There's a bit of St. George in me- and in you too...

So often, my posts about depression have been whining. It takes control of me, and it's easier to let it than to fight it.

You're about to read a very personal confession (yeah- I hold back in my other writings, right?). I hope it helps or gives a ray of light to someone. During one of my evenings of pain, I came across this site. Please share it with anyone you think needs it. I apologize in advance for the mixed metaphors.

Think of depression as a dragon. Traditionally dragons have to be conquered and vanquished. Reading the myths from other cultures and some fantasy novels, they can also be tamed and even companions.

My realization about my chronic depression is that I cannot vanquish my depression totally. But I can tame it. If it touches you, you can too. It may not feel like it now. But at some point you will come to a precipice. You will look down into bottomless pain, or look across and see the edge of hope through the misty distance. I have been near that precipice many times over my life. I have nearly jumped a half a dozen times, but I was not close enough yet to go over the edge.

One day, about a month ago, as I was reeling from a painful experience, I cried alone in the bathroom. It was the hour of the night where you're not certain if it was night or morning. I should have been asleep, preparing for my always challenging day of being a SAHM. But instead I was awake, intense sorrow as my only company. As I wailed soundlessly- a truly horrible sound if you've ever felt it in your heart, I tried to beat the pain out of myself. I had found that if I position my knuckles just right and hit in the right spot on my breastbone, I could cause enough pain to make myself forget just a bit of the pain on the inside. I was tormented, yet trying to keep quiet so my family would not be disturbed. At that point, I truly believed for the first time in Satan.

I don't know what got me to that point. I can't even remember fully why I was so devastated. I have had worse incidents in my life. But there was something about that precipice, that time. After that, I began seeking help. Each time before I had sought out one aspect: faith, therapy, medication. I slowly began gathering all my tools. For me, faith has been a wonderful first stop. It has given me somewhere to turn even when I am alone. Next I sought out therapy. I am still seeking someone to see regularly, but the people I have turned to in the meantime have been invaluable in affirming that not only can I be helped, I deserve to be helped. My next step is the medication. I am hesitant on this one, but I see it as the safety net if the other two become weakened for some reason. When you have a dangerous dragon lunging at you, you need all the possible measures you can take in place.

I have been almost totally honest about my depression in past posts. I have only touched some of the deepest, most shameful aspects for me, but there are there. The intense self hatred, the desire to commit suicide but feeling too scared or loving my children too much to even think of what their lives would be like with the thoughts of what I did and me not there to answer their questions. The wanting to cause myself outward pain in order to reduce the intensity of the inward pain.

Because of how intense this ride has been, it makes this part of it all the more miraculous to me. Two months ago, I would not have been able to see the hope through the distance and the mist. But somehow, getting close enough to the precipice that I could finally jump also allowed me to get close enough to see hope. I am building the bridge as I go. I have confidence that while the going may be terrifically hard and excruciatingly slow, by the time I get to the other side, I will have the tools and strength to tame the dragon of depression if a complete vanquishment is not possible.

Have faith in something. If not in yourself, in something outside of you. It will bring you strength, hope, commitment and maybe one day deliver you from depression.