What depression has done to me

It feels like my whole life, I've been sad. So sad that when a conflict arises, I immediately shut down, unable to deal with it. The thought hits me, "This will never end, I will ALWAYS feel like my heart is being ripped out. I might as well end it."

I can't remember a time when suicide didn't have some sort of appeal. I think my first half-hearted attempt was at 12yo, after a particularly debilitating round of mind games from my mother. I was living with my father and stepmother in the Philippines, my mom was in Alaska and yet she still managed to get to me. I remember sitting alone in a dark living room in the middle of the night and just sobbing.

Often, just the thought of my Gram was enough to stop me. I sensed she was the person that loved me unconditionally, so I didn't want to hurt her. When she died, it was a kick in the gut. I had my son by then, so I tell myself I have to carry on. But even now, I have sometimes daily thoughts of suicide.

Of course, that's the most severe and manifest of all the depression problems. I suppose the next severe is I withdraw. It's like I shut down and can't cope. Even when I try to seek out interaction, I usually make sure it's only aquaintances, people I don't have to invest in. I avoid friends and people I love. I don't want them to see me as an emotional wreck, and it's too hard to try and act normal. Though some days I can pull it together, I think. I tell myself everyone has their own lives and problems, so I can't bother them. But my heart calls, "Please help me."

My husband was concerned for me, so he set me up w/ a shrink. It worked for a bit. She put me on Prozac right away and while the worst of the worst went away, I still never felt right. Also, the meds gave me sudden whole body shudders and anxiety attacks. The doc never really addressed that. She never really addressed any issues, beyond, "You are a smart person, start trying to think better of yourself. Go out, have time to yourself...work out." Thanks, I had no idea those were good things.

But thanks to her I found out that some of my hardest issues could be linked to depression. Futility. Anger. Stress. Frustration. Even for my sudden lack of concentration, the feeling that my brain is in a fog. I didn't have to hate myself for those things, for yelling at the kids so much, for having a short fuse. But I did anyway. I do anyway.

Imagine a person you cannot stand. Someone that just makes you cringe when you are around them. Someone that gives you the urge to just smack them because of who they are and how they act. Now imagine that's the person you are inside. That's how I feel when I think of myself. When I try to think about who I am, I just hate myself to the core. I honestly can't figure out why people love me. It's this huge puzzle. Or I tell myself they don't really know the real me. If I were pressed to name waht makes me so hateful, I couldn't- it's not tangible.

I had a recurring dream from early childhood to early adolescence. I was in a crib, crying my heart out, while my family happily waved good-bye. As a parent, I know now this probably stemmed from my parents having me cry-it-out. As a young child, growing and learning about who I am, it just taught me I am not worth being cared for. It's a lesson I am still trying to unlearn today. It was reinforced in high school, whenever I had problems, I was forced to deal with them on my own. My friend and I were being harassed by the flag squad (we were the only two white girls), my parents had me deal with it. When the principal blew it off, I had to deal with it on my own. They meant to teach me to be strong and stand up for myself, but what they taught me is there is never a time when I am worth fighting for.

I'm sure these patterns are why I can't ask for help, go to someone and just weep on their shoulders like I long to. Even with the shrink I feel the need to put a bold face on it. But what happens, is it leaves me with no strength to live my life. I don't know how to fix myself and I hate myself for that. For being so weak and stupid.

because i think it's hilarious

woohoo

i fixed it- just switched to a new template. now what pearls of wisdom will I drop?I have so many things I think about then I forget in the day to day activities.

celebrity gossip:
did it strike anyone else as a coincidence (slightly ironic) that on Friends, Anniston's character had a vaginal birth w/ a breech baby. And IRL Jolie had a c-section w/ a footling breech (the tv baby was butt first IIRC).

mental status:
I'm almost scared at how hard things are to understand lately. It's like there's just no more room in my brain. I get so stressed out because I can't seem to grasp things like I used to. Like this whole comments thing. HTML- totally threw me. Yet, I have been known to HTML a webpage in the past.

guilt trips:
DH doesn't really want anything to do with his father. He says no regrets, he doesn't want the drama in his life. But he admits if it wasn't for the family, he might not take that step. I can't help but feel guilty because he might one day regret this. Oddly enough I did the same thing with my mom- too much drama, too little attachment. But that was happening before I even graduated high school.

kids:
man, it is hard to be a parent, but how could I love them more? I honestly think they are the best of who I am.

weight:
I beat myself up over it, yet keep on with the eating habits.

another try

all my angst is being wasted! ;)