a la peanut butter sandwiches

I wish I could just do that and take care of things. I am so tired of the day in day out taking care of other people- other people who seem bent on undoing everything I accomplish.

Never a clean house
Never a full nights sleep
Never a request listened to
Never alone

It's the last one that gets to me. I'm never alone yet usually lonely. I don't have whatever connections I need to feel complete. And yes, this is a bad day. It's worse because there have been so many good days lately. But I am so tired and feel so behind. I don't get at all why I can't do what the other moms can. What is lacking in me that doesn't desire to spend more time just entertaining these hairless monkeys?

Not to mention I start a thousand diets a day, only to 'reward' myself with a treat for being patient, or to swallow food when I am frustrated. I want to be beautiful inside and out, but I feel like neither.

I have dreams of homeschooling, living an environmentally friendly life, being able to invite people in without having to shove things in corners, bedtimes, alone times, just feeling for once I am caught up and it will stay that way for a day. Instead, I just feel stuck.