first of my 'outing myself ' w/ depression

Posted to the MDC BBS and I want to (eventually) share with my friends so they can 'get me'

I have started a post here I don't know how many times. This is the only place I can think of to find others who have not only BTDT, but are knowledgable about alternatives.

My intro. I used to post here, mainly in the HI section of finding your tribe...somehow all my posts got wiped. Sorry for how long this turned out.I've been diagnosed with ongoing clinical depression (I think that's the phrase she used). I think I might sound too factual, but this is how I have learned to deal with things.

It just feels like I've been sad my entire life. I can remember being a child and learning a/b suicide and thinking...hey, not an awful idea.The thing is, I have this pattern of self hate. I look at the problems in my life and think, "Oh, but others have it SO much worse!" When I can't handle something, I lose respect for myself.

My father admits I was the 'pariah' child of the 'original three' kids. I got spanked much more than the others. When my parents got divorced, my mom actually requested to split us kids up, and send me with Dad. That didn't happen until I requested it a couple of years later.

Of course by that time Dad had mostly straightened up. Urged by mom, he had been the disciplinarian. He also spent a lot of spare time at the AmVets bar. I have quite a few childhood memories from there.

Moving in with my Dad and stepmom was good- at first. She took to this love/hate thing wih me. Jealous at times because I loved my dad more, she'd also go out of her way to do sweet things for me like make a dress or write long notes about what a great kid I am. Punctuated by fights where she elled out how lazy (or whatever complaint- but that was the most used) I was.

I was a military brat, so while I did establish close friendships, it was hard to hold onto them.

Long story short (too late you say?) I ended up in college, working through and paying for it myself. Had an abusive relationship (hard to call it abusive since other women got really hurt compared to me, KWIM? Married at 20, lots of ups and downs there, but we just celebrated our 12th anniversary.

I have two kids, a 5.5yo DS and a 17mo DD. I really do love them so much. I stumbled onto AP because it's what felt right and researching into if it was 'ok' to co-sleep I found so much other info out there that validated m feelings. It was a blessing, because I was so scared of being like my mom, unattached (my senior year in HS she sent me a letter claiming, among other things, I rejected her because I 'chose' not to BF as an infant). BFing started that bond with my son, AP carried it on.

The more I learn about the effects of depression, the more I see the thread throughout my life. I feel like the laziness was really the futility I feel. Withdrawing into myself- my stepmom used to say you could see a wall go up over my emotions. I feel like I've been barely holding on for such a long time and now everything is slipping through my fingers.

I don't even know how long ago (7...8mos?) DH took the initiative to get me help. I was immediately put on Prozac (10mgs, going gradually up to 40mgs). It has helped, I am now only occasionally suicidal. I was totally against meds, but I needed them and my family needed me to have them. My therapist agrees I need something else, but as long as it's patching things up and DD (still nursing) isn't showing any problems, we're both leery of a switch.

I look at all the people I admire, who can somehow hold their lives together and I want to be them. I want to be the mama who has more fun with her kids. That's something I can say the meds did- I don't lose it as much. I want to be the teacher, the artist, the fun facilitator, the knowledgable guide through the path of life. I want to feed them healthy for their bodies and treat them gently and guide them wisely into their lives. But I can't even bring myself to cook dinner most days.

I have a great playgroup. They are all different levels of AP, so they get me. But I know we all have our lives and issues and I absolutely hate to infringe on anyone asking for help. I even feel guilty right now because I'm typing this long post about myself someone will be reading.

DH tries to understand, but he doesn't get why I can't just make up my mind to 'be happy'. I tell you, we are like poster children for detached and atached parenting. I was the spanked, CIO kid. He was the gently disciplined, sometimes co-sleeping kid. It's like he knows what unconditional love is and how to give it and I don't. I feel like I'm always doubting others (how could they love me- if they really knew me, they wouldn't) and of course hating myself. So I withdraw.

I could go on forever. DH says I think too much, but I am really trying to figure myself out and fix myself.

So thanks for reading this far (really and truly...it means so much to me). If you have any advice on how to pull myself together I'd be grateful. Any information about other meds that might help while still keeping DD healthy. Any alternative treatments (I'm going to try the Feingold diet for DS and myself). Just anything that will help me be a better mom, wife, friend, person...to actually like myself. I'd be forever grateful.