I am Woman, Hear me Roar!

So, in follow up to my post about trying to shovel the driveway, you can see what I accomplished today:


Yes, all but the last four feet, I cleared! I poured hot water onto the pavement, it turned the bottom of the ice into slush and I was able to get the spade under and break it off into chunks.

While I did this, two guys were working on the driveway two houses down. I did what they did, only smarter and alone. I feel a real sense of accomplishment. Like I can take care of myself and plow through obstacles when I need to.

Of course, the self confidence flew out the door when, almost finished, I went to go inside for more hot water only to find my 2yo had locked me out of the house! She laughed at me as I alternatively pleaded, threatened and briber her to turn the little button for mommy. J. truly is a mischievous pixie. I finally slid my way to the back door, as our entire yard is an ice skating rink, and talked her into opening the sliding glass door. The only problem is the door is one of those that needs steps and doesn't have them, so it has a protective rail instead. I had to kick up my boots and climb in like a very cold and irritated burglar.

But over all, feeling good. The house isn't looking like I hoped it would considering my sister is coming (I pick her up from the airport at midnight!) But I still feel good and am looking forward to a week of not being lonely and maybe a bit of a break from this I am the only grownup with two kids 24/7.

I can accomplish anything I set my determination to, it feels good even if my hands, shoulders and back all feel sore.

Dear Mrs. Williams,

I've been meaning to write this letter for awhile now. You made my first year teaching high school harder than it needed to be. Instead of a mentor you were a tormentor.

I don't need to recount all the wrongs. They don't matter. What matters is the realization of your motivation behind them. Many mentors would say they needed to be tough to make sure a rookie teacher has a solid start. You took it to a whole new level. There were rumors of teachers before me falling apart and the teacher after me being on the verge of quitting. The faculty knew what you were, yet were powerless to stop a tenured teacher. Maybe you had terrorized them in the past, because surely co-workers that had known you for years would have spoken up as friends to point out your folly. Maybe there was fear there too. I have no idea what was happening in the county offices. They said they had many complaints about you, yet their hands were tied until a more egregious offense.

My theory about you is that you are a small person in search of power. That's why you enjoyed the horse races so much. Imagine those tiny jockeys just controlling those massive animals. You were short, you were a woman and you were black. I can only imagine what growing up in the decades before mine were like. They left you with a taste of resentment that you had to pour out on those you had power over. There was a limit to what you could do to the students, because the parents in that county had all the say. So you brandished your power over the fledgling teachers.

What did you accomplish? Did you weed those that aren't meant for teaching from the herd? Or did you do the scholastic community a disservice by leaving us with a bad taste in our mouths for teaching?

I loved teaching, and I loved the students. What turned everything sour was my experience with you and the resulting realizations about the power of the faculty. If you don't have their support, a hard job becomes a burden instead of a challenge. Teaching is indeed a career where dinosaurs rule. If you happen upon an 'old skool' school, the tenured have the power and refuse to see any new ideas as good.

Even now though, years later, I smile at the memory of what my students accomplished. I feel that it reflects on me as a teacher. And nothing pleases me more about my relationship with you than to know that the students I taught, many of them your former students, passed the Standards of Learning under my care after they had failed through you. Somewhere, I managed to give them a spark of learning you couldn't impart. Napoleon has her Waterloo, she just doesn't know it yet.

what i am doing right

With all my negativity lately, I thought maybe I should think about the good things.

I have been allowing myself more creative outlets. Writing more, even if most of it is for this blog.

I have been keeping the house orderly, although every surface could use a good wipedown.

I'm accomplishing more and making less excuses for what I don't do. I allow myself lazy time without guilt.

I am recognizing in my head (if not my heart) that I deserve to be loved. That I deserve time to myself. That I deserve to be an individual.

I am letting go of some resentments, some slower than others, but still, it's an accomplishment.

I am going out and doing things of my own accord; over the years, moreso in the past two, I have made myself a shut-in off and on. Doing things that don't have to be done is a big step.

I suppose, what is most hard to hold onto, is looking forward to a better future than my past (I have always lived under the assumption that things would get worse- woah- I'm a pessimist- who knew!) Even though the past is hard, there is the chance of a brighter future as long as I don't let anyone, especially myself, stand in the way.

Here we go again...

I decided on a simpler Fyrebranded Kozy this time. It's a panel, the hardest part was getting the dye right. Why so simple? Because I have a harder one set out, waiting for the onerous job of stitching every line ;)

The colors are very much richer IRL:

Another Fyrebranded Kozy Preview

This is my stained glass Kozy, appliqued silk on a black Kozy body. I got the inspiration from a Georgia O'Keefe painting. I can't find the exact one, but it started out kind of like the one to the left.

My skills being limited, and my medium being a bit less blendy (is that a word?) I just used the idea instead of the wonderful pastels. The brown frame is actually more goldish and the blue is a peacock blue. I'm rather prouder of how this turned out and I know I should charge more for the amount of work I had to put into it (I've been doing bits off and on since the butterfly garden Kozy), but I don't want people to think I am ripping them off.

Escapism through creating

I've noticed that when the kids are stressing me out, I've been retreating to my craft room to create things. Mostly it's been sewing, but I have other crafts in mind too. Pete was gone for a week and in that time I:
hemmed the curtains (Ikea curtains come long and need to be cut/hemmed)
made myself a skirt
made Chase a pair of Incredibles PJ pants
made a skirt for Jilly
made a sling
decorated a Kozy

I'll try and post pictures of my creations, but right now all I have is the Kozy. Purchased plain from www.kozycarrier.com and decorated by me, this is for the babywearers that like to have a unique carrier to hold their little ones. It'll be for sale at my Etsy shop when I finish the other Kozy project I have in the works.

This one is called "Butterfly Garden" and the pocket is supposed to be the flower pot. It's more even IRL than it looks in the pictures.