Seasonal Life

I know, how can you not compare life to seasons? The summer of youth, the winter of old age. It's been done so many times and here comes another comparison.

I always enjoy walking C. to school. Ok, the day it was 6 degrees out, not so much. But we get to watch the world around us gradually change. When school started, we watched the blooms gradually turn to apples and pears. Then the fruit dropped off and disintegrated into the ground. During winter of course, there was nothing happening except the cold nipping at our noses and ears.

Always though, there's the prattle of the kids. J. mainly shouts out things like "Moon!" "Burr!" (bird) and so on. On the way back, she'll have me go over the numbers on the mailboxes over and over. It's like she's trying to solve the mystery her big brother has the key to. C. will talk about whatever comes to his mind. Today it was life cycles. He mainly concentrated on what ate what. So I talked to him about how we're omnivores, look at us with our plant crushing teeth in the back and our scissor-like meat cutting teeth in the front. C. gasped at the pure simplicity of that, as though it was amazing that our bodies are built specific ways to do specific things, even our teeth. Well, it is, but as we get older we tend to forget. We talked about cows being herbivores and all of their teeth are flat crushers. The carnivore shark has only sharp teeth for ripping. I just loved seeing his wonder as we talked over these concepts and a little more of the world made sense. Right now, he knows only joy really. According to his teachers maybe too much, he's so happy he has a hard time reigning it in; his Sunday school teacher loves it. His regular teacher enjoys it too, but I can tell it's more wearing.

So while I see the 'seasons of life' aren't affecting him yet, something he said got me to thinking about how we see life in seasons. Right now I will stick with winter and spring.

Walking along this winter, there were only the crows really. Their ca-caws weren't frequent, but when they did sound out, it can be jarring and unpleasant. Even their glossy black feathers look foreboding in the spare landscape of winter. Now that spring is blooming into the world around us, the songs of birds fill the air. I don't know about you, but I forget those sounds are missing until they come back. There's still the occasional bossy crow, but also so many joyful birds to balance it out.

Life is like that. When you are feeling bare and empty, the only thing you remember is the grating sound of the crows. Suddenly, your entire life seems bad. It's all you can remember. At least, that's the way it is for me. I know it is for other people. It can happen personally (it's all about me, I am awful), or with a relationship (it's all about us, we are awful together). I suppose even projected on a particular person. Of course, the truth is, nothing is ever all bad. Just when you are feeling winter, it sure feels like it. One book that is often recommended for those of us living in a winter state of mind is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. The author helps you recognize your thinking habits and attitudes and how to gradually change them.

When you get to that point, with or without the book, you suddenly hear what we heard this morning on the walk to school. The singing of many different songs. Sometimes it all blends into the background, sometimes one twitter stands out more than the other. When you hear the annoying ca-caw, it is just part of the entire picture, instead of taking it over. And maybe, if you're lucky like me, you can also listen to the prattle of a little voice talking about birds eating worms and some animals eat leaves and fruit and vegetables and...

And you hold that small hand tighter, smile to yourself and tune out all songs but that one.

What's the Flip Side?

So, there's a lot of stress going on in my life right now. The totally amazing part to me is that I am not falling apart like I usually do. Oh, I have my moments. But they are not as low as my lows used to be. I am in total amazement and it honestly feels like a little miracle to me. Where are all the self recriminations? the tangible pain inside?

For instance, yesterday was a low day. Sad thoughts followed me around like a cloud of annoying gnats. They annoyed me, there was some small pain, but they weren't the hornets they would have usually been. after awhile, I realized how those thoughts were affecting my attitude, I was getting short with the kids and not doing the chores that needed to be done. So I said a short prayer and took a deep breath, acknowledging that I needed to let go. And I did. The effect was almost immediate. I was smiling and joking with the kids.

Guys, this feels so good. It's like when I have a migraine and it finally goes away. The non-pain I used to take for granted is such a blessed relief. I can't go back to before. I want to hold onto this forever. I am amazed at the miracle that has taken place in me and intend to hold onto it.

Who I was, Who I am and Who I Want to be (Part Four)

I look at the women in my life, past and present, to discover who I want to be.

I want to be like my Gram, who had so much affection in her marriage, even as her life faded from her, her love for Boompa was still strong. She saw who I really am and still loved me. I still hold her unconditional love to my heart. Her life was sometimes the only thing that kept me alive and her death nearly broke me. Knowing that she saw the reality that I lacked a childhood still touches me to no end. She loved me enough to notice, even living thousands of miles away for much of my life.

I want to be like my third grade teacher (well, one of them, the second one I had after moving to Alaska). Her self confidence and strength were uplifting.

I want to be part of a close-knit family like my close high school friend, B. It could be frustrating, but she knew there was always someone there for her. I want to be interesting and have many topics I can talk about like my friends C. and I. They are women who have lived, who are intelligent and witty and not afraid to be themselves.

I want to be a patient mother like J. and R. Also, R. is just so accepting of who her children are, and works with them at their need levels. She also has the patience and fun attitude that I admire in G.

I want to be confident as a wife and businesswoman and mother like K. She knows what in her life works.

I want my faith to shine through me like T's does. She is the embodiment of what a Christian is to me. She lives the Word and holds it close to her heart. S. is striving for that too, and I just admire her so much for finding a resting place in her life and letting go of the torment of a sad childhood, so much more than I have ever been able to.

I want to be like M. She can be negative (er...a realist), but has such a zest for life that it more than makes up for negative spells. Of all the people I have met, she comes closest to reaching back to me. To just accepting me as I am.

I want a marriage with steady companionship like C., she's married to her high school love and it has not faded with time. I want a marriage like I's, who found the strength to leave an abusive husband, even with two children. And then found even more strength and loved herself enough that when a good man came along, she was able to accept that she deserved love and joy. I want a marriage like M. She can talk to her spouse about anything and not be judged. When they are feeling weak, they lean on each other and grow stronger.

I want to deserve love- and know that I deserve it. I want to stop hating myself, my very being. I want to one day celebrate the day I was born and mean it. I want someone else to celebrate my life and mean it.

I want to create. I want the confidence to put myself out there. I want to know what I want to do when I grow up. I want to find my bliss, instead of just taking the safe path. I want to go to my death knowing that I have found as much joy as I could. I want to wash away my regrets, or at least have fewer in my future. I want my children to look back at any point in their lives and think, "I really liked my childhood."

Gotta Love Dove!

http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/3421/

There are more and more "the man behind the curtain" sites these days, but I think this video from Dove really makes it real, esp. for the younger crowd. What got me is the photo editing of an already beautiful woman.

I shudder to think that my daughter will grow up in a world that compares her to these hybrid cyber-models. I can only hope the pendulum is swinging the other way- and soon.

Other before/after sites:
http://www.fluideffect.com/ (Select potfolio and then before and after)
http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/bikini/bikini1.html
http://demo.fb.se/e/girlpower/