For those with Mothers We Don't Celebrate

Nobody knows what a hard job it is to be a mom, until they are a mom. This is for those of us who have a hard time with celebrating the mother in our life.

I can't remember the last time I celebrated Mother's Day for my mother. Sadly, some women really shouldn't have kids. My mom had five, and at one point or another we all agreed she shouldn't have had any- or at least stopped at the first when she realized she was shit at playing mom.

So I celebrate my aunt, who made it possible for my to visit my beloved Gram more often before she died. I celebrate my sis and sister-in-law, sis is a step-mom and puts more effort into her step-son than his mom does, sister-in-law has the same parenting philosophy I do. I celebrate my good friend who was a sister figure, mother figure and friend all rolled into one. I celebrate my former boss, whose kindness and compassion led me to my faith that has enabled me to survive the aftermath of two crippling betrayals.

There are many women in your world who make you who you are, celebrate them. Sometimes the role of 'mother' is untraditional. One of my favorite 'traditions' started w/ the pregnancy of my daughter was the moms in my playgroup throwing a Blessingway instead of a baby shower. We celebrate the bond of women, who have walked the path before us, beside us and behind us. Recently, I changed the format a bit to create a "Healingway" for a good friend. We got together as women and celebrated her and poured our strength and love into her. There is something awesome (in a powerful way- not like totally rad ) about the power of women who hold each other up.

Celebrate that. Celebrate what is IN your life. Understand that some traditions go back further than Mother's Day. When you look around at the women in your life you can celebrate, know that while it's not what the card companies sell- it is what matters.

So Happy Mother's day, because I am sure that in some way, at some time- you have filled that role for someone in your life.

letting go

we've walked this stretch of beach before
the waves fall into the shore
the sand shifts under our feet
what should be the same is ever changing

in the past we have entwined our arms
fingers laced together
heads tilted towards each other

we've also just walked side by side
fingertips touching
the words on our lips barely said

each time we walk this strand
we walk a different way
near far
but together

now I find myself turning away
facing into the wind
the horizon in the other direction
a new place to walk

I hear you call my name and I turn back
to see you reaching towards me, hand palm up
warm brown eyes filled with love
fear
longing

the wind holds me up, pushing me towards you
but I worry that it will fail
I will fall
I have nobody but myself to do the catching

still your hand reaches out
your voice hopeful
the wind gusts around me
confusion swirls in eddies

I reach out to you, touching your fingertips lightly
this is a chance I'm taking
one I am not sure I want to take
if I finally walk alone
at least I know I tried.

Dose of Reality

Recently, someone left me a message that read: face reality.

Reality is that P. and I dated young. Have had marital problems based on the youth and issues from our past. We never dealt with each problem fully in our marriage, everything just built up. Now we find ourselves at the point of no return.

We push and pull. Sometimes he's fully committed, sometimes I am. There are so many factors to consider. First is whether our marriage can become healthy enough to be a good environment for the kids. Secondly, can we give each other what we need?

So here's where my dose of reality is.

1- I have tried to leave, told him he was free, consulted a lawyer.

2- Currently, he is the one wanting to try and work it out, and I can't help but want to try based on his words of love and assurance. I am still scared though. Sometimes leaving seems easier than all the work we will have to do.

3- I am not 'using' our kids. I have told him he could have open access to them. Indeed, he would likely see them more in that case then he has in the past 9mos.

4- I am not 'staying for the kids' and neither is P. We have made that clear to each other. It is not 'for the kids' to see a broken marriage hobble along. It will be the blueprint of what they expect for their marriage and we don't want that for them.

5- For the kids means both parents being the best role models for their kids, whether that is together or apart we have yet to see.

6- Even with the positive progress that P. and I have made, there is a chance that this marriage will end. However, we have the right to not only try, but to hold off on a choice either way in the immediate future. The choice doesn't have to be made this day or even this month. We are seeking help, we have goals and if things don't seem to be progressing, then we will re-evaluate.

7- The only people that fully know the picture of our marriage are the two people who have been there the entire 15 yrs. Not people (even my close friends and sis) that have heard things second-hand. Not people that were there during a down time and a 're-write of the relationship history'. The reason my closest friend and my sister are my confidants is because they can understand that. They have their opinions that might be counter to my own, but they keep them in check because they know they are not IN our marriage. They support me either way.

8- Working through our issues is the best chance for everyone to have happiness. I am happy on my own, indeed have been at the most peace when I have imagined living on my own. But the statistics are that future relationships are more likely to fail. If we can work through this and our other marital issues, then it is best for us and our family.


So there's my dose of reality. Yes, I helped get my marriage in its fucked up state. Yes, I have wallowed in my depression- never made any bones about that. This blog is a fairly complete record of my struggle. I have been this honest in the hopes of helping others who might feel depressed. Now you know one more issue in my life.

Because of that, I hope you understand when I say that I am all the more amazed at my healing. Yes, MINE, not P.'s. He's responsible for his own. I can't force him. Over the years I have talked to him about the childhood issues I see popping up in his adult interactions. Up until know he has refused to acknowledge that anything is an issue. We may or may not succeed, depending on what path we each take. We can only do so much together, the rest is up to individual things. I feel really good about my path. It's promising that P. has agreed to continue his own therapy.

Rest assured that whatever happens, it will be on OUR terms. Not someone's mistaken impression of what our marriage is, should be or will be. To my friends, thank you for your support- even when you don't believe in my actions, you believe in me.

Love Letter to my Husband

This time of year is always poignant. We have the anniversary of our first date, follwed very shortly by our wedding anniversary. Then Valentine's Day and the next month, P's birthday.

With so much going on in our lives, it's easy to focus on the negative. And I have more than I like to admit. I've been walking a tightrope of forcing myself to look at harsh reality and trying my best to live in a dream world.

So here I am, ready to look at both. We 'argued' from the very beginning almost. They were debates on homosexuals in the military, whether people should get married just because of a pregnancy and anything else we could come up with. As we've grown apart, I've missed those debates. Instead, our arguments are more real than theories.

But there was also an instant attraction. As 18 year-olds, we played at that game of drawing nearer and pulling away. But finally deciding on each other was a sweet moment. Being taught how to kiss...that's a memory I will have forever.

The times spent with our friends at the beach. Stealing kisses between classes. Cuddled up in a twin-sized dorm bed, whispering dreams and wishes to each other. Finally being able to wake up next to each other everyday, looking into your eyes and saying, "Good morning, I love you." I never thought that would end.

Somehow, we got off track. The stress of living on our own got between us. Our own past and upbringing caused the debates to turn into fights. And soon there was the separation. A mistake that was the catalyst for the next ten years of pain, misunderstanding and sorrow. If only we had talked through everything back then and tried to understand each other.

But now, we are older and wiser. Maybe old enough and wise enough to get past that old pain...and the new ones.

Because I do believe that if we honestly communicate this time, and learn the tools we were never taught growing up, that we can have that happy marriage we had in the beginning. I know it will be a lot of work. I am willing to do it though, because there is so much past there, so much love, that I think we succeed.

I want to continue looking at the stars with you. Go camping, hiking and maybe play tennis again. Going out on dates and exploring new restaurants. Whispering to you each morning as I look into your beautiful, dark eyes, "Good Morning, I love you."

It's been 15 years...

Since two 18 year olds sat at a table in a college cafeteria and argued about all manner of things, then became friends over the next couple of weeks and finally ended up dancing in the aisle of a movie theater to the music of the end credits.

So much has happened since then, wonderful, good, bad and awful. So much is still unknown about this marriage between "teenagers" and what will happen.

But, for today, I've been thinking about the good. Here are two gifts from P. One is part of a set- little J-girl. The other part of the set, C-guy was at school during the photo shoot. The flowers are the sweet remembrance of our first date. Our wedding anniversary is Sunday.