Here we are, in the last weeks of P. being gone and I find them harder than even the first weeks. The kids are great, it's just me. I know what it's going to be like to be together again after three months and then I don't know.
There's a roadblock I can't really put a name to. It's a pitiful roadblock really. If I was at another place in my life I would look at it more as a speed bump. Or rather more like what they had when I was growing up in California, dips. I remember the big yellow signs, cautioning: DIP. Yeah, I can see that in conjunction with this road block. Too bad it's still a roadblock because of how I am feeling right now.
It's leading to my feeling of unrest and uncompleted business. I want to laugh at it, snarl at it, release my bile at it. Anything to get past it. But my hands are tied because I don't exactly know what to do, what I should do even.
I'm tired of crying. I wish I could see the strength in myself that other people say they see in me.
When we were talking about being back together yesterday, P. told me he was looking forward to seeing his best friend again. The smart, funny (if sarcastic), sexy woman he married but sometimes forgot to appreciate for who she is. Only, I didn't recognize that person. A few months ago, I felt so strong. Then how come now, when the waiting is almost over, the answers are in front of me- how come now I am feeling so weak?
Maybe just because I can.
3.09.2007
road blocks, bumps and dips
at 16:09
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4 i wanna add my .02!:
imo the feeling of unrest will get worse the closer you get, it would be like that in the best of circumstances, and your'e getting a 'mixed bag'. Would you be nicer to my friend Bree!? Or you'll get in trouble with me!
Hugs!
awwww :)
My long chat with P. last night really helped, and the icing on the cake was talking to you. Not just the serious stuff, but the silly stuff like font color and skinny cooking wenches ;)
Love ya, I WILL have a good day today and hopefully P. will get to call and listen to the kids singing Happy Birthday. Or I suppose I'll just YouTube it with the rest of their love videos to Daddy :)
Maybe because all the talking/planning is easier than the actual reality...making things work. Maybe you're scared that the DIP is really a great, big hole and you're afraid of getting swallowed back down into that depression. You're getting close to the edge now, and you cannot see clearly yet whether it's going to be something you can cross or something you have to choose another path around altogether.
Remember...feeling weak from time to time is not the same thing as being a weak person. The strength is what looms in the background, always there, but sometimes not always visible. You will find it when you need it.
Love you, Rachel
Rachel- I was feeling good and you made me cry. In a good way though. Thanks for the reminder :D
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