Thank You

I don't think people know how much they mean to me. I should tell them, but just thinking about it my nose is tingling and my eyes are welling up. Any little thing is likely to bring me up short.

Why?

Because I have a hard time believing I am worthy of thought, consideration, affection. The significant people in my life have gone to great pains to teach me that. My kids though...they are everything a wounded heart needs. But I still tell myself, children love their most awful parents. I loved my mom. She was not good for any of us kids.

So, I am trying to get through this feeling of being undeserving. I look at the words and actions of my kind friends and know, if I could just bypass myself, reaching out to them means they reach back.

Every little thing is so significant I feel as though I owe my life for the kindness shared with me. It is really, truly and deeply felt by me. Appreciated even if I don't have the words or ability to express it to you.

Parenting Choices...so hard to make...

Teen parents disagree on child-rearing

I know that P. doesn't always jump right into my zany ideas. We're going on a year of deciding to homeschool. He thought extended breastfeeding was odd, but understood the benefits. When it came to co-sleeping, P. was actually the one to suggest it and I had to research the safety of it before I agreed.

I know Christian parents married to their Jewish partners have a struggle...Chanukah? Christmas? Even within the Christian community, there can be fundamental differences that led to parenting strife.

But...
Crips vs. Ballers?

It's like a whole other world to me. I wonder at anyone that has this as the primary concern for the well-being of their toddler.

I'm just thunderstruck. Even providing for myself at age 18yo, I had at least had enough of a headstart to have a high school diploma, to be attending college. Yes, I feel like my college loans will stay with me just as long as any initiation scar or gang tat...but damn I was lucky. And here's a second generation...maybe third...beginning all over again.

I wonder if the two parents felt like some sort of Romeo and Juliet. Now reality has set in and they have to decide, "Yo- what colors do we decorate the nursery? Her gangs or mines?"

It jsut kind of makes me step back. I know I have problems but at least...I know I have problems. As as such, I can take the steps to keep moving forward. I can get help, education, loving community support.

Where people in these situations likely join a gang because they feel even less like they belong than I do. They need the protection for self preservation, for the lower levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I can see how fortunate I am to be in the upper half of that particular pyramid. If I don't keep my struggle to keep climbing up, that slope is steep, footing can be lost and the slide down can begin.


Quoting the article in case it goes into the net netherworlds:

Should Our 4-Year-Old Child Be a Crip or a Baller?


A 19-year-old father was arrested for disorderly conduct, harassment, and domestic violence after an altercation with his girlfriend over which gang their four-year-old toddler should join.

Joseph Manzanares, a member of the Westside Ballers, walked into the Hollywood Video store where his Crip girlfriend worked, threatening to kill her and vandalizing the store. The police were called and the father was later arrested at his home.

"They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" Commerce City Police Sgt Joe Sandoval said. Manzanares pleaded guilty and was sentenced to a year of probation.