Somewhere out there

Today is the 14th Anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. That means it's my friend Barbie's 30th birthday.

I remember in high school, she wrote an essay about it and how it came down on her 16th birthday. It meant so much to her, living in Germany and seeing the wall just a few years before.

Barbie had a spirit. She still had it the last time I saw her about 5 years ago. Just changed some. But for some reason she let the contact drop shortly after that and I haven't been able to find her again.

Thinking of her reminds me of my other friends in HS. Tammy, Barbie got really close to her. She was a sweet girl- I envied her dark curly hair. I heard she died years ago from the heart problems that had always been with her. Tammy I never said it, but you were a friend and you ARE missed by more than you would have known.

Eileen- so imaginative and so downtrodden by her father. Stephen, what a goofy guy.

Further back. Susan, my lost friend, one of the trio. Such artistic talent! Last I heard from her she was living hours away from my home in NC (ok, quite a few hours as her dad was stationed in Andrews). But of all the places we could have been sent after the Philippines, that was pretty close. The other third of the trio- Calonte. We kept in touch even in college and somehow with her moves and my moves we lost touch. I emailed her dad and never got a reply. Searching for one of them later, I found out why no reply- he had died. The obituary was like a slap in the face, I can only imagine how Calonte felt.

There are so many. When you're a military brat friends are like flowers floating in a reflecting pool. Some drift away, some you can almost touch, but they always stay in your heart.

Newness

Growing up, I liked the moving about. I liked seeing new places and meeting new people. Even as shy as I was, I always made a few good friends. But now, moves are harder for me. It takes longer to find where I fit, and when I do and then move, it's that much harder to let go and start over. But my problem is, I have found that it's SO true. You can't go home again.

The contradictions of parenting

So many parents are stuck on the idea that they have to make their children independent. An entire industry has sprung up from the desire. Cribs, swings, bouncy seats...I could go on and on. All of these designed to seperate a child from its parent.

Books are written about how to get your child to be independent. So many parents let their tiny infants cry themselves to sleep because they "have to learn to do it sometime." I suppose that means that sooner is better than later.

Toddlers are told to be big boys and girls, pressured to use the potty before they might be ready. Faced with the disappointment of those they love, they struggle not to have an accident and are faced with the failure of their body, not their heart, when their immature bowels take over.

The first day of school, they are told to go- you can leave. Go into that room full of people you don't know in that huge building you've never been in. You can do it- no, you have to do it. There is no room for fear, only room to disappoint.

In middle school- you gotta do it on your own. Deal with that bully on your own. There will be bullies to deal with the rest of your life. Rely on your own strength- I can't give you mine.

So when a child gets to the high school age and is living what s/he has been taught, why do parents get thrown for a loop. I see teenagers fighting for independence, the same that their parents have been trying to instill in them from day one. Isn't this what a parent has dreamed of since they hardened their heart to the little soft baby crying forlornly for them in its crib?

Maybe what we're looking for in the end isn't independence, but interdependence. We want our children to want to be with us. But we're told by society that it's not to the good of the child. If all of this is good, then why are there so many teen problems?

Maybe we need to think harder about the results we want before we take that first step and let our little bundles of joy cry for us.