Thank You

I don't think people know how much they mean to me. I should tell them, but just thinking about it my nose is tingling and my eyes are welling up. Any little thing is likely to bring me up short.

Why?

Because I have a hard time believing I am worthy of thought, consideration, affection. The significant people in my life have gone to great pains to teach me that. My kids though...they are everything a wounded heart needs. But I still tell myself, children love their most awful parents. I loved my mom. She was not good for any of us kids.

So, I am trying to get through this feeling of being undeserving. I look at the words and actions of my kind friends and know, if I could just bypass myself, reaching out to them means they reach back.

Every little thing is so significant I feel as though I owe my life for the kindness shared with me. It is really, truly and deeply felt by me. Appreciated even if I don't have the words or ability to express it to you.

Dedicated to 'my girls'

Time for an easy blog. I just wanted to let the friends that have been beside me through my ups and downs, crying, laughter and excuses- I appreciate it. I heard this song today and cried, thinking of ya'll. You might want to check out the YouTube link quick, as they are cleaning out the copyrighted stuff ;)


Destiny's Child - Girl Lyrics

[Verse 1 Beyonce]

Take A Minute Girl Come Sit Down

And Tell Us What's Been Happening

In Your Face I Can See The Pain

Don't You Try To Convince Us That You're Happy (Yeah)

We've Seen This All Before

But He's Taking Advantage Of Your Passion

Because We've Come Too Far

For You To Feel Alone

You Don't Let Him Walk Over Your Heart

I'm Telling You



[Chorus]

Girl, I Can Tell You've Been Crying

And You Needing Somebody To Talk To

Girl, I Can Tell He's Been Lying

And Pretending That He's Faithful And He Loves You

Girl, You Don't Have To Be Hiding

Don't You Be Ashamed To Say He Hurt You

I'm Your Girl, You're My Girl, We're Your Girls

Don't You To Know That We Love You?



[Verse 2 Kelly]

See What You All Don't Know About Him

Is I Can't Let Him Go Because He Needs Me

It Ain't Really Him It's Stress From His Job

And I Ain't Making It Easy

I Know You See Him Bugging On Me Sometimes

But I Know Deep Inside He Don't Mean It

It Gets Hard Sometimes

But I Need My Man

I Don't Think Ya'll Understand

I'm Telling You



[Chorus x2]



[Bridge Michelle]

Girl, Take A Good Look At Yourself

He Got You Going Through Hell

We Ain't Never Seen You Down Like This

What You Mean You Don't Need Us To Help?

We Known Each Other Too Well



[Chorus]



[Beyonce:]

Girl I've been knowin' you since you were ten,

you cannot hide from your friends



[Chorus]

know thyself

I posted before about leaving a group for my own good. I know that it sounds crazy to love a group of women as individuals, even as a group, yet not want to be part of the group. But there it is...when have I ever done anything completely sane?

Anyhow, knowing who I am has paid off. As soon as I cut ties to these wonderful ladies as a group, I allowed myself to venture out to other groups, nearer to me. I cut my safety net away and I have high hopes that it will pay off for myself and my kids.

What will rock even more is having my old friends still, but letting myself make new friends too.

saying goodbye

One more post for the day (on a roll, huh?)

Recently I left a group I have been in for years. I got to the point that seeing interactions/non-interactions was a negative experience to me. Let me emphasize: to me. It's all about my perception and what I could handle. Individually, they are fantastic women. Even as a group, just wonderful. But the particular dynamics weren't something I could handle in my life at this point.

I didn't want to leave in a huff of drama, like I have seen others leave email loops. The melodramatic good-bye posts are often really a ploy to get others to beg them to stay. So I just quietly left, figuring nobody would notice/comment for awhile.

What was there to say? No matter how I say it, it would seem like an accusation. Ya'll aren't meeting my needs at this point and I would like to move on instead of trying to live in the past and recapture the golden years. But that reads wrong, since (as the old break-up line says) its not you (all), it's me. It's my lack of the social ins and outs that other women seem to have. It's my fear of asking for help while intensily longing to have very close connections. I don't expect anybody else to meet my needs as I often don't even know what my needs are.

I just wanted to leave while leaving was a strength for me. While I was doing it for the right reasons, to decrease the negative feelings I have. The only problem, is because I have seperated myself so quietly, and I already have a habit of not reaching out, I fear that I have cut myself out of their lives completely rather than just this aspect of it. And par for the course, I don't know how to fix it.

mix tapes

So when we were young, the thing to do was make mix tapes. I remember taping directly from the radio, pausing between songs, trying not to have duplicates. As I got older, they became jokes, "What, you made him a mix tape?" *sneer*

Now, in these days of technology, we make mix CDs, or possibly mix iPod playlists. Gone are the days of going through tapes, syncing up and trying to rewind those three seconds to make it perfectly timed.

A friend of mine recently made me a couple of mix CDs. I listened to them, now and then reading a bit of the notes she sent along with them. Today was the first day I listened all the way through, reading the entire letter. Let's just say I am glad I was having a strong day. Her life and mine had parallels, we've thought and felt the same things. It's funny how music speaks to people and creates a pocket of a memory you can call up at a few notes. Some of the songs totally made me feel the same way. Others, I had strong memories of my own.

"Losing my Religion" will always be a parody song to me. In our HS, we had the requisite high achiever. He happened to hook up with one of the 'easy' girls. Rumor had it that one night he lost his virginity to her. Then spent an hour in the shower trying to wash everything off to assure he didn't catch anything from her (no word on what she felt about this post-coital sterilization attempt). So, among my friends, the song lyrics, "That's me in the shower. That's me in the spotlight, losing my virginity. Trying to wash the stank of you...but I don't know if I could do it..." became almost as popular as the song.

I'm glad I had those moments to make me smile, because just knowing my friend cared so much, that she knew I hurt often, that my self-esteem is so low, that I need to take care of myself more, it made me cry in a bittersweet way. I knew I wasn't calling out into the darkness with nobody hearing. There is someone there who cares.

Healingway part one

I've decided I need a Healingway. What's that you might ask. I'm in the midst of planning a Blessingway for a friend. As I do this, I think about my other friends and their experiences. One that still has so many knots because of her birth experience, one because the dream of a healthy child is gone. Then I thought, if they need a healingway, we could do one for everyone. What would mine be?

Healing from feeling isolated and unworthy of time. It's what first came in mind. So I'm putting that on my plate next. Planning a healingway for those of my friends that are willing to come together, help each other heal and commit part of our spirits to each other.

I believe we do have sort of a communal spirit. Christians call it God- He is infused in all. But whatever you call it, whatever your religion, there is something that connects us. Something that can befoul the energy around us. Something that lifts us up and gives us strength. So why wouldn't we also get together to heal and cleanse each other?

Take a moment to think. If you could gather with a small group of friends, share your pain or confusion or struggles, what would you share? What thing in your life would you most like to heal from?

Exchange Rate for Friends

What are friends worth to you? What do you expect out of them? What do you expect to give to them?

Me, I have always wanted people to feel close to, but so many times I thought I was there and things fell short of my expectations that I just hold back now.

What would be my dream friendship? That I could come to a person in any state of mind and be assured that I am not wasting their time or getting in the way of their life. I suppose that would mean I would be a part of their life. I wouldn't have to hold back about fears, dreams, plans, finances, religion, beliefs and so on. I could say, "I need help." And the friend would say, "You got it."

What could a friend expect from me? The same. To be treated like someone as important to me as family (who, BTW, I also long for a closer relationship with).

Right now, I have quite a few friends. And I am ready to give them what they need to make them stronger and happier if I can. But I still hold back because I am afraid of it all being one sided.

It is you know. I've reached out and said I NEED THIS to certain friends, and have gotten no response. I honestly expected more. So I reached out again, to more people. Response this time, but not anything that helped me continue to hold my head above water.

Part of the reason I agreed to move 2hrs away is because I knew that near or far, they weren't the people I needed to go to for help. Now of course I still need the help I wasn't getting before and have to find a more nearby social circle.

Maybe I just need to be more selective. I am so starved for meaningful interaction it's hard though. I do notice that some of my friends are also getting their needs ignored. That's what prompted me to start this particular rant. In my opinion, when a friend needs you, you drop everything you can to be there. If there's something going on in their lives that is a once in a lifetime thing- you participate. Even if you have other plans. If your plans are once a year type thing- well, still hands down for me. It's once a year, you've got next year.

If a friend suggests ways to get closer, you brainstorm what works. Not harp on what doesn't.

And if a friend calls out and says I need people to talk to, you open those ears and listen.

When I friend says I need a life preserver, you throw them ten.

But, maybe it's just me. Maybe the friends I expect are a dying breed.

Somewhere out there

Today is the 14th Anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. That means it's my friend Barbie's 30th birthday.

I remember in high school, she wrote an essay about it and how it came down on her 16th birthday. It meant so much to her, living in Germany and seeing the wall just a few years before.

Barbie had a spirit. She still had it the last time I saw her about 5 years ago. Just changed some. But for some reason she let the contact drop shortly after that and I haven't been able to find her again.

Thinking of her reminds me of my other friends in HS. Tammy, Barbie got really close to her. She was a sweet girl- I envied her dark curly hair. I heard she died years ago from the heart problems that had always been with her. Tammy I never said it, but you were a friend and you ARE missed by more than you would have known.

Eileen- so imaginative and so downtrodden by her father. Stephen, what a goofy guy.

Further back. Susan, my lost friend, one of the trio. Such artistic talent! Last I heard from her she was living hours away from my home in NC (ok, quite a few hours as her dad was stationed in Andrews). But of all the places we could have been sent after the Philippines, that was pretty close. The other third of the trio- Calonte. We kept in touch even in college and somehow with her moves and my moves we lost touch. I emailed her dad and never got a reply. Searching for one of them later, I found out why no reply- he had died. The obituary was like a slap in the face, I can only imagine how Calonte felt.

There are so many. When you're a military brat friends are like flowers floating in a reflecting pool. Some drift away, some you can almost touch, but they always stay in your heart.