Relapse

I'm writing this because the purpose of the blog is to share the truth of struggling with depression. It's hard for me to deal with this still.

I had a relapse early in the week. I suppose there's irony there because I had just been to a therapy session and we decided that it was ok we couldn't find a two week appointment to fit into both schedules, this time a month would be fine. I could call if there was some emergency. Mr. C. told me I was dealing very well and the only unhealthy thing he saw was the usual- beating myself up over every mistake. Then towards the end of the session, P. called me.

I called him back as I was walking out, he totally floored me by being angry over something I had told him about months ago. Given our current situation, I understand, but the strength of the anger floored me. First, I felt crushed because I had talked to him about it months ago. Then I was angry, then I started to feel guilty. I must have really screwed up for this anger and yelling, right?

I was home before the situation was settled.

My initial reaction was actually the new me- calm and trying to deal with the crisis. No change. Then I got angry, again no change. Then that guilt started in and I accepted all the words he was saying about me. Here's where my relapse came in. Instead of my new attitude of dealing with pain through my 'moment by moment' attitude, through prayer and breathing, I started the old tapes again. This will always be like this, I will always be in pain. My body went into flight mode, but P. insisted I stay. I just sat on the floor and cried, ready to accept anything he said. Around this time he began to soften. His normal behaviors changed. He told me he had intended to handle this calmly, but for some reason just didn't. P. said he over reacted and I really hadn't done anything wrong. He apologized and said everything right.

The problem is, by that time the old tapes were already re-playing: Bree, you are such a fuck-up, you never do anything right, you bring this pain on yourself and you will always feel this pain.

How did I handle it different? This time, I told P. what I was feeling instead of drawing into myself. I told him my body wanted me to run and because of the pain, I was believing all these bad things about myself and I might as well commit suicide. I did not do this as a guilt trip. I did it because for so long I have held my inner self, feeling it was too intense. P. held me and comforted me. He apologized for being the one to bring me to this relapse. He told me how proud he has been of me, how well I am doing. How I am changed. Well, not really changed, but back to the sassy woman I used to be.

I asked him if he thought I should make an appointment with a provider I recently found who might be able to put me on anti-depressants. P. said to hold off, I had been doing so well and been so strong, let's see how I deal with this first.

And I am dealing. Those self-hating thoughts are coming back now and then, but their power isn't so intense. It helps to have someone to reach out to...and have him reach back and gather me in his arms.