This just in...

Babywearing is for creepy weirdos. The only possible reason to babywear is because you are afraid of letting go of them at all.

I've been told that this particular newspaper prides itself on the irreverent sharing of the news. This is par for the course. Maybe. Of the articles I have skimmed, I have yet to see anything this caustic.

I can only conclude that this was written by someone who not only had no understanding of babywearing, but for some reason had deep seated prejudices against parents keeping their children close. Why else would he use such loaded words and phrases like "abusive", "creepy", 'frigging", "eww", "don't cut the cord" and "you can't make this stuff up."

Buh-leeve me, I know there are plenty of other reasons to make fun of babywearing. I'm one of the obsessive ones that loves to collect and sell and trade different carriers. A peek into my mudroom would show more carriers than some would feel is decent.

If all this 'journalist' could think of to make his little blurb interesting was tired stereotypes and sad-but-untrue parallels, maybe he needs to be demoted to proofing classifieds or something. Because witty it ain't.

How to Wear a Baby

Tired of duct-taping your infant to your back? Is Child Welfare breathing down your neck for dragging your toddler around by the hair? Sounds like you need a new way to carry your little brat. But how?! You, abusive parent, are in luck. Reed College is hosting the First International Babywearing Conference, which is basically a less creepy version of what it sounds like. According to the weirdos behind the conference, it is the "first-ever gathering of baby sling and carrier manufacturers, vendors, advocates, educators and parents from around the world." You can't make this stuff up. What the hell is a babywearing advocate? Frigging Reed. Anyway, the event is partially sponsored by babywearing nonprofit Nine In, Nine Out (a.k.a. NINO). The name refers to—you guessed it—uterogestation and exterogestation. Eww. According to NINO, during the first nine months of a baby's life, it needs to be in a cozy, comforting, womb-like environment. Enter babywearing. Yeah, and don't cut the cord till the kid starts school. Reed College, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd., 771-1112. 8 am-5 pm. $85 (low-cost options on Saturday and package deals available). For more information, visit babywearingconference.org.

What would I have written, given the same assignment? I didn't spend a lot of time on it, but here's a sample of something sarcastic without being too insulting, IMVHO.

Watch out PDXers...we're in danger of being invaded! Be on the lookout for two-headed aliens. They're disguising themselves as 'babywearers' that weird group of parents that tie their kids on come hell or high water.Sponsoreded in part by Nine in, Nine out (NINO) and hosted at Reed College, this First International Babywearing Conference might as well drop the facade. We've got your number. Those 'cute' sproglings are really intent on biting ankles and taking over the world, enabled by the disguise of the "first-ever gathering of baby sling and carrier manufacturers, vendors, advocates, educators and parents from around the world."