The nature of God?

A good friend recently remarked to me that she was surprised to hear me speaking so much from the Christian perspective (and I have lately). She thought of me as more the pagan-mother-earth-goddess type (M- correct me if I put this wrong ;) ).

I am surprised too, to be honest. I have long felt that there's a definite feminine spirit out there, and I can totally believe in spirits within trees and the forest and just breathing in and out the life around us.

But what has worked for me, always, at my worst was turning to God. Most recently, learning to let go. I suppose it could all be an illusion, but it's working and that's what matters. If my faith turns out to be an illusion, well, more benign things have hurt me worse that the feeling of peace through prayer.

I've been reading more theology lately, and I read somewhere (probably in CS Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, but don't quote me on this) that we often think we 'know' who and what God is. We don't. We are mere humans, we have limited knowledge and words. We can only imagine what we know. Everything we imagine is based off of something that's already been there.

So perhaps God is more than even the Bible says. Perhaps there is a feminine form to God that history has erased. Perhaps the spirit pulsing through the world around us is of one being, but one being of so many shades of colors, depths and complexities that to look upon it and to know it fully would be our undoing. Perhaps we need to compartmentalize what can't be.

I do know that, for right now, I need to have faith in God. So it's there. I need to believe that I am lovable, so I believe that Jesus died, even for me; so how am I to denigrate that sacrifice? But I can also believe that I, as a mere human, can never know the true nature of God, so I withhold my judgments on which faith is right or wrong. It is not to me to choose for God.