Picture Blog

We didn't take as many pictures as we should have for Sis's visit. But just her being here during a very tough week was a blessing. So, here are some pics of her and the kids:
Sis with C. and J. getting ready to leave.












C. relaxing




C. being silly









C. and Aunt S.














J. giving a kiss.




J. sticking her tongue out.

Music, AKA: What started as a Short Comment Grew into Its Own Entry

I've never been a fan of instrumental music. I think I have had two CDs I liked that were purely instrumental- Handel's Water Suites and Jiang Xiao Qing's Breathing Spaces Don't ask me why those two. Which reminds me, I need a new copy of the Water Suites as someone borrowed my CDs and never gave them back. Anyhow, today, listening to the instrumental part of a very touching song in church, I was struck by the thought that musical instruments are the wordless voices expressing what we cannot use words to say. Seems simplistic to those more in tune with music I am sure. But my bailiwick is words. When I think, I think in words (I have talked to people who think in 'concepts' or 'images'). Even my mental images are accompanied by a running commentary. Words swirl around me like the air I breath in and out, so just realizing that they don't always have a place, that things can be beautiful without words was an interesting insight.

It made me think about how yesterday P. asked me why women tend to put such meaning to songs. Well, he did once too, I could tell you the love songs he used to croon to me and whisper in my ear. Even now, he says we will reclaim "Save the Best for Last" our song that has been ignored for so long. But other than that, he wondered, why are songs so important when a woman refers to them about feelings? Well, to me the obvious answers was they are poems set to music. But in my mind while the poems had the meaning, the music didn't. Now I know, the music is what we feel but cannot put to words. It has it's place, enriching the experience and perception and adding those subtle nuances of feeling, of your body moving to the call that words can't always do. It's almost like music is a translator of feelings for the body to react and words translate feelings for the mind.

I'm not saying that I'm going to suddenly appreciate all the music I wrote off in the past because it was weak without words. But I think I will be open to a new appreciation when I hear instrumental music that was never there for me before. Feelings written in a different language. I can get that. I can feel that.

Non-Ironic Snow

Today was pretty much a good day. As we prepared to go to church, the kids and I were thrilled to see big fluffy flakes of snow falling. We went to church, it's always good to connect with the community. C. and J. love their Sunday school classes, so I get to sit and enjoy the sermon with no worries about fussing kids. Second hour was canceled just in case the snow got too bad. I was disappointed at first but then thought I needed to look at the silver lining. I had enjoyed these past weeks of getting to know the small group of parents that were thoughtful, outgoing and friendly. But I also remembered we had things we had planned to try to fit into the day and with the time free, it was all the better to do our errands leisurely.

So, after church we went to the book store to pick up a book I had special ordered for P's birthday (I hope he likes it). We relaxed with hot drinks and cookies then the kids explored the kid section. C. picked out a Magic School Bus book about penguins and J. found a book with her current obsession, Finding Nemo. We left the bookstore and went to get C's hair cut (short, he said, like Daddy!). J. had a real problem seeing C. get his hair cut, she cried even as he smiled and laughed. She morosely picked up his shorn hair and showed it to others.

Then we went home and I shoveled the driveway and sidewalk while the kids played. I figured the snow was still falling, but I wasn't going to be caught with inches of ice and snow like last time. Think ahead I tell you! I am rewarded by looking out the window and seeing clear driveway and walkways for us. While I was tossing snow to the side, I thought about how I love to take care of my family and how, if it was just me things like this wouldn't matter, it was their safety that mattered. And, unlike last time, I had peace with every toss of the shovel. Last time, hacking through the ice, I just kept thinking of someone who is trying to hurt my family. This time, I knew that isn't possible. That person has no power, and even if that wasn't true, Mama Bears don't back down.

Right now, I am watching the kids get in the last of their play before bedtime (oh, we are cutting it close). C. flashes his winning grin and J. mimics everything he does. Yes, we have power. The power of joy, love, peace, faith. We've been missing the ingredients we needed, but it's all coming back to us. As C. wrote on my church schedule: God is good. We love Him, He loves us.

So I finish the day, relaxed (thanks Sis- for the meals you left, it meant I didn't have a meal to worry about today). The house is cleaned, we've implemented a new system and C. is really stepping up a bit while Daddy is gone. I made it through a very rough week of emotions and just got stronger instead of weaker (again, thanks Sis- it was nothing less than divine timing for you to be there right when I needed you most!) I think back to the sight of everything around me blanketed in snow and for the first time this season there doesn't seem to be anything ironic or bittersweet about it. It is what it is, a beautiful creation that has to be looked at the right way to appreciate. If you look at the roads, all you'll think about is the obstacles. If you look at everything else, you'll see things like fun, joy, peace, quietness, reflection...even ugly covered by beautiful in some instances. I like having my non-ironic snow back.

Dedicated to 'my girls'

Time for an easy blog. I just wanted to let the friends that have been beside me through my ups and downs, crying, laughter and excuses- I appreciate it. I heard this song today and cried, thinking of ya'll. You might want to check out the YouTube link quick, as they are cleaning out the copyrighted stuff ;)


Destiny's Child - Girl Lyrics

[Verse 1 Beyonce]

Take A Minute Girl Come Sit Down

And Tell Us What's Been Happening

In Your Face I Can See The Pain

Don't You Try To Convince Us That You're Happy (Yeah)

We've Seen This All Before

But He's Taking Advantage Of Your Passion

Because We've Come Too Far

For You To Feel Alone

You Don't Let Him Walk Over Your Heart

I'm Telling You



[Chorus]

Girl, I Can Tell You've Been Crying

And You Needing Somebody To Talk To

Girl, I Can Tell He's Been Lying

And Pretending That He's Faithful And He Loves You

Girl, You Don't Have To Be Hiding

Don't You Be Ashamed To Say He Hurt You

I'm Your Girl, You're My Girl, We're Your Girls

Don't You To Know That We Love You?



[Verse 2 Kelly]

See What You All Don't Know About Him

Is I Can't Let Him Go Because He Needs Me

It Ain't Really Him It's Stress From His Job

And I Ain't Making It Easy

I Know You See Him Bugging On Me Sometimes

But I Know Deep Inside He Don't Mean It

It Gets Hard Sometimes

But I Need My Man

I Don't Think Ya'll Understand

I'm Telling You



[Chorus x2]



[Bridge Michelle]

Girl, Take A Good Look At Yourself

He Got You Going Through Hell

We Ain't Never Seen You Down Like This

What You Mean You Don't Need Us To Help?

We Known Each Other Too Well



[Chorus]



[Beyonce:]

Girl I've been knowin' you since you were ten,

you cannot hide from your friends



[Chorus]

sleepless night

my sis is here visiting. my kids are sound asleep. and i can only think of the one person that is not here in our home.

It's so hard to have him gone when we're trying to work out our problems, but the things he's said in the past few days I cling to.

That I am his future.
There will be no sliding downhill as we climb to a happier marriage.
I'm his best friend.
There's a lighthouse we need to go towards and he'll be there with me as we go there.
That though we've been neglectful in each other we can find peace in each other.


Such hope for our marriage, our family. When I want to let go, I can't because he is there encouraging me that we will make it through together. It's like the distance has brought us closer together.

I'd write another love letter to the husband who is holding on through problems, but I don't want to annoy anyone too soon after the last one ;)

I am Woman, Hear me Roar!

So, in follow up to my post about trying to shovel the driveway, you can see what I accomplished today:


Yes, all but the last four feet, I cleared! I poured hot water onto the pavement, it turned the bottom of the ice into slush and I was able to get the spade under and break it off into chunks.

While I did this, two guys were working on the driveway two houses down. I did what they did, only smarter and alone. I feel a real sense of accomplishment. Like I can take care of myself and plow through obstacles when I need to.

Of course, the self confidence flew out the door when, almost finished, I went to go inside for more hot water only to find my 2yo had locked me out of the house! She laughed at me as I alternatively pleaded, threatened and briber her to turn the little button for mommy. J. truly is a mischievous pixie. I finally slid my way to the back door, as our entire yard is an ice skating rink, and talked her into opening the sliding glass door. The only problem is the door is one of those that needs steps and doesn't have them, so it has a protective rail instead. I had to kick up my boots and climb in like a very cold and irritated burglar.

But over all, feeling good. The house isn't looking like I hoped it would considering my sister is coming (I pick her up from the airport at midnight!) But I still feel good and am looking forward to a week of not being lonely and maybe a bit of a break from this I am the only grownup with two kids 24/7.

I can accomplish anything I set my determination to, it feels good even if my hands, shoulders and back all feel sore.

A Day of Hearts and Flowers?

No, of course not, well, not exactly. My day consisted of the highs and lows of someone struggling to deal with marital problems while her partner is overseas, depression rearing- or trying to rear it's ugly head and a pile of icy snow.

The morning started out with a foreboding feeling that none of my usual coping techniques helped. I wrote my fears and frustrations out, I tried to imagine them away, thinking, "These are just thoughts and feelings, not reality. They will pass and I will see reality for what it is." Nothing happened until, at 4am, I got back into bed and prayed, "Take this from me. Help me let it go." Only then could I sleep.

Our steps were covered to the door with snow and ice in the morning, a snow day for C. loomed and a day I have never liked- Valentine's Day was the order of the day. We had breakfast, went outside and tried to shovel the walk and driveway. The snow didn't even give under my weight. After almost an hour of shifting snow from one area to another, I looked with envy at my neighbors down the road, four people shoveling the driveway. I looked at my kids playing happily and kept going, wanting to make a safe pathway for them. I just wanted to give up but knew I couldn't. This is what being a single mother feels like, expect there is no time that it ends.

We had lunch, I went for a nap with J. and when we got up, I gave the kids the V-day presents Grandma sent them earlier in the week and the small heart filled with candy from me. Late afternoon, P. IMed me through Gmail and we chatted. Poor guy has been working so many days in a row that he has them confused. We settled a few issues and were able to close feeling closer again. I truly believe we are growing as a couple.

With the day looking up, we went outside for one more try and shoveling that driveway. An hour later (two hours total) and this is all I had (to the right, you can see a tiny bit of the sunset):


At least the sidewalk and steps are safe for the kids. I think I'll get smart and work on it tomorrow when the sun is at its zenith.

Speaking of the sun, I took a break midway through to admire the sunset. The colors were pink and blue with billowy white clouds. In the foreground were beautiful trees, the vibrant color that evergreens excel in showing the world. Small clusters of snow were swirling around, in a winter sunset dance. Soon after, I abandoned the snow shovel and watched the kids play. The snow was covered with such a thick layer of ice that they didn't need sleds to go down the embankment. The video is from earlier in the day, I have another of the evening play session.


We went inside, I prepared dinner and they watched Finding Nemo while I caught up on my reading. At the end, during the credits song, "Somewhere Beyond the Sea" J. came up to me, demanding, "Dan! Dan!" So we danced, twirling and jumping. I held her and spun around as she laughed and I totally felt the hearts and flowers of Valentine's Day.

Then we ate dinner- salmon with green beans. The irony was not lost on C. who exclaimed, "We're eating fish!"

More than anything, this day taught me that hearts and flowers are where you choose to see them.

Unwritten

Today, after I dropped C. off at school, I was walking home, listening to my iPod. Unwritten was the song and suddenly I thought, today is unwritten. I have things I need to do, but not every moment is written. I took a detour and walked the long way home. It occurred to me that one different turn and J. and I would be at the local tot lot. So one more detour later and J. and I were playing at the tot lot, her joy at this unexpected departure of routine glowed in her face.


Yes it was cold, yes I missed having an adult to talk to while our kids played together. But we had fun, she brought me into her play and showed joy and pride in her accomplishment of climbing the rock wall over and over again to get to the slide. Dear J. is like me. She could take the easy way up, but instead chose the challenge so she could stand at the top and applaud herself.

I want to remember more that my days are still unwritten, through the blank moments, I can explore and find new joy. Maybe find myself a bit more too.

The First Healingway

Just a quick note to commemorate the first Healingway. My dear friend M. has the strength to ask to be uplifted, and she did so by inviting a group of special friends together to celebrate her birthday...and her.

A total of seven women gathered at her home and filled her heart with stories of how special she has been to them. As facilitator of that part of the party, I had felt I kept it too simple compared to the previous Blessingways I have been a part of. But it was wonderful, allowing for more time and love to be poured over M.

Just looking at the friends surrounding her, the wonderful, open, vivacious, caring women that were drawn to her, anyone could tell what a special person M. is.

If she blogs about it, I'll link with her permission. I just wanted to share the experience. I really hope it accomplished its intended purpose, uplifting her to carry her through times of weakness and sadness.

We love you M!

May I take a Moment and Celebrate?

Ok, seriously I have been too distracted lately being (temporary?) 'single mom' and all the other stuff going on in my life and marriage. Sometimes I feel like I barely have the energy to hold my head up, let alone doggy paddle to the shore.

But, bright spot in recent events...the announcement of the release date for Harry Potter, book 7. I started reading these when I was pregnant with C. in 2000. They reminded me of my favorite fantasy books when I was a kid. Of course, after the first couple you see how well crafted they are and how JK has planned the whole story out so you go back and read again...wait! So THAT's why she added so-and-so in a quick mention in an earlier book...that character comes back with a bigger role!

Honestly, I think this is how come shows like Lost and Heroes have come about. I think the producers wanted that "pre-planned intricate plot" that JK has worked wonders with, they figure it's golden. And it is. As wonderful as organically grown plots are, there's something to be said when you can go to the past and look for clues to the future. When things are so intertwined you think, "Aha!"

Heck, I feel like that in real life sometimes. Like the path I walk has clues to the future that I only notice when I look back. So much of life is connected in that way...I have cheesy poems dating back to 5th grade pondering the way life is woven together.

So it's no wonder that I love the fantasy world of Harry Potter. It's well written, reminds me of my childhood escapes into books, good conquers evil (we hope it continues to) and anyone can be a hero. Not to mention, reading JK's site, I've really come to admire her as a person. She stood strong and left a bad marriage, struggling through being a single mom. She's concerned about how we teach girls to think of themselves...she's got an honest heart and reaches out to help where she can.

I need to re-read the books...then re-read the British versions! Oh, I need to pre-order a British version!

This will be 'the end of an era' and I can't figure out if I want to read it quickly or not read it at all. I'm excited for JK's accomplishments and I do want to know how the story ends...I think.

Love Letter to my Husband

This time of year is always poignant. We have the anniversary of our first date, follwed very shortly by our wedding anniversary. Then Valentine's Day and the next month, P's birthday.

With so much going on in our lives, it's easy to focus on the negative. And I have more than I like to admit. I've been walking a tightrope of forcing myself to look at harsh reality and trying my best to live in a dream world.

So here I am, ready to look at both. We 'argued' from the very beginning almost. They were debates on homosexuals in the military, whether people should get married just because of a pregnancy and anything else we could come up with. As we've grown apart, I've missed those debates. Instead, our arguments are more real than theories.

But there was also an instant attraction. As 18 year-olds, we played at that game of drawing nearer and pulling away. But finally deciding on each other was a sweet moment. Being taught how to kiss...that's a memory I will have forever.

The times spent with our friends at the beach. Stealing kisses between classes. Cuddled up in a twin-sized dorm bed, whispering dreams and wishes to each other. Finally being able to wake up next to each other everyday, looking into your eyes and saying, "Good morning, I love you." I never thought that would end.

Somehow, we got off track. The stress of living on our own got between us. Our own past and upbringing caused the debates to turn into fights. And soon there was the separation. A mistake that was the catalyst for the next ten years of pain, misunderstanding and sorrow. If only we had talked through everything back then and tried to understand each other.

But now, we are older and wiser. Maybe old enough and wise enough to get past that old pain...and the new ones.

Because I do believe that if we honestly communicate this time, and learn the tools we were never taught growing up, that we can have that happy marriage we had in the beginning. I know it will be a lot of work. I am willing to do it though, because there is so much past there, so much love, that I think we succeed.

I want to continue looking at the stars with you. Go camping, hiking and maybe play tennis again. Going out on dates and exploring new restaurants. Whispering to you each morning as I look into your beautiful, dark eyes, "Good Morning, I love you."