Once you become a parent, it seems like everyone wants to give you a performance report. Puts baby in socks and hat: A. Gets rid of all pets that might suck the breath out of baby: F. Trains baby to sleep through the night: C. I was ready for all that, you get your first taste of it as a pregnant mother when you first begin to show. Suddenly everyone is a nutrition and exercise expert. What I wasn’t ready for was how some people feel it is all right to tell you how you are as a wife and mother based on an outdated TV show. There’s the ever popular comment, “Well, aren’t you lucky to be able to stay at home. I sure wish I could.” As if we didn’t make choices and sacrifices so that one of us could stay home. But occasionally you will hear a comment like one I came across recently. The person was asking how come modern stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) were so lazy. Why couldn’t they be more like June Cleaver? When given the luxury of staying home while our husbands did the real work of putting food on the table and a roof over our heads, how come we couldn't keep a sparkling clean house while looking beautiful and serving the man of the house a martini while putting his slippers on? Why do we whine about the fact that he doesn't pick up his own socks or spend time with his kids? Why can't we be perfect housewives? After all, June Cleaver did it with style and a smile.

I was not raised to be June Cleaver. My parents made a conscious effort to raise me to be a self-sufficient woman. No matter what happened, I was not supposed to rely on a man. My husband knew that before he married me (he also knew I wasn't much of a housekeeper, but I digress.) In June Cleaver’s world, most women joined the workforce only as long as it took to find a husband to take care of them. They were raised knowing that to be a "wife" meant being a "housewife." My husband and I planned things differently. I had always expected to go back to work after having children. But that changed when we became parents. Everything changed- our whole paradigm shifted. We realized that nobody could give our son the love and attention that his own mother could. It has been a hard adjustment for me, one that June Cleaver didn't have to make.

I knew what it meant to be a parent- then I became one. Suddenly I found myself following my instincts instead of my cherished lists of "supposed to's." I held my child- often, we discovered the family bed, replaced strict discipline with gentle guidance and even nursed past the first year. I don't wear lovely housedresses or style my hair with hot-rollers on a daily basis. For now my idea of great art is anything I don’t have to wash off the walls and floor. I have a hard time creating "Good Housekeeping" meals because my toddler seems to always have a meltdown just as it's time to cook dinner. So we have a lot of one-dish meals because I feel that how my son turns out is more important than how dinner turns out.

That brings me to another point. I want my son to grow up ready to be a good husband and father. As we all know, children do as we do, not as we say. So I ask my husband to pick his socks up off of the living room floor (again!) and to spend his after work time winding down with his son instead of the evening newspaper (or in today's world- television.) I don't feel too guilty for making these requests. After all, it's OUR son who needs an involved father. It's also our home and it doesn't matter who pays for it, we all live in it and should all have a hand in keeping it clean.

Yes, my husband works hard; he also knows he's appreciated by us and his employer. Ask almost any SAHM if most people she "works for" appreciate the sacrifices they make. At least my husband gets something tangible- a paycheck- to show that he's "really working." I have to open my eyes to the intangible. He also gets to leave the house and get adult interaction on a regular basis. He gets weekends off, sometimes even Fridays. I'm on duty every minute of every hour of every day. If I slack off on the weekend, I have to do catch-up and work four times as hard on Monday. A few weeks ago I was sick for the first time in years. We're talking fever, sore throat, fatigue...to top it off, my son was throwing up from a stomach virus he caught at playgroup. Did I get a day off? Nope. I had to take care of my sick self and a queasy toddler (toddlers don't like throwing up IN anything in case you didn't know...they turn their heads to throw up ON things- at least mine does.) When my husband came down with what I had later that week, not only did he get a day off, he got two- and with no sick toddler to watch out for! And just in case you're wondering…June Cleaver never got sick.

Ah, and that brings me to my final point.

June Clever was a product of someone's imagination (probably a man!) I'm a REAL woman. My house gets a little messy and so do I. My child did not appear to me half grown with freckles and a cute little cowlick (ok, he has the cowlick.) I have given more of my true self to my family than I ever dreamed I would. Sometimes you can feel the stubble on my legs because my shower got interrupted by a little child who decided that NOW is the time to dial Australia. My husband and I don't have our own little matching twin beds- our whole family sleeps together in one glorious king-sized bed.

I learn as much as I can about the world that my son is growing up in instead of creating my own in the form of a sterile house and a superficial family. It’s creating an environment where my child can feel at home and he can learn through exploration. It’s about believing that it’s more important for my husband to come home to a happy family than to a pristine house. Staying at home for modern women means making choices about what you want for your family. Usually that doesn’t include a home like June Cleaver’s. You could hire someone to clean your house. The job that you do when you stay home can’t be done by anyone else.

I'm not June Cleaver. After all, who would want to be. Where's the spontaneity, the passion- the fun? Not in June Cleaver's house (although I'm sure there are some fresh, baked from scratch cookies there.) But that's all right, because in my house we have these in abundance...even a cookie or two!

Letter to a friend who asked for parenting advice

I'm going to go ahead an be honest. I truly believe in attachment parenting. It goes along with everything I learned in school and everything I felt was right once I became a parent. Basically it's meet your child's needs. They can't be spoiled in the first year really. They cry because they need something...even if it's just to be held (don't we all need that at sometime?) I started out breastfeeding because 1) it was cheaper and 2) My husband insisted because he read it made for smarter babies. Once Deedlebug was born, for some reason I *needed* to be able to nurse him (maybe it goes back to not bonding w/ my mom...who knows.) We had some problems (it doesn't come naturally believe it or not) It's been wonderful...all the fears I had of being like my mother and not bonding have gone away.

Since Deedlebug was born I've done A LOT of research...I know...I should have done it BEFORE. But I thought with my schooling (I was a child development/family relations minor) and experience (all those years in day care) I knew everything. Then he proceeded to let me know I didn't ;) He refused to sleep in the bassinet after his first night feeding, finally DH said "Just let him sleep with us!" I was worried and started researching online. I found that the same sense that keeps you from rolling off the bed will keep you from rolling on your baby. True...not only that but at first you keep waking up because your subconscious KNOWS he's there. You take the same precautions you would with a crib...keep baby away from big fluffy pillows and watch the covers. We have our convertable crib w/ the side taken off attached to our bed. It helps parents get more sleep and helps w/ the nursing relationship.

If I had it to do all over again, I would just buy a bigger bed (we eventually went to a king-sized bed), the carseat, diapers (heck, we've switched to cloth now...), a sling and clothes. So much cheaper than everything else, and you can wait till after baby is born to see what you really need. Swing, bouncy seat, high chair...all of that barely used.

I'm telling you all this flat out because I know you're an intelligent girl who will make her own decisions and won't feel pressured by what I feel is right. You make your own decisions based on what works for you and your new family :) I've spent months trying to be careful with my old friend b/c she has someone in her family she looks up to who is a pediatrician. The doc was going to give her all the free formula she needed...no talk about breast vs. bottle. Now that her child is born, she's understanding some of what I said. And they see Deedlebug and realize that he's turning out ok...I'm not some crazy, crunchy granola hippie :)

I'll send you links about all this stuff, if you're bored you can read up ;) I think breastfeeding is important because human milk is for human babies. There’s protein in human milk that makes a baby’s brain grow faster…because that’s what human babies need. There’s a protein in cow’s milk that makes a baby cow grow faster…because that’s what he needs. Almost all formula is made from the leftover stuff after processing dairy. There have been formula recalls. Breastfeeding exercises proper facial and jaw development. It adapts to the needs of an infant (if the baby is premature, it adapts to that…if it is summer, it is more watery.) Breastfeeding reduces the chances of breast and ovarian cancer in the mother. It’s a natural child spacer. And I truly believe that’s how God intended we care for our infants. There are SO many things that breastfeeding provides that formula doesn’t provide (even the “best” formula) and it’s free. Don’t worry about dad, he can and will bond with the baby in other ways…besides, at first he should be taking care of Mommy J
You can attend La Leche League meetings…even before you have the baby. It will help you prepare and answer any questions. Plus most groups have a good library on parenting. Free to members, if you’re not a member, they ask you to write a check for the value of the book…it will be returned when the book is returned. Also, even if you don’t go or aren’t a member, feel free to call your local LLL leader with questions or concerns.

I mentioned a sling would be something I would buy. If you haven’t seen one, it’s basically a strip of fabric you can use to carry your baby. The one I recommend is the Maya Wrap. It’s not “padded” but you can spread it out. I still use it with Deedlebug…it’s good for up to 35 or 40 lbs. You can cradle carry with a newborn, kangaroo carry with a baby w/ good head control, hip carry w/ a baby with good head control and back carry with a toddler. What other carrier can do that and fold to fit in your diaper bag? J I’ll send some links so you can check it out for yourself (if you want, I’ll try to make one and send it…I’m having a hard time finding rings though.) Most pack carriers aren’t good for babies before they can hold their heads up. Also, some researchers have suggested that it’s not good to have them sitting up w/ legs spread at spine compressed at an early age. Slings are also GREAT for discreet nursing…the tail of the Maya Wrap can be used like a blanket to cover baby.

With Deedlebug we have also decided not to spank. Both of us were abused as children and we don’t want to risk “losing it.” There are so many other forms of discipline, and if you know where your child is developmentally, you can work with them where they are at. One author made a good point when she said: Imagine that the person who you love with all your heart and who normally treats you in a loving manner suddenly hurts you. (I didn’t put it in quotes b/c I know I don’t have exactly) That’s how a young child sees it. I try not to yell even, because I see him start to act the same way. No matter what people say, I do think it teaches the lesson that it’s ok to hit…someone who is littler.

Ok, now that you know more than you wanted to know…

I just want to say I am SO happy for you. You guys will be WONDERFUL parents.…what a lucky baby. I’m in love with your little one already.

I have decided that it's time to stop apologizing for my beliefs. I do know that there are gentle ways to get people to understand what you're getting at. But I'll be damnd if I let someone guilt me into saying "What you do with your kid is ok."

We all agree ok is NOT ok. If it was, then how come we have the problems we do in our country? How come we have school shootings, people leaving their kids home alone so they can watch a movie, children taken to daycare even when they're sick? Our priorities are messed up. I notice it in conversations I have with other moms. I saw it when I worked daycare, I just never knew what could fix it- but I did know your kids want you more than they want *things.

My son may never grow up and say "Thanks for breastfeeding me mom." But I'm sure he will never be paying a shrink big bucks to talk about how his mother never had time for him. I started by breastfeeding, and after giving that I just knew I could give more...and he needed more.

I want to respect my child as a person NOW, because I don't want to be apologizing to him when he grows up. My father still apologizes for spanking us, not spending enough time with us and for not being our ADVOCATE while we were growing up. I will raise my child in such a way that I know I did everything possible to respect and support his humanity from day one.

Why should other people have the right to tell me how to raise my child, but I am not allowed to comment on their child-rearing practices?

I will never stop learning and I will never stop growing. What I WILL stop is apologizing.

Why shouldn't the naysayers apologize to ME for being lazy, accidental parents? It's their kids who have an increased chance of being disgruntled and taking it out on society. It's their kids who will feel like the world owes them because their parents gave them everything but their time.

So no, I won't apologize because I have deeply held beliefs. I believe nobody can take care of a child as well as it's parents (be they biological or adopted...parents mean the people who carry a child in the HEART.) I believe that human milk is for human babies, nothing could ever be as good. I believe that we should not mutilate our children's genitals. I believe we should not hit a child just because they are smaller. We find alternatives in our interactions with other adults, why not show children the same effort and respect? I believe that if a child is lonely at night, there should always be a warm welcome in a cozy family bed. I believe that every child deserves the human closeness they desire, if they need to be held, they should be. I believe a child's cries should be responded to, their needs are no less real or important than our own. I believe that by giving these simple things to our children now, they will give back to the world in wondrous ways.