one step forward, two steps back

Somehow, no matter what steps I try to take to make myself healthier, it seems like I just contribute to staying as I am.

I accept who I am. I don't like it, so I try to change. The problem is the act of change when habits are so deeply ingrained.

Do I purge, letting everything out and wash over me like a tidal wave? Will that release and cleanse me in such a way that I can move on, move past? Or do I find the right building blocks to contain who I was and on the other side of the dam create who I want to be?

To some extent, I have tried both ways, and they haven't worked. I still sometimes hate who I am to my very core. I'm puzzled, how can I look at what has made me, me; know the influences, know the patterns and yet still not fight myself free from them. Devil's snare I suppose- the more you fight it (a bit of a HP movie reference there ;) ). I hesitate to go to someone for help, because the hope hurts worse when they don't help. I have known one person that gave me toold that worked, but mere months later I had to move away.

Right now I have two options of promising churches, and after this weekend I will pick one. Here's hoping it will help, it did once. Meanwhile, I think I will email my old pastor and get some perspective, and unconditional love like my Gram used to give me. That's always a good thing.