Straddling Seasons

I like this new place I am. Obviously, I am not totally thrilled with the situation, but who I am and where I am inside me makes me feel pretty darn good. I have been fighting my way up for so long it's been hard to look around. But after the precipice, I have slowly been awakening to my surroundings.

This morning while walking C. to school, I noticed they are awakening too. Frost on the windows, nipping cold on my nose and ears, yes. But there was also a new flowing of noises. The squirrels are always out, but they seem to scamper more merrily. As if they know their winter diet is nearing an end.

And of course, there's the birds. The sounds of chirping birds filled the air. J. was delighted to point out the plump robin hopping along under the bush next to us.

Yes, spring is coming. A time of hope and rebirth and renewal. That feeling spans time, cultures and religions. It's a feeling that's so primal we all feel it. When I was young, fall was my favorite season. It meant school and less hours at home. I find that the beginning of fall and the beginning of spring have much the same feel. But as I get older, I find I much prefer spring. Although fall still has its attractions, the hope is spring is wonderful to behold.

What's the Flip Side?

So, there's a lot of stress going on in my life right now. The totally amazing part to me is that I am not falling apart like I usually do. Oh, I have my moments. But they are not as low as my lows used to be. I am in total amazement and it honestly feels like a little miracle to me. Where are all the self recriminations? the tangible pain inside?

For instance, yesterday was a low day. Sad thoughts followed me around like a cloud of annoying gnats. They annoyed me, there was some small pain, but they weren't the hornets they would have usually been. after awhile, I realized how those thoughts were affecting my attitude, I was getting short with the kids and not doing the chores that needed to be done. So I said a short prayer and took a deep breath, acknowledging that I needed to let go. And I did. The effect was almost immediate. I was smiling and joking with the kids.

Guys, this feels so good. It's like when I have a migraine and it finally goes away. The non-pain I used to take for granted is such a blessed relief. I can't go back to before. I want to hold onto this forever. I am amazed at the miracle that has taken place in me and intend to hold onto it.

Newness

Growing up, I liked the moving about. I liked seeing new places and meeting new people. Even as shy as I was, I always made a few good friends. But now, moves are harder for me. It takes longer to find where I fit, and when I do and then move, it's that much harder to let go and start over. But my problem is, I have found that it's SO true. You can't go home again.