2 + 2 =

Sometimes the answer is harder to find than the question. I was going through J's old pictures yesterday, reliving her early- well, her first year. Looking at the first family pictures, at 2weeks old, J already had bad baby acne. I remember scheduling the pictures then because I was hoping we'd do it before the acne set in. I read in The Baby Book that early onset of baby acne could be a sign of a milk sensitivity. When I mentioned it to my Kaiser appointed pediatrician, he blew it off. Of course, after my experience with peds and C and this particular ped insisting we owed it to society to risk our newborn by giving her the HepB vaccine, I should have known better than to listen. I shook off the feelings of disquiet and went about the new adventure of being a new mom to two.

Seeing pictures of J when she was oh so chubby, I thought, "I barely remember that stage!" Why? Because J suffered from colic. At night esp, we could never settle her. One thing never worked a second time. I was so sleep deprived that that's when I sank into depression. Not only that, but she got her first ear infection early on. C has not had an ear infection yet (and is past the age where that's a strong possibility). I put it to second baby syndrome. But now, looking back, I recall that is another sign of milk sensitivity.

Through my sleep depravation and depression, I remember discovering a dry patch on her leg. I felt so guilty, thinking, "What kind of care did I take of my baby that she had this and how long and why didn't I notice?" But it wouldn't go away! She now has a permanent patch of skin on her hand that I am 95% sure is eczema. That's...well, you probably already guessed it. Another sign of a milk sensitivity.

I really feel that if I had a pediatrician that had respected my instincts as a mother early on, we might have been able to avoid the worst of the colic, the eczema, the red dots that still show up around her mouth and even some of my depression. Because when I went on Weight Watchers and didn't think dairy was worthy of very many points, suddenly J and I were both happier. She was less fussy at night and I got more sleep. The depression was still there, once one of my bouts starts, it stays unless there are major changes and each one is worse than the last. But the sleep depravation part of it was gone.

Yet another lesson I can't trust it to one medical practitioner to look beyond his nose and I should always do my own research also. Because, sometimes, it is hard to see that 2+2=4.

Healingway part one

I've decided I need a Healingway. What's that you might ask. I'm in the midst of planning a Blessingway for a friend. As I do this, I think about my other friends and their experiences. One that still has so many knots because of her birth experience, one because the dream of a healthy child is gone. Then I thought, if they need a healingway, we could do one for everyone. What would mine be?

Healing from feeling isolated and unworthy of time. It's what first came in mind. So I'm putting that on my plate next. Planning a healingway for those of my friends that are willing to come together, help each other heal and commit part of our spirits to each other.

I believe we do have sort of a communal spirit. Christians call it God- He is infused in all. But whatever you call it, whatever your religion, there is something that connects us. Something that can befoul the energy around us. Something that lifts us up and gives us strength. So why wouldn't we also get together to heal and cleanse each other?

Take a moment to think. If you could gather with a small group of friends, share your pain or confusion or struggles, what would you share? What thing in your life would you most like to heal from?

Exchange Rate for Friends

What are friends worth to you? What do you expect out of them? What do you expect to give to them?

Me, I have always wanted people to feel close to, but so many times I thought I was there and things fell short of my expectations that I just hold back now.

What would be my dream friendship? That I could come to a person in any state of mind and be assured that I am not wasting their time or getting in the way of their life. I suppose that would mean I would be a part of their life. I wouldn't have to hold back about fears, dreams, plans, finances, religion, beliefs and so on. I could say, "I need help." And the friend would say, "You got it."

What could a friend expect from me? The same. To be treated like someone as important to me as family (who, BTW, I also long for a closer relationship with).

Right now, I have quite a few friends. And I am ready to give them what they need to make them stronger and happier if I can. But I still hold back because I am afraid of it all being one sided.

It is you know. I've reached out and said I NEED THIS to certain friends, and have gotten no response. I honestly expected more. So I reached out again, to more people. Response this time, but not anything that helped me continue to hold my head above water.

Part of the reason I agreed to move 2hrs away is because I knew that near or far, they weren't the people I needed to go to for help. Now of course I still need the help I wasn't getting before and have to find a more nearby social circle.

Maybe I just need to be more selective. I am so starved for meaningful interaction it's hard though. I do notice that some of my friends are also getting their needs ignored. That's what prompted me to start this particular rant. In my opinion, when a friend needs you, you drop everything you can to be there. If there's something going on in their lives that is a once in a lifetime thing- you participate. Even if you have other plans. If your plans are once a year type thing- well, still hands down for me. It's once a year, you've got next year.

If a friend suggests ways to get closer, you brainstorm what works. Not harp on what doesn't.

And if a friend calls out and says I need people to talk to, you open those ears and listen.

When I friend says I need a life preserver, you throw them ten.

But, maybe it's just me. Maybe the friends I expect are a dying breed.

Escapism through creating

I've noticed that when the kids are stressing me out, I've been retreating to my craft room to create things. Mostly it's been sewing, but I have other crafts in mind too. Pete was gone for a week and in that time I:
hemmed the curtains (Ikea curtains come long and need to be cut/hemmed)
made myself a skirt
made Chase a pair of Incredibles PJ pants
made a skirt for Jilly
made a sling
decorated a Kozy

I'll try and post pictures of my creations, but right now all I have is the Kozy. Purchased plain from www.kozycarrier.com and decorated by me, this is for the babywearers that like to have a unique carrier to hold their little ones. It'll be for sale at my Etsy shop when I finish the other Kozy project I have in the works.

This one is called "Butterfly Garden" and the pocket is supposed to be the flower pot. It's more even IRL than it looks in the pictures.

I Can't!

I was supposed to go hang out with a friend today, but I can't. I just keep coming up with reasons why I can't leave the house. I'm honestly trying to force myself, but I just can't seem to. J is sick, but that's just part of it. She's acting ok, just a cough.

I am so down, and it is such a habit to be alone I just can't seem to break it. How do you break a habit that's been years in the making when it's easier to remain status quo? How do you punch through that emotional barrier that makes you scared, sad, stressed and angry all at once?

I just don't want to be me anymore, but I don't know how to fix it if I can't even take that first step out of the front door.

This just in...

Babywearing is for creepy weirdos. The only possible reason to babywear is because you are afraid of letting go of them at all.

I've been told that this particular newspaper prides itself on the irreverent sharing of the news. This is par for the course. Maybe. Of the articles I have skimmed, I have yet to see anything this caustic.

I can only conclude that this was written by someone who not only had no understanding of babywearing, but for some reason had deep seated prejudices against parents keeping their children close. Why else would he use such loaded words and phrases like "abusive", "creepy", 'frigging", "eww", "don't cut the cord" and "you can't make this stuff up."

Buh-leeve me, I know there are plenty of other reasons to make fun of babywearing. I'm one of the obsessive ones that loves to collect and sell and trade different carriers. A peek into my mudroom would show more carriers than some would feel is decent.

If all this 'journalist' could think of to make his little blurb interesting was tired stereotypes and sad-but-untrue parallels, maybe he needs to be demoted to proofing classifieds or something. Because witty it ain't.

How to Wear a Baby

Tired of duct-taping your infant to your back? Is Child Welfare breathing down your neck for dragging your toddler around by the hair? Sounds like you need a new way to carry your little brat. But how?! You, abusive parent, are in luck. Reed College is hosting the First International Babywearing Conference, which is basically a less creepy version of what it sounds like. According to the weirdos behind the conference, it is the "first-ever gathering of baby sling and carrier manufacturers, vendors, advocates, educators and parents from around the world." You can't make this stuff up. What the hell is a babywearing advocate? Frigging Reed. Anyway, the event is partially sponsored by babywearing nonprofit Nine In, Nine Out (a.k.a. NINO). The name refers to—you guessed it—uterogestation and exterogestation. Eww. According to NINO, during the first nine months of a baby's life, it needs to be in a cozy, comforting, womb-like environment. Enter babywearing. Yeah, and don't cut the cord till the kid starts school. Reed College, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd., 771-1112. 8 am-5 pm. $85 (low-cost options on Saturday and package deals available). For more information, visit babywearingconference.org.

What would I have written, given the same assignment? I didn't spend a lot of time on it, but here's a sample of something sarcastic without being too insulting, IMVHO.

Watch out PDXers...we're in danger of being invaded! Be on the lookout for two-headed aliens. They're disguising themselves as 'babywearers' that weird group of parents that tie their kids on come hell or high water.Sponsoreded in part by Nine in, Nine out (NINO) and hosted at Reed College, this First International Babywearing Conference might as well drop the facade. We've got your number. Those 'cute' sproglings are really intent on biting ankles and taking over the world, enabled by the disguise of the "first-ever gathering of baby sling and carrier manufacturers, vendors, advocates, educators and parents from around the world."

Second Child Syndrome

Does this happen with every second child? I need persepective.

This keeps coming back to me. More recently because I was looking for something for C and pulled out his baby book and baby box. Shuffling through the cards welcoming him to the world, I couldn't help but get teary eyed thinking what J's box would look like when she wanted to see it years from now. Two cards.

It's not the amount, it's not the gifts, it's the thought that matters, right? But I can't help but think that people just don't celebrate her existence. And it hurts. Even through my depression, I have tried to celebrate with the other mothers I know when a new soul comes into their lives. And I know that they usually do the same. I have seen it.

But that commemerative first year in J's life just seemed to go by unnoticed and uncelebrated for the most part. For the friend or two that looked at her and loved her, it meant so much. I just want to yell about how special she is, how planned, how wanted. She matters just as much as all the other kids that get fawned over.

Maybe this is just a second child thing. And maybe this is just projection. Because I feel like I am the same. In the shadows and forgotten. Only she is light, and people should be able to see her shine.

Coming Out for WBFW

Yup, that's me. First the depression thing, now breastfeeding. It's World Breastfeeding week and I am finding that I need to reclaim my pride in the choices we have made for the family.

Of course, this isn't a huge coming out as not many read my blog. But it's not something I talk about much unless I know the person I am talking to understands.

We're a breastfeeding family. Not just a couple- mom and child- but the entire family. Without Pete's support I wouldn't have nursed past a few weeks.

To cut the six-year long story short, We succeeded. I researched, we continued. Through the terrible twos, through the move to Hawaii, through my pregnany, through the move from Hawaii...even through my labor with Jilliann.

Chase went to 4.5yrs before he weaned. For someone who doesn't know what it's like to nurse a child past a year, the idea of nursing a preschooler might be shocking. Having researched not only the benefits but also traditions and biology pertinent to breastfeeding beyond a year, I felt this was the right choice.

I'm not saying it's all roses and lovingly gazing into each others eyes. There are times I wished I had taken the path of least resistance and formula fed. It's easier to have someone else take that responsibility, easier to substitute yourself with other things and people. But when I thought about it, it really made me feel good to look at my child and know that I had something unique to give him...and now her too.

It's easy to put all the blames of parenting challenges on breastfeeding your toddler and preschooler. And yes, it does present it's own unique issues. Pulling of shirts, calling out for nursies in public places, feeling like a snack machine as your child goes about the daily routine. What's harder is remembering parenting is in and of itself a challenge. It's not for the meek and weak. Taking an easy way out just so you can live as close to your pre-child life as possible is doing a disservice to yourself and your child.

If the thought of nursing a child more than a few months old, or even a year old seems repugnant to you, do yourself a favor. Ask a mom who has been there. Keep an open mind, realize that if extended nursing was so wrong, the American Academy of Pediatrics wouldn't have changed their policy statement and specifically mentioned nursing beyond the age of three. The World Health Orginization wouldn't reccomend nursing at least two years...and speaking of the world, the average weaning age out there is 4yo. We have to ask ourselves what do they know, perhaps instinctually, that we don't. We like to think of the US as the great melting pot. In truth we are an ethnocentric culture that, on the whole, can't even imagine that we might be wrong when our average weaning age is 6mos. Years shorter than much of the rest of the world.

What are we taking from our children that they deserve? What are we withholding from ourselves in the name of 'progress'?