Somewhere out there

Today is the 14th Anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. That means it's my friend Barbie's 30th birthday.

I remember in high school, she wrote an essay about it and how it came down on her 16th birthday. It meant so much to her, living in Germany and seeing the wall just a few years before.

Barbie had a spirit. She still had it the last time I saw her about 5 years ago. Just changed some. But for some reason she let the contact drop shortly after that and I haven't been able to find her again.

Thinking of her reminds me of my other friends in HS. Tammy, Barbie got really close to her. She was a sweet girl- I envied her dark curly hair. I heard she died years ago from the heart problems that had always been with her. Tammy I never said it, but you were a friend and you ARE missed by more than you would have known.

Eileen- so imaginative and so downtrodden by her father. Stephen, what a goofy guy.

Further back. Susan, my lost friend, one of the trio. Such artistic talent! Last I heard from her she was living hours away from my home in NC (ok, quite a few hours as her dad was stationed in Andrews). But of all the places we could have been sent after the Philippines, that was pretty close. The other third of the trio- Calonte. We kept in touch even in college and somehow with her moves and my moves we lost touch. I emailed her dad and never got a reply. Searching for one of them later, I found out why no reply- he had died. The obituary was like a slap in the face, I can only imagine how Calonte felt.

There are so many. When you're a military brat friends are like flowers floating in a reflecting pool. Some drift away, some you can almost touch, but they always stay in your heart.

Newness

Growing up, I liked the moving about. I liked seeing new places and meeting new people. Even as shy as I was, I always made a few good friends. But now, moves are harder for me. It takes longer to find where I fit, and when I do and then move, it's that much harder to let go and start over. But my problem is, I have found that it's SO true. You can't go home again.

The contradictions of parenting

So many parents are stuck on the idea that they have to make their children independent. An entire industry has sprung up from the desire. Cribs, swings, bouncy seats...I could go on and on. All of these designed to seperate a child from its parent.

Books are written about how to get your child to be independent. So many parents let their tiny infants cry themselves to sleep because they "have to learn to do it sometime." I suppose that means that sooner is better than later.

Toddlers are told to be big boys and girls, pressured to use the potty before they might be ready. Faced with the disappointment of those they love, they struggle not to have an accident and are faced with the failure of their body, not their heart, when their immature bowels take over.

The first day of school, they are told to go- you can leave. Go into that room full of people you don't know in that huge building you've never been in. You can do it- no, you have to do it. There is no room for fear, only room to disappoint.

In middle school- you gotta do it on your own. Deal with that bully on your own. There will be bullies to deal with the rest of your life. Rely on your own strength- I can't give you mine.

So when a child gets to the high school age and is living what s/he has been taught, why do parents get thrown for a loop. I see teenagers fighting for independence, the same that their parents have been trying to instill in them from day one. Isn't this what a parent has dreamed of since they hardened their heart to the little soft baby crying forlornly for them in its crib?

Maybe what we're looking for in the end isn't independence, but interdependence. We want our children to want to be with us. But we're told by society that it's not to the good of the child. If all of this is good, then why are there so many teen problems?

Maybe we need to think harder about the results we want before we take that first step and let our little bundles of joy cry for us.

independence

This is a work in progress. It's something I've been thinking about, feeling all alone on an island full of people.

darn this thing won't copy/paste. I guess you will have to wait for my pearls of wisdom until I have the time to re-type the whole blessed thing!

outside my window

I've been to the ocean before. Played in the waves as a child; fought them as an adolescent. I've contemplated them as an adult. Even when I'm not there, in times of stress I can bring myself back to a place that never ends but always changes.

But perhaps I was always so focused on the waves that I never noticed her moods. Now from my window I can watch the daily- sometimes hourly chages of the sea. Many days she's a brilliant blue. A worthy jewel for any necklace. But there are times when she withdraws into herself, bringing out the grays. Perhaps my absolute favorite time is when she blends with the sky. I can't tell where one ends and the other begins. It creates in me such an odd sense of wonder. And the realization that there are just some things in life that cannot be answered.

I cry.

I cry for those who have lost their lives.

I cry for those whose lives have changed.

I cry.

My new favorite Website

Ok, in my never-ending quest for more knowledge I have found my new favorite website. Unlike many websites I've been perusing lately, this is not only parenting. It has a plethora of information and resources on all topics.

But most thrillingly (is that a word?) to me is that they have 126 pages of info on breastfeeding and only nine on bottlefeeding. I assure you, a rarity in a society that is innudated with bottles!

StargazerNET

site now seems to be defunct :(

muhahaa! I seem to have found the new link. Thank TPTB for Google.

http://workplace.stargazer.org/lwp/workplace/start

Why a blog?

Who am I to think that my thoughts are worthy to be published on the web? As though I have anything important to say. I don't know. Maybe I just need an outlet for all of my thoughts. As someone who doesn't get to personal, who has a hard time sharing her inner thoughts with other people, this is a great, semi-anonymous way of getting things out.

No apologies here. No weighing the reactions of others first. Because initially (at least until this journal pops up in some search...) this is just between me and the screen. I can delete it all by clicking a button, hide, edit, do whatever. But until then, it's just my personal thoughts. An outlet for someone who doesn't get many chances to just vent or muse without worrying how someone will react.

THAT Family

You know, the one you marry into. How many mother-in-law jokes there? There must be a reason for all that. After almost ten years of marriage and moving thousands of miles away mainly to get away from the in-laws, I still don't know what the answers are.

Is it just because you're used to your family's way of doing things? Is it because they're used to theirs? I don't know, but it can sure make for some tense situations. And even more so if either family is even slightly disfunctional.

My father-in-law drinks. He called one night shortly after we were married, drunk as all get out and proceeds to tell my husband what a lousy son he is. He's so loud I can hear him and I'm just sitting next to my husband in bed. Horrified, I say "Well, you should tell him that's he hasn't been much of a father either." FIL hears that and starts in on hubby "Slap your bitch and tell her to shut up." Of course hubby refuses to follow FIL's advice and hangs up. FIL calls back, I answer, refuse to put hubby on the phone and hang up. FIL calls back and tells me I do not hang up on him (what- who was paying the bills at that time? ME) CLICK. what followed was some serious ranting into our answering machine and a few garden variety threats thrown in.

Now. What in this man's life made him think he could verbally abuse ANYONE, much less his only child? My father drank too. Even at his worst he would never talk to any of us kids the way FIL talked to hubby that night.

So, is it just a difference of upbringing, or does marrying into a family really create these problems? I contemplate this on an island thousands of miles away from my in-laws. I chose to move here mostly to get away from them. And as homesick and as lonely as I am, the mere thought of being near them again holds me from moving back. I'm in no rush to go through the stress they put me through.

Once you become a parent, it seems like everyone wants to give you a performance report. Puts baby in socks and hat: A. Gets rid of all pets that might suck the breath out of baby: F. Trains baby to sleep through the night: C. I was ready for all that, you get your first taste of it as a pregnant mother when you first begin to show. Suddenly everyone is a nutrition and exercise expert. What I wasn’t ready for was how some people feel it is all right to tell you how you are as a wife and mother based on an outdated TV show. There’s the ever popular comment, “Well, aren’t you lucky to be able to stay at home. I sure wish I could.” As if we didn’t make choices and sacrifices so that one of us could stay home. But occasionally you will hear a comment like one I came across recently. The person was asking how come modern stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) were so lazy. Why couldn’t they be more like June Cleaver? When given the luxury of staying home while our husbands did the real work of putting food on the table and a roof over our heads, how come we couldn't keep a sparkling clean house while looking beautiful and serving the man of the house a martini while putting his slippers on? Why do we whine about the fact that he doesn't pick up his own socks or spend time with his kids? Why can't we be perfect housewives? After all, June Cleaver did it with style and a smile.

I was not raised to be June Cleaver. My parents made a conscious effort to raise me to be a self-sufficient woman. No matter what happened, I was not supposed to rely on a man. My husband knew that before he married me (he also knew I wasn't much of a housekeeper, but I digress.) In June Cleaver’s world, most women joined the workforce only as long as it took to find a husband to take care of them. They were raised knowing that to be a "wife" meant being a "housewife." My husband and I planned things differently. I had always expected to go back to work after having children. But that changed when we became parents. Everything changed- our whole paradigm shifted. We realized that nobody could give our son the love and attention that his own mother could. It has been a hard adjustment for me, one that June Cleaver didn't have to make.

I knew what it meant to be a parent- then I became one. Suddenly I found myself following my instincts instead of my cherished lists of "supposed to's." I held my child- often, we discovered the family bed, replaced strict discipline with gentle guidance and even nursed past the first year. I don't wear lovely housedresses or style my hair with hot-rollers on a daily basis. For now my idea of great art is anything I don’t have to wash off the walls and floor. I have a hard time creating "Good Housekeeping" meals because my toddler seems to always have a meltdown just as it's time to cook dinner. So we have a lot of one-dish meals because I feel that how my son turns out is more important than how dinner turns out.

That brings me to another point. I want my son to grow up ready to be a good husband and father. As we all know, children do as we do, not as we say. So I ask my husband to pick his socks up off of the living room floor (again!) and to spend his after work time winding down with his son instead of the evening newspaper (or in today's world- television.) I don't feel too guilty for making these requests. After all, it's OUR son who needs an involved father. It's also our home and it doesn't matter who pays for it, we all live in it and should all have a hand in keeping it clean.

Yes, my husband works hard; he also knows he's appreciated by us and his employer. Ask almost any SAHM if most people she "works for" appreciate the sacrifices they make. At least my husband gets something tangible- a paycheck- to show that he's "really working." I have to open my eyes to the intangible. He also gets to leave the house and get adult interaction on a regular basis. He gets weekends off, sometimes even Fridays. I'm on duty every minute of every hour of every day. If I slack off on the weekend, I have to do catch-up and work four times as hard on Monday. A few weeks ago I was sick for the first time in years. We're talking fever, sore throat, fatigue...to top it off, my son was throwing up from a stomach virus he caught at playgroup. Did I get a day off? Nope. I had to take care of my sick self and a queasy toddler (toddlers don't like throwing up IN anything in case you didn't know...they turn their heads to throw up ON things- at least mine does.) When my husband came down with what I had later that week, not only did he get a day off, he got two- and with no sick toddler to watch out for! And just in case you're wondering…June Cleaver never got sick.

Ah, and that brings me to my final point.

June Clever was a product of someone's imagination (probably a man!) I'm a REAL woman. My house gets a little messy and so do I. My child did not appear to me half grown with freckles and a cute little cowlick (ok, he has the cowlick.) I have given more of my true self to my family than I ever dreamed I would. Sometimes you can feel the stubble on my legs because my shower got interrupted by a little child who decided that NOW is the time to dial Australia. My husband and I don't have our own little matching twin beds- our whole family sleeps together in one glorious king-sized bed.

I learn as much as I can about the world that my son is growing up in instead of creating my own in the form of a sterile house and a superficial family. It’s creating an environment where my child can feel at home and he can learn through exploration. It’s about believing that it’s more important for my husband to come home to a happy family than to a pristine house. Staying at home for modern women means making choices about what you want for your family. Usually that doesn’t include a home like June Cleaver’s. You could hire someone to clean your house. The job that you do when you stay home can’t be done by anyone else.

I'm not June Cleaver. After all, who would want to be. Where's the spontaneity, the passion- the fun? Not in June Cleaver's house (although I'm sure there are some fresh, baked from scratch cookies there.) But that's all right, because in my house we have these in abundance...even a cookie or two!

Letter to a friend who asked for parenting advice

I'm going to go ahead an be honest. I truly believe in attachment parenting. It goes along with everything I learned in school and everything I felt was right once I became a parent. Basically it's meet your child's needs. They can't be spoiled in the first year really. They cry because they need something...even if it's just to be held (don't we all need that at sometime?) I started out breastfeeding because 1) it was cheaper and 2) My husband insisted because he read it made for smarter babies. Once Deedlebug was born, for some reason I *needed* to be able to nurse him (maybe it goes back to not bonding w/ my mom...who knows.) We had some problems (it doesn't come naturally believe it or not) It's been wonderful...all the fears I had of being like my mother and not bonding have gone away.

Since Deedlebug was born I've done A LOT of research...I know...I should have done it BEFORE. But I thought with my schooling (I was a child development/family relations minor) and experience (all those years in day care) I knew everything. Then he proceeded to let me know I didn't ;) He refused to sleep in the bassinet after his first night feeding, finally DH said "Just let him sleep with us!" I was worried and started researching online. I found that the same sense that keeps you from rolling off the bed will keep you from rolling on your baby. True...not only that but at first you keep waking up because your subconscious KNOWS he's there. You take the same precautions you would with a crib...keep baby away from big fluffy pillows and watch the covers. We have our convertable crib w/ the side taken off attached to our bed. It helps parents get more sleep and helps w/ the nursing relationship.

If I had it to do all over again, I would just buy a bigger bed (we eventually went to a king-sized bed), the carseat, diapers (heck, we've switched to cloth now...), a sling and clothes. So much cheaper than everything else, and you can wait till after baby is born to see what you really need. Swing, bouncy seat, high chair...all of that barely used.

I'm telling you all this flat out because I know you're an intelligent girl who will make her own decisions and won't feel pressured by what I feel is right. You make your own decisions based on what works for you and your new family :) I've spent months trying to be careful with my old friend b/c she has someone in her family she looks up to who is a pediatrician. The doc was going to give her all the free formula she needed...no talk about breast vs. bottle. Now that her child is born, she's understanding some of what I said. And they see Deedlebug and realize that he's turning out ok...I'm not some crazy, crunchy granola hippie :)

I'll send you links about all this stuff, if you're bored you can read up ;) I think breastfeeding is important because human milk is for human babies. There’s protein in human milk that makes a baby’s brain grow faster…because that’s what human babies need. There’s a protein in cow’s milk that makes a baby cow grow faster…because that’s what he needs. Almost all formula is made from the leftover stuff after processing dairy. There have been formula recalls. Breastfeeding exercises proper facial and jaw development. It adapts to the needs of an infant (if the baby is premature, it adapts to that…if it is summer, it is more watery.) Breastfeeding reduces the chances of breast and ovarian cancer in the mother. It’s a natural child spacer. And I truly believe that’s how God intended we care for our infants. There are SO many things that breastfeeding provides that formula doesn’t provide (even the “best” formula) and it’s free. Don’t worry about dad, he can and will bond with the baby in other ways…besides, at first he should be taking care of Mommy J
You can attend La Leche League meetings…even before you have the baby. It will help you prepare and answer any questions. Plus most groups have a good library on parenting. Free to members, if you’re not a member, they ask you to write a check for the value of the book…it will be returned when the book is returned. Also, even if you don’t go or aren’t a member, feel free to call your local LLL leader with questions or concerns.

I mentioned a sling would be something I would buy. If you haven’t seen one, it’s basically a strip of fabric you can use to carry your baby. The one I recommend is the Maya Wrap. It’s not “padded” but you can spread it out. I still use it with Deedlebug…it’s good for up to 35 or 40 lbs. You can cradle carry with a newborn, kangaroo carry with a baby w/ good head control, hip carry w/ a baby with good head control and back carry with a toddler. What other carrier can do that and fold to fit in your diaper bag? J I’ll send some links so you can check it out for yourself (if you want, I’ll try to make one and send it…I’m having a hard time finding rings though.) Most pack carriers aren’t good for babies before they can hold their heads up. Also, some researchers have suggested that it’s not good to have them sitting up w/ legs spread at spine compressed at an early age. Slings are also GREAT for discreet nursing…the tail of the Maya Wrap can be used like a blanket to cover baby.

With Deedlebug we have also decided not to spank. Both of us were abused as children and we don’t want to risk “losing it.” There are so many other forms of discipline, and if you know where your child is developmentally, you can work with them where they are at. One author made a good point when she said: Imagine that the person who you love with all your heart and who normally treats you in a loving manner suddenly hurts you. (I didn’t put it in quotes b/c I know I don’t have exactly) That’s how a young child sees it. I try not to yell even, because I see him start to act the same way. No matter what people say, I do think it teaches the lesson that it’s ok to hit…someone who is littler.

Ok, now that you know more than you wanted to know…

I just want to say I am SO happy for you. You guys will be WONDERFUL parents.…what a lucky baby. I’m in love with your little one already.

I have decided that it's time to stop apologizing for my beliefs. I do know that there are gentle ways to get people to understand what you're getting at. But I'll be damnd if I let someone guilt me into saying "What you do with your kid is ok."

We all agree ok is NOT ok. If it was, then how come we have the problems we do in our country? How come we have school shootings, people leaving their kids home alone so they can watch a movie, children taken to daycare even when they're sick? Our priorities are messed up. I notice it in conversations I have with other moms. I saw it when I worked daycare, I just never knew what could fix it- but I did know your kids want you more than they want *things.

My son may never grow up and say "Thanks for breastfeeding me mom." But I'm sure he will never be paying a shrink big bucks to talk about how his mother never had time for him. I started by breastfeeding, and after giving that I just knew I could give more...and he needed more.

I want to respect my child as a person NOW, because I don't want to be apologizing to him when he grows up. My father still apologizes for spanking us, not spending enough time with us and for not being our ADVOCATE while we were growing up. I will raise my child in such a way that I know I did everything possible to respect and support his humanity from day one.

Why should other people have the right to tell me how to raise my child, but I am not allowed to comment on their child-rearing practices?

I will never stop learning and I will never stop growing. What I WILL stop is apologizing.

Why shouldn't the naysayers apologize to ME for being lazy, accidental parents? It's their kids who have an increased chance of being disgruntled and taking it out on society. It's their kids who will feel like the world owes them because their parents gave them everything but their time.

So no, I won't apologize because I have deeply held beliefs. I believe nobody can take care of a child as well as it's parents (be they biological or adopted...parents mean the people who carry a child in the HEART.) I believe that human milk is for human babies, nothing could ever be as good. I believe that we should not mutilate our children's genitals. I believe we should not hit a child just because they are smaller. We find alternatives in our interactions with other adults, why not show children the same effort and respect? I believe that if a child is lonely at night, there should always be a warm welcome in a cozy family bed. I believe that every child deserves the human closeness they desire, if they need to be held, they should be. I believe a child's cries should be responded to, their needs are no less real or important than our own. I believe that by giving these simple things to our children now, they will give back to the world in wondrous ways.