A Day of Hearts and Flowers?

No, of course not, well, not exactly. My day consisted of the highs and lows of someone struggling to deal with marital problems while her partner is overseas, depression rearing- or trying to rear it's ugly head and a pile of icy snow.

The morning started out with a foreboding feeling that none of my usual coping techniques helped. I wrote my fears and frustrations out, I tried to imagine them away, thinking, "These are just thoughts and feelings, not reality. They will pass and I will see reality for what it is." Nothing happened until, at 4am, I got back into bed and prayed, "Take this from me. Help me let it go." Only then could I sleep.

Our steps were covered to the door with snow and ice in the morning, a snow day for C. loomed and a day I have never liked- Valentine's Day was the order of the day. We had breakfast, went outside and tried to shovel the walk and driveway. The snow didn't even give under my weight. After almost an hour of shifting snow from one area to another, I looked with envy at my neighbors down the road, four people shoveling the driveway. I looked at my kids playing happily and kept going, wanting to make a safe pathway for them. I just wanted to give up but knew I couldn't. This is what being a single mother feels like, expect there is no time that it ends.

We had lunch, I went for a nap with J. and when we got up, I gave the kids the V-day presents Grandma sent them earlier in the week and the small heart filled with candy from me. Late afternoon, P. IMed me through Gmail and we chatted. Poor guy has been working so many days in a row that he has them confused. We settled a few issues and were able to close feeling closer again. I truly believe we are growing as a couple.

With the day looking up, we went outside for one more try and shoveling that driveway. An hour later (two hours total) and this is all I had (to the right, you can see a tiny bit of the sunset):


At least the sidewalk and steps are safe for the kids. I think I'll get smart and work on it tomorrow when the sun is at its zenith.

Speaking of the sun, I took a break midway through to admire the sunset. The colors were pink and blue with billowy white clouds. In the foreground were beautiful trees, the vibrant color that evergreens excel in showing the world. Small clusters of snow were swirling around, in a winter sunset dance. Soon after, I abandoned the snow shovel and watched the kids play. The snow was covered with such a thick layer of ice that they didn't need sleds to go down the embankment. The video is from earlier in the day, I have another of the evening play session.


We went inside, I prepared dinner and they watched Finding Nemo while I caught up on my reading. At the end, during the credits song, "Somewhere Beyond the Sea" J. came up to me, demanding, "Dan! Dan!" So we danced, twirling and jumping. I held her and spun around as she laughed and I totally felt the hearts and flowers of Valentine's Day.

Then we ate dinner- salmon with green beans. The irony was not lost on C. who exclaimed, "We're eating fish!"

More than anything, this day taught me that hearts and flowers are where you choose to see them.