life is odd sometimes and so are my thoughts

utterly boring: the quirky things that try to make life interesting

in one week of walking to school to pick up my son, i saw a few odd sights.

first, the dead squirrel wearing mardi gras beads made me pause for a moment and contimplate life.
was this just a random dead squirrel roadkill and random beads tossed from a car window? did someone deliberately deck the stiff squirrel out in party beads? or did mr. chipper have one to many highballs and go nuts?

the next day i was walking, enjoying the spring weather and i stopped short at the sight of a dead fish on the road. it looked kind of like a silver dollar gorami. no signs of injuries or aquariums nearby. before i could even begin to speculate about transporter accidents and a fish superrace, i spotted another one just like the first. guess they ddin't find nemo.

i can't remember much about the third quirky road incident. something about a rabbit showing his tail.

first of my 'outing myself ' w/ depression

Posted to the MDC BBS and I want to (eventually) share with my friends so they can 'get me'

I have started a post here I don't know how many times. This is the only place I can think of to find others who have not only BTDT, but are knowledgable about alternatives.

My intro. I used to post here, mainly in the HI section of finding your tribe...somehow all my posts got wiped. Sorry for how long this turned out.I've been diagnosed with ongoing clinical depression (I think that's the phrase she used). I think I might sound too factual, but this is how I have learned to deal with things.

It just feels like I've been sad my entire life. I can remember being a child and learning a/b suicide and thinking...hey, not an awful idea.The thing is, I have this pattern of self hate. I look at the problems in my life and think, "Oh, but others have it SO much worse!" When I can't handle something, I lose respect for myself.

My father admits I was the 'pariah' child of the 'original three' kids. I got spanked much more than the others. When my parents got divorced, my mom actually requested to split us kids up, and send me with Dad. That didn't happen until I requested it a couple of years later.

Of course by that time Dad had mostly straightened up. Urged by mom, he had been the disciplinarian. He also spent a lot of spare time at the AmVets bar. I have quite a few childhood memories from there.

Moving in with my Dad and stepmom was good- at first. She took to this love/hate thing wih me. Jealous at times because I loved my dad more, she'd also go out of her way to do sweet things for me like make a dress or write long notes about what a great kid I am. Punctuated by fights where she elled out how lazy (or whatever complaint- but that was the most used) I was.

I was a military brat, so while I did establish close friendships, it was hard to hold onto them.

Long story short (too late you say?) I ended up in college, working through and paying for it myself. Had an abusive relationship (hard to call it abusive since other women got really hurt compared to me, KWIM? Married at 20, lots of ups and downs there, but we just celebrated our 12th anniversary.

I have two kids, a 5.5yo DS and a 17mo DD. I really do love them so much. I stumbled onto AP because it's what felt right and researching into if it was 'ok' to co-sleep I found so much other info out there that validated m feelings. It was a blessing, because I was so scared of being like my mom, unattached (my senior year in HS she sent me a letter claiming, among other things, I rejected her because I 'chose' not to BF as an infant). BFing started that bond with my son, AP carried it on.

The more I learn about the effects of depression, the more I see the thread throughout my life. I feel like the laziness was really the futility I feel. Withdrawing into myself- my stepmom used to say you could see a wall go up over my emotions. I feel like I've been barely holding on for such a long time and now everything is slipping through my fingers.

I don't even know how long ago (7...8mos?) DH took the initiative to get me help. I was immediately put on Prozac (10mgs, going gradually up to 40mgs). It has helped, I am now only occasionally suicidal. I was totally against meds, but I needed them and my family needed me to have them. My therapist agrees I need something else, but as long as it's patching things up and DD (still nursing) isn't showing any problems, we're both leery of a switch.

I look at all the people I admire, who can somehow hold their lives together and I want to be them. I want to be the mama who has more fun with her kids. That's something I can say the meds did- I don't lose it as much. I want to be the teacher, the artist, the fun facilitator, the knowledgable guide through the path of life. I want to feed them healthy for their bodies and treat them gently and guide them wisely into their lives. But I can't even bring myself to cook dinner most days.

I have a great playgroup. They are all different levels of AP, so they get me. But I know we all have our lives and issues and I absolutely hate to infringe on anyone asking for help. I even feel guilty right now because I'm typing this long post about myself someone will be reading.

DH tries to understand, but he doesn't get why I can't just make up my mind to 'be happy'. I tell you, we are like poster children for detached and atached parenting. I was the spanked, CIO kid. He was the gently disciplined, sometimes co-sleeping kid. It's like he knows what unconditional love is and how to give it and I don't. I feel like I'm always doubting others (how could they love me- if they really knew me, they wouldn't) and of course hating myself. So I withdraw.

I could go on forever. DH says I think too much, but I am really trying to figure myself out and fix myself.

So thanks for reading this far (really and truly...it means so much to me). If you have any advice on how to pull myself together I'd be grateful. Any information about other meds that might help while still keeping DD healthy. Any alternative treatments (I'm going to try the Feingold diet for DS and myself). Just anything that will help me be a better mom, wife, friend, person...to actually like myself. I'd be forever grateful.

PB&J's Birth Story

The Beginning
I had a scheduled midwife appointment on Tuesday, the 21st of September. They were only allowed to let me go two weeks past due and this was my one week past appointment. We were going to discuss what natural ways we could try to get labor jump started. DH was of the opinion I was in labor the whole time and just didn’t realize it and the baby would be born by the end of the day. He was wrong, sort of. I knew I had been having contractions, and when we did the non-stress test, it showed quite a few contractions. The midwife checked dilation and did a “stretch and sweep” and applied evening primrose oil. During the exam, I went from barely two cms to three.

We went home planning on walking a lot and seeing if that jump started anything. Between 1230pm and 130pm, all of my contractions were within five minutes of each other but nothing too much to take notice of, although they did get stronger. I called the birth center and the midwife told us to come on in. We were back there by 230 and when I was checked at three by my regular midwife (she wanted to see if she should stay or go to a scheduled meeting) I was four cms.

We took a walk through townfor a couple of hours, stopping by DH’s favorite deli and getting an early dinner and window shopping. We got back to the birth center and my contractions were frequent but easy to handle. I tried the birth ball, then stayed in the tub for a little more than an hour. The Jacuzzi was being used by another woman so I had to make do with the deep tub.


The Second Beginning
I had expected my body to push like what happened with DS, but instead I pushed through the pain. I wanted it to be over with. A few pushes and they held the mirror up for me to see her head, a couple more and I felt this searing pain that made me jump and cry out. They assured me that it was just her head, we found out later that I had torn one of my inner (minor) labia. I think that’s what it’s called. While I waited for another contraction, they urged me to push her body out. DH said later that she was turning blue, even though there was no cord wrapped around her neck. That’s why they urged me to hurry up. One more big push and she was out, riding a gush of water according to DH. In the rush, we forgot we wanted him to catch her, but he said he touched her as she came out, and besides, he was scared of trying to catch such a tiny slippery person. Then she was on my chest and being rubbed dry. I held her while they rubbed her and assessed her, touching the cord and looking at her, trying to get her to look at me. But she squeezed her eyes shut, as if pretending that she was still inside. After the cord stopped pulsing, they clamped it off and DH cut it. I nursed our little daughter, who started right off like a champ.

After a few hours and being checked over, eating and making sure all was well, we went home. We decided to leave DS at my friends, not wanting to get them up in the middle of the night. The next morning, DH went to pick him up as soon as everyone was awake and C got to meet his little sister. The love and awe you could see in his face was magic. Thankfully, we have pictures.

So that’s the story of our daughter, born at 1:25 am on September 22nd. She weighed 8lbs, 8oz and was 21ins.

Mom-to-Mom Answers

What?
There's a book that was put out before, called the Mom-to-Mom Guide to the Baby Years. It involved a series of surveys that were compiled into a book. I'm ashamed to say, I made it into the book. Ashamed because my most doofus answers were in that book.

They've created another one and this time around it's going to be actually distributed in bookstores. If it's like the first, I wouldn't put my $15.95 down for it.

But this time, I did my best to have more complete answers. Before I had been under the impression that there would be some clarification process.




Here they are!
1) Is there any way for an expectant mom to prepare for nursing in order to relieve any potential soreness she might feel? Did you do this and did it work for you?

You can check and see if you have flat or inverted nipples. If that's the case, you can wear shells prior to birth to draw them out. Otherwise, most cases of nipple soreness aren't because the nipples aren't "tough" enough, but can be attributed to bad latch or postioning.

I'd highly reccomend reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding published by La Leche League (or any other good breastfeeding book reccomended by a lactation consultant such as Dr. Sear's The Breastfeeding Book). Breastfeeding is one of those things you learn by example, so the best way to prepare is to talk to people who have been there. Just like with pregnancy chats, try to make sure those you talk to are mainly positive!


2) What is the best way to cope with sore nipples from nursing?

I found that a good lanolin like Lanisoh worked wonders for my occasional soreness. the other thing that corrected most soreness is to make sure I was holding baby in the correct position (tummy to tummy) and the latch was good (not just sucking on the tip of the nipple.)


3) What essential tips can you share with new moms who are having trouble nursing?

Find support. Many people are leery of La Leche League, but I found that their extreme reputation is unwarranted. The women in my group were just like me. If you're cautious about going to a meeting right off, you can call a local leader (find one at www.lalecheleague.org or 1-800-LALECHE)

Make sure you let your family know that you need their support. You don't want to hear about giving up. Give away those formula samples.

If you make it through the first 8 weeks, it's generally smooth sailing after that!


4) What products were "must haves" to make nursing easier/more comfortable?

To begin with all I needed was a good chair and a nursing pillow. I loved the My Brest Friend pillow because it had a strap to velcro around my waist and a pocket for the phone or whatever. That wasn't too great at night though (before I learned to nurse lying down!) because the velcro was so loud coming off. In that case, a Boppy was good. A nursing pillow is like training wheels. It helps you get used to holding baby up in a good latch position.


5) What is your favorite bottle (brand and type) and what makes it your favorite?

I liked the Advent bottles. But it really doesn't matter what mom likes, baby will make up it's own mind. So I'd say try not to buy to many bottlles until you know what works. Also keep in mind that bottles can contribute to nipple confusion (nipple preference it's also called). You don't have to use bottles. There are soft spout sippy cups (take out the no-spill device), bendable cups and even syringes (no needles of course!) that drip milk into baby's mouth instead of teaching them a lazy suck like bottles do. These can be used with infants of all ages.

1) What is your favorite place to get baby pictures taken and why?

I liked Picture People because generally I could find someone who was really good with my child. There are cute props there, but they also know how to highlight your child, instead of some character background or something.

I don't like that almost no national portrait place will take even discreet nursing pictures. It's a beautiful time in our lives and it would be nice if mothers can document it in a beautiful way.

2) What is your favorite way to preserve memories from the baby years (i.e., baby book, time capsule, bronzing shoes, etc.) Why do you prefer this method?

I've gotten into Creative Memories. What I learned from my consultant is to scrapbook simply to make sure it's done and to journal! We want to know the stories behind the pictures.

One tip-besides your regular camera, keep a disposable one in the baby bag. For those "I wish I had a camera" moments.

3) If you know how to make scrapbooks, what is an easy way for a novice to get started and what products/tips or strategies can you recommend for a beginner? Why do you recommend them?

I'd say talk to a Creative Memories consultant. These people are scrapbookers themselves and can help tailor what you need and can afford to get started with. They can give you tips on how to start and get caught up. Many of them offer workshops or scrapbooking times when you can go to their place and scrapbook in peace with extra supplies at your fingertips.

4) What products (camcorders, digital cameras, software tools) can you recommend for moms who want an easy way to capture everyday memories of their kids? Please be specific with brands, etc. and tell me why you prefer this one.

We love our Casio digital camera. It's small so we can take it anywhere. It takes a universal card that also fits into my PDA so I can look at pictures there. It also take mini-movies (ours our soundless but I understand some you can record sounds too). And it cost around $200. We can take all the pictures we want!

1. What is the best way to soothe a colicky baby?
I can't say.

2. What tips can you share for relieving constipation in babies?

I can't say. Exclusively breastfed babies rarely get constipated.

3. What tips can you share for coaxing a burp out of a gassy baby?

Hold the baby sitting up on your lap, tummy against your forearm. With the other hand rotate your figertips up baby's spine in a firm, circular massaging motion. Repeat as needed.

4. How do you make bath time with a newborn easier and more fun?

Have everything ready. Make it quick, washing head to toe. You can also get in the bath with baby resting on your legs. Skin to skin contact is great for newborns.

1. What are your favorite, most creative ways to save money on baby products, gear, clothing, food and household essentials?

Baby gear- All I really used was the carseat and a sling. Babies are so simple, all they really want is your arms.
Clothing- I hit the sales, bought ahead for the next season. Checked out consignment shops.
Food- I use less prepackaged foods.
There's a great book called Tiptionary that helps you know how to save on household stuff and more.


2. Have you started a college fund yet? If so, what type(s) of fund, plan or investment vehicle did you choose? Why?

We've just started a savings account until we have more ready cash for other investments. Some friends and family have gotten savings bonds.

3. What web sites can you recommend to new moms to help them save money on baby and household purchases and why?

Ebay. You can decide how much you're willing to pay. You can find just about anything.

4. How do you save money on child care or babysitting?

I stay at home. Our playgroup created a babysitting co-op. We all started out with a certain amount of hour and half hour poker chips and paid each other with those. That way our children were with someone they knew- and had the bonus of having a child they knew to play with.

1. What are your favorite sources (stores, catalogs, web sites) for baby furniture, bedding, window treatments and decorative accessories? Please be specific, and tell me why you like them.

I made most of the decorations, curtains are simple. As for the rest, we ended up co-sleeping so it's a moot question. Ask me about the rewards of being close together at night and I can talk your ear off!

2. What furniture, bedding and accessory pieces are "must haves" for a new baby's room? Why?

Start simple, you need to see how it actually is with baby instead of how your expect it to be. Maybe a comfortable chair for nursing anda convertable crib (if you must have one). A dresser that can double as a changing table and maybe a small bookcase for toys and books.


3. What ideas can you share for saving money on baby furniture, bedding, and other nursery essentials? If you have specific stores, catalogs and web sites you used, please share them and tell me what you loved about them.

Use furniture that has a double purpose, such as a low dresser for a changing table. Furniture that grows with the child, such as a convertable crib is also great.


4. Do you recommend a new mom buy a rocking chair for the baby's room? If so, what kind (brand and type) do you recommend and why?

I loved mine, but keep in mind it takes up more room to rock. Also an active baby can get fingers smooshed. It's one of those things that feels right or doesn't, there is no one answer.

5. What is your favorite brand of crib and why?

I couldn't say brand, but type: convertible. It grows with your child, and if you decide to co-sleep (or baby decides to co-sleep)! you can take one side off and fasten it to the side of your bed for a spot to keep baby nearby and safe.

1. What are the best, easiest or most creative ways you've heard of to announce a baby's birth? What makes them so wonderful?

Having family far away, I love the websites like www.growthspurts.com or www.babiesonline.com
I also liked one idea a family I knew did. They used fabric paint to write the stats on a onsie then took a picture of the baby in it and sent it out. It seemed so much more personal.


2. Can you recommend a favorite catalog, web site or store for baby announcements? Please specify and tell me what makes it your favorite.

I designed my own in the fashion of a movie premier. Print Shop is pretty great, but there are so many desktop publishing options available now that even parents who would normally have to use generic announcements can now personalize for not much more.


3. What advice/tips can you offer new moms for getting thank-you notes for baby gifts done easily and quickly?

Do what you can ahead of time. Address and stamp envelopes, write part of a note (We're so glad to have you to share our joy with...).

4. What secrets can you share for making the planning of a baptism, bris, baby naming or christening as stress-free (for the mom) as possible?

Get what you can in place beforehand. Delegate what can't be done before baby is born to others. After all, you're a new mom and when baby is born, it's time to relax and enjoy that babymoon!

1) New moms have to deal with unsolicited advice, unwelcome visits and pressures about their choices, from breastfeeding (or not) to sleeping, burping and everything in between.
What was the biggest problem that came up for you as a new mom in dealing with relatives? And what advice can you offer new moms who are going through similar challenges right now?

Generally we avoided problems by not discussing our parenting choices (which are somewhat alternative). For example, if they asked how he was sleeping at night, we'd just say fine. He was sleeping fine- for a baby, not for what others expected.

For new moms I'd say adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Keep it social unless you're discussing with someone you know will understand. If someone decides to be intrusive and you can't avoid it, then ask them "Why do you want to know?"

You can joke it off, you can blow it off, you can handle it however the situation merits. But remember that it doesn't matter what others think you are doing right or wrong, only what is working for your child.

2) How can a new mom set limits with well-meaning relatives who drive her crazy? What words can she use?

There's not one thing that works for all situations. In general I'd say "I have made informed choices that I am happy with and so is my child. They're not up for discussion." I often have information to back myself up if needed. Or interesting facts to distract them.


3) What advice can you offer new moms about having relatives visit the hospital, either during or after delivery? Did you have visitors? Did you like it or would you have preferred they stay home? How can a new mom communicate her wishes to relatives beforehand?

Set the limits. You're the parent and don't feel like you have to bend for others in this tender period of your life with a new infant.

We had no visitors in the hospital. We had offers to come and stay to help for a few weeks, but I refused. We wanted to enjoy our babymoon as a family. My husband did really well taking care of me for the first week he had off.

I simply said, "We're looking forward to spending time together alone as a family for the first few weeks. You're welcome to come for a day, but remember, we are getting used to being a mom and dad with a baby and need to work it out on our own."

1) Think about the qualities you looked for when buying your first stroller. For example, perhaps you wanted it to be able to accommodate an infant carrier or be lightweight, have a big basket or a cup-holder for you. Which qualities would you recommend a new mom look for when shopping for a first stroller?

We barely used our large stroller. Once I got the hang of the sling, both of us were much happier. Slings have the added advantage that people out in public will be less likely to get in baby's face and touch. Unpadded slings can be put with baby in a carseat so they can be lifted out and carried without being woken up.

We got the most use from our umbrella stroller. I made sure to look for one that reclines a bit. There are some neat strollers out now that seem to be hybrids. Lightweight and compact like umbrella strollers, but still have reclining and baskets to hold your stuff.


2) What brand of stroller do you recommend? (Note: If you're recommending a snap 'n go, please note that there are two brands: The Snap 'N Go by Swan Infant Products and the Universal Carrier by Kolcraft). You may like more than one brand (after all, many moms do end up with more than one stroller), but please choose the brand you'd recommend for a first stroller only, and tell us WHY you'd recommend it.


3. What features/qualities should a new mom look for in a first car seat (for a newborn)?

Safety. Do some research, ask other people how their carseat is working. Most stores will let you try the carseat out in your car. Make sure if you get a convertible it reclines enough for a tiny newborn. Remember that there are often height as well as weight restrictions. My son was out of his bucket carseat height-wise byfive months, even if he could still be in it according to the weight standards.


4. What brand of car seat do you recommend to new moms for a first car seat? Why do you recommend it?

Britax. It has excellent safety records and is very comfortable for the child. They are more costly than some carseats, but you can choose one which will last for more than a year.

1. What products are on your list of "must haves" for new moms? Why do you recommend them?

A sling. If you find a good sling, you can use it for years. I know some moms that still use theirs occasionaly with their 4 year olds. You can go from cradle hold to back carry positions and everything in between. I can't tell you how often I have been stopped and asked where to get one, or older ladies saying they wish they had one when their kids were young.

An unpadded one is great, such as the Maya Wrap or Taylor Made Treasure (www.mayawrap.com or www.taylormadetreasure.com )

Cloth diapers are fun now. Believe it or not, the moms that I know that cloth diaper love it. No pins needed and the prints are absolutely adorable! There are limitless choices out there. And you can be assured that for an extra load or two of laundry a week, you are not only keeping those chemicals from your infants bottom, but you are reducing what goes into landfills.

Besides those things and clothes, all my baby needed was a breast to nurse from and arms to be held in, and I already have that.

2. What products would you recommend a new mom avoid (i.e., they weren't worth the money)? Why?

One of those SUV type strollers. They are just a hassle. Anything that substitues for the arms and love of a parent for too long, because it's all right to hold your baby; that's what they need.


3. What is your favorite brand of baby clothes and why?

We just hit what was on sale. No brand loyalty here. Target has great baby clothes, made under the Carter name.

4. Where is your favorite place to get baby products and gear? Why do you recommend it?

Target and Ikea. Between those two places there is such a variety and the prices are reasonable.


5. Where would you recommend a new mom register for baby products, bedding, clothes and/or gear?

My first choice would be to ask for gift certificates so you can see what you actually need once the baby is here. For stuff you know you will need, like clothes register at a store that has a selection you like.

6. What is your favorite brand and model of high chair? Why?

It's hard to find now, but there was a highchair that converted to a small chair and a table. It's great because it will take forever for a child to grow out of.


7. What is your favorite brand and type of bottle? Why do you recommend it?



8. What is the one baby product you wish someone would invent?

I think there should be fewer baby gadgets. All of these products aren't for the babies, but parents instead. To make their lives easier or to follow what society says a baby needs. Babies don't read the parenting books. Babies are simple creatures who just need love, food and security. As parents, we come equipped with those.

1. What tips or tricks can you share with new moms about getting a shower? Remember, we're talking about new moms, here. Remember when you felt so overwhelmed, you couldn't remember if you brushed your teeth that day?

They tell you to nap with the baby, but I would sneak in a quick shower during one of those naps. My baby was always near-by, and I would poke my head out for any little sound I heard.

2. Most new moms don't realize how much work a baby is until after they have one. What ideas/strategies can you share for relieving the stress of new motherhood?

Realize it's all about the baby, don't worry about the house or taking care of others. Let them take care of you. Also, let go and let them take care of baby too. Baths, changing diapers, whatever can help you out.

3) How can a mom get dad to pitch in and help more?

Realize that he won't do everything your way and let it go. Let him know how much he is needed in your little family.

4) What are some fun dates, outings or bonding rituals new moms can share with their babies?

Going outside on a nice day and look up at the leaves on a tree. Your baby will find it so fascinating- and you will find your baby so fascinating!

Take a mom and baby class, such as yoga, swimming or massage.

5) What tips/ideas can you share with new moms about carving out time for yourself?

If you have a hobby like scrapbooking, writing, sewing, whatever, have a little project set up so you can accomplish something in those moments you didn't expect a break. It will relax you.

For those planned moments alone, don't think of them as leaving your child, but instead as letting baby have time with a loved one. And if you don't need a break from your baby, don't feel bad about that either.

For Stay at Home Moms:

1) How do you cope when you're exhausted, overwhelmed, bored and/or stressed to the max from being at home alone with baby (and/or kids)?

I call a friend who has been there. Sometimes bathtime is great- giving a bath even when it's not "time." It is a nice change of pace, he's contained in an area and enjoying the novelty of it all. I can sit there and read a book while he plays.

2) What is the one thing you didn't expect and nobody told you about being home with baby (or kids)?

Everyone talks about the terrible twos. From my time working daycare I was convinced that it was the terrible threes. They are just wanting to be so independent, yet don't have the verbal or motor skills to follow through. They get frustrated, you get frustrated; it's like having a tiny teenager.

3) How can you stop other moms/relatives/friends/your husband from asking you to do everything from go to the grocery store to watching their kids just because you're at home?

Of course I run errands for my husband. But as for the rest, it's never happened unless it was for another mom staying at home. I have a playgroup of other stay-at-home moms and we put together a babysitting co-op so that we could have help with things like errands and doctor's appointments.

4) We know the debate between working and stay at home moms is often contentious. We also know that moms should be working together; not fighting each other. That's what this book is all about. Raising kids is hard, no matter what choices you make. What is the one thing you'd like to hear from working moms to help end the debate?

That staying at home is a job. I had planned on going back to work, but since I worked with children staying at home just changed my job from "paid" to "non-paid" status.

1. What tips/ideas can you share for making long car trips with babies and little kids easier (on you) and more fun (for them)?

Don't try to "make good time." Plan for stops and let little bodies stretch. Have some toys set aside for the trip that they haven't seen before (or seen in a long time.) Have some new music to play. think of what would make it fun for you if you were a child and do those things.

2) How can you make traveling by plane with a baby easy and stress-free?

Pack light, be prepared to make use of a skycap if needed. My sling was great for holding baby while I held everything else. If you' buying two seats, you can request an aisle and a window seat in the back and usually there will be an open seat you can use. If not, normally people are good about switching so you can sit together.


I have to say that my long trips to visit extended family (one trip was just me and baby) gave me a chance to really appreciate the simplicity of baby breastfeeding. That and a sling and a few diapers were all we needed- even flying cross country. Of course, when he got older, some toys were helpful too.


3) What essential, must-have items should moms bring with them to make travel with little kids easier?

A change of clothes and some kind of wipes for cleanup. Plastic bags to put messes in. Otherwise, I'm of the mindset the simpler, the better. Little kids might like quiet toys or a book on tape they can listen to through headphones (for traveling when other people might not want to hear Dr. Seuss one more time).


4) What was the biggest obstacle/challenge you've faced when traveling with kids, and how did you handle it?

The balancing act. I try to travel light. I also use backpack bags instead of regular diaper bags. My luggage can be dragged along on wheels behind me, but I always have my child right there in the sling with me.

1. How did you know your child was ready for potty training?

He started showing awareness of what was going on and talking to me about it. He also showed interest in the whole bathroom scene.

2. What struggles, if any, did you experience with potty training and what can advice can you share with other moms about those struggles -- in other words, what did you learn?

I'd potty trained many two-year olds when I was working daycare. Mainly I would start by having them go before they went to sleep and as soon as they woke up from naptime. You learn a child's rhythm.

I've since learned that some children potty train later than others. I know of kids that taught themselves at 18 months and others at 4 years. That's all within the acceptable range.

Don't stress about it. If a child must be trained for daycare, pay attention to his cues. Normally after eating, drinking or waking up a child has to go potty. Help them get used to the feeling of the need to go. Trying to force it won't help, because using the potty is one of the few things in life the child has total control of.

3. What tips/techniques help make the process of potty training easier?

With my own son, we had switched to cloth diapers when he was 18 months old. I could see a definite change in him because he could actually feel the wetness. And when he had a BM, he was involved in flushing it. I also let him have some naked time. He could see a connection between the feeling in his body and what was happening (instead of a suddenly dirty of wet diaper). I saw a real progression in his awareness. Starting with the realization that something was happening and ending with him controlling what was happening. By the time he was 2 1/2 he had "potty learned." There was no training involved and no stress.

4. How can you get a picky eater to eat?

Offer a variety of foods and realize that toddlers often don't eat much. Give them things to dip their food in. Some kids like certain textures and hate others, find out what your child likes and get foods that work for her. Don't make it an issue- food is one of the three things that a child has total control over.

5. How do you get your little one to eat veggies?

He used to eat broccoli raw or straight from the freezer. Now he's not so eager, so I do things like cook zucchini bread or shred vegetables into spaghetti sauce or some other food I know that he eats. I also add some to smoothies- carrots are great additions to smoothies. But my surefire way to get him to try a food is to have him involved in making it in some way.

6. What is the easiest way to get rid of the pacifier?

Don't have one. Ok, not always practical. But your child's need for sucking will eventually go away; wait for that and in the meantime, try to limit when he has a pacifier.

7. What is the easiest way to stop thumb-sucking?

8. How do you help little kids cope when they're afraid of monsters, clowns and other scary stuff?

I don't force him into a situation that he feels unsafe in. He knows he always has someone he can turn to. So far, nothing has gone beyond him saying "Scary" and looking to us for comfort. If it ever does, I suppose I would do my best to give him the tools to deal with that fear instead of acting as a crutch or trivializing his fear.

Somewhere out there

Today is the 14th Anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. That means it's my friend Barbie's 30th birthday.

I remember in high school, she wrote an essay about it and how it came down on her 16th birthday. It meant so much to her, living in Germany and seeing the wall just a few years before.

Barbie had a spirit. She still had it the last time I saw her about 5 years ago. Just changed some. But for some reason she let the contact drop shortly after that and I haven't been able to find her again.

Thinking of her reminds me of my other friends in HS. Tammy, Barbie got really close to her. She was a sweet girl- I envied her dark curly hair. I heard she died years ago from the heart problems that had always been with her. Tammy I never said it, but you were a friend and you ARE missed by more than you would have known.

Eileen- so imaginative and so downtrodden by her father. Stephen, what a goofy guy.

Further back. Susan, my lost friend, one of the trio. Such artistic talent! Last I heard from her she was living hours away from my home in NC (ok, quite a few hours as her dad was stationed in Andrews). But of all the places we could have been sent after the Philippines, that was pretty close. The other third of the trio- Calonte. We kept in touch even in college and somehow with her moves and my moves we lost touch. I emailed her dad and never got a reply. Searching for one of them later, I found out why no reply- he had died. The obituary was like a slap in the face, I can only imagine how Calonte felt.

There are so many. When you're a military brat friends are like flowers floating in a reflecting pool. Some drift away, some you can almost touch, but they always stay in your heart.

Newness

Growing up, I liked the moving about. I liked seeing new places and meeting new people. Even as shy as I was, I always made a few good friends. But now, moves are harder for me. It takes longer to find where I fit, and when I do and then move, it's that much harder to let go and start over. But my problem is, I have found that it's SO true. You can't go home again.

The contradictions of parenting

So many parents are stuck on the idea that they have to make their children independent. An entire industry has sprung up from the desire. Cribs, swings, bouncy seats...I could go on and on. All of these designed to seperate a child from its parent.

Books are written about how to get your child to be independent. So many parents let their tiny infants cry themselves to sleep because they "have to learn to do it sometime." I suppose that means that sooner is better than later.

Toddlers are told to be big boys and girls, pressured to use the potty before they might be ready. Faced with the disappointment of those they love, they struggle not to have an accident and are faced with the failure of their body, not their heart, when their immature bowels take over.

The first day of school, they are told to go- you can leave. Go into that room full of people you don't know in that huge building you've never been in. You can do it- no, you have to do it. There is no room for fear, only room to disappoint.

In middle school- you gotta do it on your own. Deal with that bully on your own. There will be bullies to deal with the rest of your life. Rely on your own strength- I can't give you mine.

So when a child gets to the high school age and is living what s/he has been taught, why do parents get thrown for a loop. I see teenagers fighting for independence, the same that their parents have been trying to instill in them from day one. Isn't this what a parent has dreamed of since they hardened their heart to the little soft baby crying forlornly for them in its crib?

Maybe what we're looking for in the end isn't independence, but interdependence. We want our children to want to be with us. But we're told by society that it's not to the good of the child. If all of this is good, then why are there so many teen problems?

Maybe we need to think harder about the results we want before we take that first step and let our little bundles of joy cry for us.

independence

This is a work in progress. It's something I've been thinking about, feeling all alone on an island full of people.

darn this thing won't copy/paste. I guess you will have to wait for my pearls of wisdom until I have the time to re-type the whole blessed thing!

outside my window

I've been to the ocean before. Played in the waves as a child; fought them as an adolescent. I've contemplated them as an adult. Even when I'm not there, in times of stress I can bring myself back to a place that never ends but always changes.

But perhaps I was always so focused on the waves that I never noticed her moods. Now from my window I can watch the daily- sometimes hourly chages of the sea. Many days she's a brilliant blue. A worthy jewel for any necklace. But there are times when she withdraws into herself, bringing out the grays. Perhaps my absolute favorite time is when she blends with the sky. I can't tell where one ends and the other begins. It creates in me such an odd sense of wonder. And the realization that there are just some things in life that cannot be answered.

I cry.

I cry for those who have lost their lives.

I cry for those whose lives have changed.

I cry.

My new favorite Website

Ok, in my never-ending quest for more knowledge I have found my new favorite website. Unlike many websites I've been perusing lately, this is not only parenting. It has a plethora of information and resources on all topics.

But most thrillingly (is that a word?) to me is that they have 126 pages of info on breastfeeding and only nine on bottlefeeding. I assure you, a rarity in a society that is innudated with bottles!

StargazerNET

site now seems to be defunct :(

muhahaa! I seem to have found the new link. Thank TPTB for Google.

http://workplace.stargazer.org/lwp/workplace/start

Why a blog?

Who am I to think that my thoughts are worthy to be published on the web? As though I have anything important to say. I don't know. Maybe I just need an outlet for all of my thoughts. As someone who doesn't get to personal, who has a hard time sharing her inner thoughts with other people, this is a great, semi-anonymous way of getting things out.

No apologies here. No weighing the reactions of others first. Because initially (at least until this journal pops up in some search...) this is just between me and the screen. I can delete it all by clicking a button, hide, edit, do whatever. But until then, it's just my personal thoughts. An outlet for someone who doesn't get many chances to just vent or muse without worrying how someone will react.

THAT Family

You know, the one you marry into. How many mother-in-law jokes there? There must be a reason for all that. After almost ten years of marriage and moving thousands of miles away mainly to get away from the in-laws, I still don't know what the answers are.

Is it just because you're used to your family's way of doing things? Is it because they're used to theirs? I don't know, but it can sure make for some tense situations. And even more so if either family is even slightly disfunctional.

My father-in-law drinks. He called one night shortly after we were married, drunk as all get out and proceeds to tell my husband what a lousy son he is. He's so loud I can hear him and I'm just sitting next to my husband in bed. Horrified, I say "Well, you should tell him that's he hasn't been much of a father either." FIL hears that and starts in on hubby "Slap your bitch and tell her to shut up." Of course hubby refuses to follow FIL's advice and hangs up. FIL calls back, I answer, refuse to put hubby on the phone and hang up. FIL calls back and tells me I do not hang up on him (what- who was paying the bills at that time? ME) CLICK. what followed was some serious ranting into our answering machine and a few garden variety threats thrown in.

Now. What in this man's life made him think he could verbally abuse ANYONE, much less his only child? My father drank too. Even at his worst he would never talk to any of us kids the way FIL talked to hubby that night.

So, is it just a difference of upbringing, or does marrying into a family really create these problems? I contemplate this on an island thousands of miles away from my in-laws. I chose to move here mostly to get away from them. And as homesick and as lonely as I am, the mere thought of being near them again holds me from moving back. I'm in no rush to go through the stress they put me through.

Once you become a parent, it seems like everyone wants to give you a performance report. Puts baby in socks and hat: A. Gets rid of all pets that might suck the breath out of baby: F. Trains baby to sleep through the night: C. I was ready for all that, you get your first taste of it as a pregnant mother when you first begin to show. Suddenly everyone is a nutrition and exercise expert. What I wasn’t ready for was how some people feel it is all right to tell you how you are as a wife and mother based on an outdated TV show. There’s the ever popular comment, “Well, aren’t you lucky to be able to stay at home. I sure wish I could.” As if we didn’t make choices and sacrifices so that one of us could stay home. But occasionally you will hear a comment like one I came across recently. The person was asking how come modern stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) were so lazy. Why couldn’t they be more like June Cleaver? When given the luxury of staying home while our husbands did the real work of putting food on the table and a roof over our heads, how come we couldn't keep a sparkling clean house while looking beautiful and serving the man of the house a martini while putting his slippers on? Why do we whine about the fact that he doesn't pick up his own socks or spend time with his kids? Why can't we be perfect housewives? After all, June Cleaver did it with style and a smile.

I was not raised to be June Cleaver. My parents made a conscious effort to raise me to be a self-sufficient woman. No matter what happened, I was not supposed to rely on a man. My husband knew that before he married me (he also knew I wasn't much of a housekeeper, but I digress.) In June Cleaver’s world, most women joined the workforce only as long as it took to find a husband to take care of them. They were raised knowing that to be a "wife" meant being a "housewife." My husband and I planned things differently. I had always expected to go back to work after having children. But that changed when we became parents. Everything changed- our whole paradigm shifted. We realized that nobody could give our son the love and attention that his own mother could. It has been a hard adjustment for me, one that June Cleaver didn't have to make.

I knew what it meant to be a parent- then I became one. Suddenly I found myself following my instincts instead of my cherished lists of "supposed to's." I held my child- often, we discovered the family bed, replaced strict discipline with gentle guidance and even nursed past the first year. I don't wear lovely housedresses or style my hair with hot-rollers on a daily basis. For now my idea of great art is anything I don’t have to wash off the walls and floor. I have a hard time creating "Good Housekeeping" meals because my toddler seems to always have a meltdown just as it's time to cook dinner. So we have a lot of one-dish meals because I feel that how my son turns out is more important than how dinner turns out.

That brings me to another point. I want my son to grow up ready to be a good husband and father. As we all know, children do as we do, not as we say. So I ask my husband to pick his socks up off of the living room floor (again!) and to spend his after work time winding down with his son instead of the evening newspaper (or in today's world- television.) I don't feel too guilty for making these requests. After all, it's OUR son who needs an involved father. It's also our home and it doesn't matter who pays for it, we all live in it and should all have a hand in keeping it clean.

Yes, my husband works hard; he also knows he's appreciated by us and his employer. Ask almost any SAHM if most people she "works for" appreciate the sacrifices they make. At least my husband gets something tangible- a paycheck- to show that he's "really working." I have to open my eyes to the intangible. He also gets to leave the house and get adult interaction on a regular basis. He gets weekends off, sometimes even Fridays. I'm on duty every minute of every hour of every day. If I slack off on the weekend, I have to do catch-up and work four times as hard on Monday. A few weeks ago I was sick for the first time in years. We're talking fever, sore throat, fatigue...to top it off, my son was throwing up from a stomach virus he caught at playgroup. Did I get a day off? Nope. I had to take care of my sick self and a queasy toddler (toddlers don't like throwing up IN anything in case you didn't know...they turn their heads to throw up ON things- at least mine does.) When my husband came down with what I had later that week, not only did he get a day off, he got two- and with no sick toddler to watch out for! And just in case you're wondering…June Cleaver never got sick.

Ah, and that brings me to my final point.

June Clever was a product of someone's imagination (probably a man!) I'm a REAL woman. My house gets a little messy and so do I. My child did not appear to me half grown with freckles and a cute little cowlick (ok, he has the cowlick.) I have given more of my true self to my family than I ever dreamed I would. Sometimes you can feel the stubble on my legs because my shower got interrupted by a little child who decided that NOW is the time to dial Australia. My husband and I don't have our own little matching twin beds- our whole family sleeps together in one glorious king-sized bed.

I learn as much as I can about the world that my son is growing up in instead of creating my own in the form of a sterile house and a superficial family. It’s creating an environment where my child can feel at home and he can learn through exploration. It’s about believing that it’s more important for my husband to come home to a happy family than to a pristine house. Staying at home for modern women means making choices about what you want for your family. Usually that doesn’t include a home like June Cleaver’s. You could hire someone to clean your house. The job that you do when you stay home can’t be done by anyone else.

I'm not June Cleaver. After all, who would want to be. Where's the spontaneity, the passion- the fun? Not in June Cleaver's house (although I'm sure there are some fresh, baked from scratch cookies there.) But that's all right, because in my house we have these in abundance...even a cookie or two!

Letter to a friend who asked for parenting advice

I'm going to go ahead an be honest. I truly believe in attachment parenting. It goes along with everything I learned in school and everything I felt was right once I became a parent. Basically it's meet your child's needs. They can't be spoiled in the first year really. They cry because they need something...even if it's just to be held (don't we all need that at sometime?) I started out breastfeeding because 1) it was cheaper and 2) My husband insisted because he read it made for smarter babies. Once Deedlebug was born, for some reason I *needed* to be able to nurse him (maybe it goes back to not bonding w/ my mom...who knows.) We had some problems (it doesn't come naturally believe it or not) It's been wonderful...all the fears I had of being like my mother and not bonding have gone away.

Since Deedlebug was born I've done A LOT of research...I know...I should have done it BEFORE. But I thought with my schooling (I was a child development/family relations minor) and experience (all those years in day care) I knew everything. Then he proceeded to let me know I didn't ;) He refused to sleep in the bassinet after his first night feeding, finally DH said "Just let him sleep with us!" I was worried and started researching online. I found that the same sense that keeps you from rolling off the bed will keep you from rolling on your baby. True...not only that but at first you keep waking up because your subconscious KNOWS he's there. You take the same precautions you would with a crib...keep baby away from big fluffy pillows and watch the covers. We have our convertable crib w/ the side taken off attached to our bed. It helps parents get more sleep and helps w/ the nursing relationship.

If I had it to do all over again, I would just buy a bigger bed (we eventually went to a king-sized bed), the carseat, diapers (heck, we've switched to cloth now...), a sling and clothes. So much cheaper than everything else, and you can wait till after baby is born to see what you really need. Swing, bouncy seat, high chair...all of that barely used.

I'm telling you all this flat out because I know you're an intelligent girl who will make her own decisions and won't feel pressured by what I feel is right. You make your own decisions based on what works for you and your new family :) I've spent months trying to be careful with my old friend b/c she has someone in her family she looks up to who is a pediatrician. The doc was going to give her all the free formula she needed...no talk about breast vs. bottle. Now that her child is born, she's understanding some of what I said. And they see Deedlebug and realize that he's turning out ok...I'm not some crazy, crunchy granola hippie :)

I'll send you links about all this stuff, if you're bored you can read up ;) I think breastfeeding is important because human milk is for human babies. There’s protein in human milk that makes a baby’s brain grow faster…because that’s what human babies need. There’s a protein in cow’s milk that makes a baby cow grow faster…because that’s what he needs. Almost all formula is made from the leftover stuff after processing dairy. There have been formula recalls. Breastfeeding exercises proper facial and jaw development. It adapts to the needs of an infant (if the baby is premature, it adapts to that…if it is summer, it is more watery.) Breastfeeding reduces the chances of breast and ovarian cancer in the mother. It’s a natural child spacer. And I truly believe that’s how God intended we care for our infants. There are SO many things that breastfeeding provides that formula doesn’t provide (even the “best” formula) and it’s free. Don’t worry about dad, he can and will bond with the baby in other ways…besides, at first he should be taking care of Mommy J
You can attend La Leche League meetings…even before you have the baby. It will help you prepare and answer any questions. Plus most groups have a good library on parenting. Free to members, if you’re not a member, they ask you to write a check for the value of the book…it will be returned when the book is returned. Also, even if you don’t go or aren’t a member, feel free to call your local LLL leader with questions or concerns.

I mentioned a sling would be something I would buy. If you haven’t seen one, it’s basically a strip of fabric you can use to carry your baby. The one I recommend is the Maya Wrap. It’s not “padded” but you can spread it out. I still use it with Deedlebug…it’s good for up to 35 or 40 lbs. You can cradle carry with a newborn, kangaroo carry with a baby w/ good head control, hip carry w/ a baby with good head control and back carry with a toddler. What other carrier can do that and fold to fit in your diaper bag? J I’ll send some links so you can check it out for yourself (if you want, I’ll try to make one and send it…I’m having a hard time finding rings though.) Most pack carriers aren’t good for babies before they can hold their heads up. Also, some researchers have suggested that it’s not good to have them sitting up w/ legs spread at spine compressed at an early age. Slings are also GREAT for discreet nursing…the tail of the Maya Wrap can be used like a blanket to cover baby.

With Deedlebug we have also decided not to spank. Both of us were abused as children and we don’t want to risk “losing it.” There are so many other forms of discipline, and if you know where your child is developmentally, you can work with them where they are at. One author made a good point when she said: Imagine that the person who you love with all your heart and who normally treats you in a loving manner suddenly hurts you. (I didn’t put it in quotes b/c I know I don’t have exactly) That’s how a young child sees it. I try not to yell even, because I see him start to act the same way. No matter what people say, I do think it teaches the lesson that it’s ok to hit…someone who is littler.

Ok, now that you know more than you wanted to know…

I just want to say I am SO happy for you. You guys will be WONDERFUL parents.…what a lucky baby. I’m in love with your little one already.

I have decided that it's time to stop apologizing for my beliefs. I do know that there are gentle ways to get people to understand what you're getting at. But I'll be damnd if I let someone guilt me into saying "What you do with your kid is ok."

We all agree ok is NOT ok. If it was, then how come we have the problems we do in our country? How come we have school shootings, people leaving their kids home alone so they can watch a movie, children taken to daycare even when they're sick? Our priorities are messed up. I notice it in conversations I have with other moms. I saw it when I worked daycare, I just never knew what could fix it- but I did know your kids want you more than they want *things.

My son may never grow up and say "Thanks for breastfeeding me mom." But I'm sure he will never be paying a shrink big bucks to talk about how his mother never had time for him. I started by breastfeeding, and after giving that I just knew I could give more...and he needed more.

I want to respect my child as a person NOW, because I don't want to be apologizing to him when he grows up. My father still apologizes for spanking us, not spending enough time with us and for not being our ADVOCATE while we were growing up. I will raise my child in such a way that I know I did everything possible to respect and support his humanity from day one.

Why should other people have the right to tell me how to raise my child, but I am not allowed to comment on their child-rearing practices?

I will never stop learning and I will never stop growing. What I WILL stop is apologizing.

Why shouldn't the naysayers apologize to ME for being lazy, accidental parents? It's their kids who have an increased chance of being disgruntled and taking it out on society. It's their kids who will feel like the world owes them because their parents gave them everything but their time.

So no, I won't apologize because I have deeply held beliefs. I believe nobody can take care of a child as well as it's parents (be they biological or adopted...parents mean the people who carry a child in the HEART.) I believe that human milk is for human babies, nothing could ever be as good. I believe that we should not mutilate our children's genitals. I believe we should not hit a child just because they are smaller. We find alternatives in our interactions with other adults, why not show children the same effort and respect? I believe that if a child is lonely at night, there should always be a warm welcome in a cozy family bed. I believe that every child deserves the human closeness they desire, if they need to be held, they should be. I believe a child's cries should be responded to, their needs are no less real or important than our own. I believe that by giving these simple things to our children now, they will give back to the world in wondrous ways.