Changes are Coming

I've gone 'round and 'round on doing this since the changes at Blogger. I have finally decided to set this blog to private. So, if you want to continue reading it, please email me at ecu9697@gmail.com

Why this choice? I know I post many personal things here, but I actually don't mind that. I have had people contact me, thanking me for my honesty about my struggle with depression. Hoping that I am helping people is what has prevented me from making this blog private. I know that now there will be fewer people reading here, but it's something I have to do.

I had to make this choice because Blogger does not allow for blocking just one IP address. I have to block them all and allow select ones or block none. Right now, I feel censored when writing my blogs as there is someone who can't seem to let go of her connection with my family. I had hoped she would stop reading here, but I can see by my IP tracker she hasn't. Her 'interest' is stalling my healing.

In order to feel free with how I post, I have to make this blog private until such time as Blogger allows me to block one IP address or I can get my own little domain and have control over that myself.

My Wounded Child was Validated

I forgot to post about something that happened while my sister was here. Maybe I did but didn't give it its due attention. Given everything that went on at the time, I'm sure those of you in the know will understand.

My sister has been trying to find some people from her past. She found our uncle, he tends to just 'take off' and we go decades without knowing where he is. She also found a neighbor friend of ours from when we lived in Alaska. They had a long talk and this person told her she always felt badly for us. She was a teenager then and we were around 8-10 yrs old. When she found out that sis was visiting me, she told my sister (basically):

You tell Bree I remember how your mom treated her. How she took things out on Bree worse than the other kids. Just let her know that if she ever has doubts about how it felt being treated like that, that I validate her and her pain.

When me sis came downstairs to tell me this, we just hugged and cried. I am not trying to take away from the pain of my siblings, we all had a shitty mother and a dad what made many mistakes. But in the 'original three' I was often the scapegoat for mom until I moved in with dad. Even dad admitted to letting mom's venom against me affect how severely he punished me.

But even now, remembering what someone on the outside saw and felt and cared for me, I cry. It is not all in my head. It isn't here in my life just because I am screwed up intrinsically, it was brought to my life by parents who should have treasured me.

So I just wanted to share. If you're like me and you think even the emotional problems you have are your fault. That being a better kid would have meant a better life, I encourage you to seek validation from someone who knew you then. Neighbors, friends, teachers...whoever. Odds are, you will find you were just a child, trying to learn and grow. It was that adult in your life that wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough to stand up to the task at hand and be your nurturer. It's a hard truth to accept if you tend to take blame on yourself, but this helps, just one step, but it helps.

Relapse

I'm writing this because the purpose of the blog is to share the truth of struggling with depression. It's hard for me to deal with this still.

I had a relapse early in the week. I suppose there's irony there because I had just been to a therapy session and we decided that it was ok we couldn't find a two week appointment to fit into both schedules, this time a month would be fine. I could call if there was some emergency. Mr. C. told me I was dealing very well and the only unhealthy thing he saw was the usual- beating myself up over every mistake. Then towards the end of the session, P. called me.

I called him back as I was walking out, he totally floored me by being angry over something I had told him about months ago. Given our current situation, I understand, but the strength of the anger floored me. First, I felt crushed because I had talked to him about it months ago. Then I was angry, then I started to feel guilty. I must have really screwed up for this anger and yelling, right?

I was home before the situation was settled.

My initial reaction was actually the new me- calm and trying to deal with the crisis. No change. Then I got angry, again no change. Then that guilt started in and I accepted all the words he was saying about me. Here's where my relapse came in. Instead of my new attitude of dealing with pain through my 'moment by moment' attitude, through prayer and breathing, I started the old tapes again. This will always be like this, I will always be in pain. My body went into flight mode, but P. insisted I stay. I just sat on the floor and cried, ready to accept anything he said. Around this time he began to soften. His normal behaviors changed. He told me he had intended to handle this calmly, but for some reason just didn't. P. said he over reacted and I really hadn't done anything wrong. He apologized and said everything right.

The problem is, by that time the old tapes were already re-playing: Bree, you are such a fuck-up, you never do anything right, you bring this pain on yourself and you will always feel this pain.

How did I handle it different? This time, I told P. what I was feeling instead of drawing into myself. I told him my body wanted me to run and because of the pain, I was believing all these bad things about myself and I might as well commit suicide. I did not do this as a guilt trip. I did it because for so long I have held my inner self, feeling it was too intense. P. held me and comforted me. He apologized for being the one to bring me to this relapse. He told me how proud he has been of me, how well I am doing. How I am changed. Well, not really changed, but back to the sassy woman I used to be.

I asked him if he thought I should make an appointment with a provider I recently found who might be able to put me on anti-depressants. P. said to hold off, I had been doing so well and been so strong, let's see how I deal with this first.

And I am dealing. Those self-hating thoughts are coming back now and then, but their power isn't so intense. It helps to have someone to reach out to...and have him reach back and gather me in his arms.