Happy Feet, Sad Mom

With the husband/father person out of town, I decided we deserved a couple of hours off and we set off to the movie theater. Both the kids have been loving the previews for Happy Feet and it looked like something I could enjoy (with the bonus of the Harry Potter trailer in the previews).

It is a very cute movie. I honestly didn't even recognize Hugh Jackman's voice, he did such a good job at being the character "Memphis". Nicole Kidman was back in her Moulin Rouge glory and Robin Williams was...Robin Williams. I think he could have been better (see the Genie in Alladin) but he still added quite a few laughs to the movie. Catchy songs, cute penguins a great initial message: it's ok to be different.

Both kids (6yo and 2yo) were good through it. At one point, J. had happy feet of her own, tip-tapping while the music played. C. just had a happy bum...wiggling because, as he said, "This is loooooooooong."

There came a point where the message wasn't just the quest to find your heart song (whether vocalized or tap-danced) but also about people encroaching on animal habitats. It felt awful to see how we're making an impact, even in Antartica.

There was a point where I thought- how can this end happily? Not only are they teaching us it's ok to be different, but they're lecturing us about our impact on the planet. From that I can see why Steve Irwin was involved (he did the voice for an elephant seal). But it resulted in me leaving the theater filled with guilt. Maybe justified, but not what I expected to feel after a kids movie called Happy Feet.

What might have felt better was to have some solutions included at the end. I waited in vain through the majority of the credits for that- and some sort of dedication to Steve Irwin, but saw nothing. The kids could have distracted me during a crucial second, but overall nothing came of the heavy message.

2 + 2 =

Sometimes the answer is harder to find than the question. I was going through J's old pictures yesterday, reliving her early- well, her first year. Looking at the first family pictures, at 2weeks old, J already had bad baby acne. I remember scheduling the pictures then because I was hoping we'd do it before the acne set in. I read in The Baby Book that early onset of baby acne could be a sign of a milk sensitivity. When I mentioned it to my Kaiser appointed pediatrician, he blew it off. Of course, after my experience with peds and C and this particular ped insisting we owed it to society to risk our newborn by giving her the HepB vaccine, I should have known better than to listen. I shook off the feelings of disquiet and went about the new adventure of being a new mom to two.

Seeing pictures of J when she was oh so chubby, I thought, "I barely remember that stage!" Why? Because J suffered from colic. At night esp, we could never settle her. One thing never worked a second time. I was so sleep deprived that that's when I sank into depression. Not only that, but she got her first ear infection early on. C has not had an ear infection yet (and is past the age where that's a strong possibility). I put it to second baby syndrome. But now, looking back, I recall that is another sign of milk sensitivity.

Through my sleep depravation and depression, I remember discovering a dry patch on her leg. I felt so guilty, thinking, "What kind of care did I take of my baby that she had this and how long and why didn't I notice?" But it wouldn't go away! She now has a permanent patch of skin on her hand that I am 95% sure is eczema. That's...well, you probably already guessed it. Another sign of a milk sensitivity.

I really feel that if I had a pediatrician that had respected my instincts as a mother early on, we might have been able to avoid the worst of the colic, the eczema, the red dots that still show up around her mouth and even some of my depression. Because when I went on Weight Watchers and didn't think dairy was worthy of very many points, suddenly J and I were both happier. She was less fussy at night and I got more sleep. The depression was still there, once one of my bouts starts, it stays unless there are major changes and each one is worse than the last. But the sleep depravation part of it was gone.

Yet another lesson I can't trust it to one medical practitioner to look beyond his nose and I should always do my own research also. Because, sometimes, it is hard to see that 2+2=4.

Second Child Syndrome

Does this happen with every second child? I need persepective.

This keeps coming back to me. More recently because I was looking for something for C and pulled out his baby book and baby box. Shuffling through the cards welcoming him to the world, I couldn't help but get teary eyed thinking what J's box would look like when she wanted to see it years from now. Two cards.

It's not the amount, it's not the gifts, it's the thought that matters, right? But I can't help but think that people just don't celebrate her existence. And it hurts. Even through my depression, I have tried to celebrate with the other mothers I know when a new soul comes into their lives. And I know that they usually do the same. I have seen it.

But that commemerative first year in J's life just seemed to go by unnoticed and uncelebrated for the most part. For the friend or two that looked at her and loved her, it meant so much. I just want to yell about how special she is, how planned, how wanted. She matters just as much as all the other kids that get fawned over.

Maybe this is just a second child thing. And maybe this is just projection. Because I feel like I am the same. In the shadows and forgotten. Only she is light, and people should be able to see her shine.

woohoo

i fixed it- just switched to a new template. now what pearls of wisdom will I drop?I have so many things I think about then I forget in the day to day activities.

celebrity gossip:
did it strike anyone else as a coincidence (slightly ironic) that on Friends, Anniston's character had a vaginal birth w/ a breech baby. And IRL Jolie had a c-section w/ a footling breech (the tv baby was butt first IIRC).

mental status:
I'm almost scared at how hard things are to understand lately. It's like there's just no more room in my brain. I get so stressed out because I can't seem to grasp things like I used to. Like this whole comments thing. HTML- totally threw me. Yet, I have been known to HTML a webpage in the past.

guilt trips:
DH doesn't really want anything to do with his father. He says no regrets, he doesn't want the drama in his life. But he admits if it wasn't for the family, he might not take that step. I can't help but feel guilty because he might one day regret this. Oddly enough I did the same thing with my mom- too much drama, too little attachment. But that was happening before I even graduated high school.

kids:
man, it is hard to be a parent, but how could I love them more? I honestly think they are the best of who I am.

weight:
I beat myself up over it, yet keep on with the eating habits.