a la peanut butter sandwiches

I wish I could just do that and take care of things. I am so tired of the day in day out taking care of other people- other people who seem bent on undoing everything I accomplish.

Never a clean house
Never a full nights sleep
Never a request listened to
Never alone

It's the last one that gets to me. I'm never alone yet usually lonely. I don't have whatever connections I need to feel complete. And yes, this is a bad day. It's worse because there have been so many good days lately. But I am so tired and feel so behind. I don't get at all why I can't do what the other moms can. What is lacking in me that doesn't desire to spend more time just entertaining these hairless monkeys?

Not to mention I start a thousand diets a day, only to 'reward' myself with a treat for being patient, or to swallow food when I am frustrated. I want to be beautiful inside and out, but I feel like neither.

I have dreams of homeschooling, living an environmentally friendly life, being able to invite people in without having to shove things in corners, bedtimes, alone times, just feeling for once I am caught up and it will stay that way for a day. Instead, I just feel stuck.

I had a dream last night...

Actually, it has been a recurring dream. I'm lying down, all I can see is what's in my line of site. I can only move my head, my body doesn't seem to do what I want it too. I can't get up, I can't walk. For some reason, even words don't work for me. All I can do is cry, my lungs bursting, throat hurting and tears streaming across my face as I turn my head frantically from side to side, looking for help.

I can hear someone there, but can't see them. I know it's someone I love. I need that person but nobody is coming to me. My cries are coming in gulps as I try to swallow the air. Nothingnobodynothingnobody. I am alone and helpless. Swallowed by fear, swallowing fear and expelling it in great bursts of sobs, I have no concept of time. Five minutes, ten minutes, a lifetime. All I know is I am alone and helpless and can't understand why. Where are the people that love me? That should be caring for me?

If I was a quadriplegic, whoever was responsible for me would be reprimanded for neglect. After all, I can't get up to go to the bathroom, to eat, to seek out the most basic of needs- human comfort.

But I'm not handicapped, or even an elderly person in a nursing home. I'm a baby. This wasn't my dream. It's a reality for millions of babies left to cry it out every night. Doctors, caregivers, parents, grandparents- they use the euphamism "cry it out" to describe training a baby to sleep "properly". But what is the "it" the wee ones are supposed to be crying out? Their hearts? Hope? Faith in their loved ones?

For what? So we can have some skewed version of 'correct sleep' with an infant, instead of recognizing their needs might be different that our wants. Might supercede our wants. We slap the label "independence" on it and go about in our proud way. Yes, we as a country need nobody, and it starts with our infants. Look at how they can sleep on their own. Never mind what we've done to their bodies and minds to get them there.

Too bad it's all a lie. Nobody is independent. We all need somebody. It's interdependence we should be striving for. Why aren't we teaching to ask for help with grace? To offer help with compassion? Instead, we are teaching our children from the youngest age that to cry for help will bring none, and that will sap away at their compassion when they get to a place that they are able to give help. I sure hope it's not when one of their parents is bedridden and crying for a little love from their grown child- grown too busy for them.

Letter to a friend who asked for parenting advice

I'm going to go ahead an be honest. I truly believe in attachment parenting. It goes along with everything I learned in school and everything I felt was right once I became a parent. Basically it's meet your child's needs. They can't be spoiled in the first year really. They cry because they need something...even if it's just to be held (don't we all need that at sometime?) I started out breastfeeding because 1) it was cheaper and 2) My husband insisted because he read it made for smarter babies. Once Deedlebug was born, for some reason I *needed* to be able to nurse him (maybe it goes back to not bonding w/ my mom...who knows.) We had some problems (it doesn't come naturally believe it or not) It's been wonderful...all the fears I had of being like my mother and not bonding have gone away.

Since Deedlebug was born I've done A LOT of research...I know...I should have done it BEFORE. But I thought with my schooling (I was a child development/family relations minor) and experience (all those years in day care) I knew everything. Then he proceeded to let me know I didn't ;) He refused to sleep in the bassinet after his first night feeding, finally DH said "Just let him sleep with us!" I was worried and started researching online. I found that the same sense that keeps you from rolling off the bed will keep you from rolling on your baby. True...not only that but at first you keep waking up because your subconscious KNOWS he's there. You take the same precautions you would with a crib...keep baby away from big fluffy pillows and watch the covers. We have our convertable crib w/ the side taken off attached to our bed. It helps parents get more sleep and helps w/ the nursing relationship.

If I had it to do all over again, I would just buy a bigger bed (we eventually went to a king-sized bed), the carseat, diapers (heck, we've switched to cloth now...), a sling and clothes. So much cheaper than everything else, and you can wait till after baby is born to see what you really need. Swing, bouncy seat, high chair...all of that barely used.

I'm telling you all this flat out because I know you're an intelligent girl who will make her own decisions and won't feel pressured by what I feel is right. You make your own decisions based on what works for you and your new family :) I've spent months trying to be careful with my old friend b/c she has someone in her family she looks up to who is a pediatrician. The doc was going to give her all the free formula she needed...no talk about breast vs. bottle. Now that her child is born, she's understanding some of what I said. And they see Deedlebug and realize that he's turning out ok...I'm not some crazy, crunchy granola hippie :)

I'll send you links about all this stuff, if you're bored you can read up ;) I think breastfeeding is important because human milk is for human babies. There’s protein in human milk that makes a baby’s brain grow faster…because that’s what human babies need. There’s a protein in cow’s milk that makes a baby cow grow faster…because that’s what he needs. Almost all formula is made from the leftover stuff after processing dairy. There have been formula recalls. Breastfeeding exercises proper facial and jaw development. It adapts to the needs of an infant (if the baby is premature, it adapts to that…if it is summer, it is more watery.) Breastfeeding reduces the chances of breast and ovarian cancer in the mother. It’s a natural child spacer. And I truly believe that’s how God intended we care for our infants. There are SO many things that breastfeeding provides that formula doesn’t provide (even the “best” formula) and it’s free. Don’t worry about dad, he can and will bond with the baby in other ways…besides, at first he should be taking care of Mommy J
You can attend La Leche League meetings…even before you have the baby. It will help you prepare and answer any questions. Plus most groups have a good library on parenting. Free to members, if you’re not a member, they ask you to write a check for the value of the book…it will be returned when the book is returned. Also, even if you don’t go or aren’t a member, feel free to call your local LLL leader with questions or concerns.

I mentioned a sling would be something I would buy. If you haven’t seen one, it’s basically a strip of fabric you can use to carry your baby. The one I recommend is the Maya Wrap. It’s not “padded” but you can spread it out. I still use it with Deedlebug…it’s good for up to 35 or 40 lbs. You can cradle carry with a newborn, kangaroo carry with a baby w/ good head control, hip carry w/ a baby with good head control and back carry with a toddler. What other carrier can do that and fold to fit in your diaper bag? J I’ll send some links so you can check it out for yourself (if you want, I’ll try to make one and send it…I’m having a hard time finding rings though.) Most pack carriers aren’t good for babies before they can hold their heads up. Also, some researchers have suggested that it’s not good to have them sitting up w/ legs spread at spine compressed at an early age. Slings are also GREAT for discreet nursing…the tail of the Maya Wrap can be used like a blanket to cover baby.

With Deedlebug we have also decided not to spank. Both of us were abused as children and we don’t want to risk “losing it.” There are so many other forms of discipline, and if you know where your child is developmentally, you can work with them where they are at. One author made a good point when she said: Imagine that the person who you love with all your heart and who normally treats you in a loving manner suddenly hurts you. (I didn’t put it in quotes b/c I know I don’t have exactly) That’s how a young child sees it. I try not to yell even, because I see him start to act the same way. No matter what people say, I do think it teaches the lesson that it’s ok to hit…someone who is littler.

Ok, now that you know more than you wanted to know…

I just want to say I am SO happy for you. You guys will be WONDERFUL parents.…what a lucky baby. I’m in love with your little one already.

I have decided that it's time to stop apologizing for my beliefs. I do know that there are gentle ways to get people to understand what you're getting at. But I'll be damnd if I let someone guilt me into saying "What you do with your kid is ok."

We all agree ok is NOT ok. If it was, then how come we have the problems we do in our country? How come we have school shootings, people leaving their kids home alone so they can watch a movie, children taken to daycare even when they're sick? Our priorities are messed up. I notice it in conversations I have with other moms. I saw it when I worked daycare, I just never knew what could fix it- but I did know your kids want you more than they want *things.

My son may never grow up and say "Thanks for breastfeeding me mom." But I'm sure he will never be paying a shrink big bucks to talk about how his mother never had time for him. I started by breastfeeding, and after giving that I just knew I could give more...and he needed more.

I want to respect my child as a person NOW, because I don't want to be apologizing to him when he grows up. My father still apologizes for spanking us, not spending enough time with us and for not being our ADVOCATE while we were growing up. I will raise my child in such a way that I know I did everything possible to respect and support his humanity from day one.

Why should other people have the right to tell me how to raise my child, but I am not allowed to comment on their child-rearing practices?

I will never stop learning and I will never stop growing. What I WILL stop is apologizing.

Why shouldn't the naysayers apologize to ME for being lazy, accidental parents? It's their kids who have an increased chance of being disgruntled and taking it out on society. It's their kids who will feel like the world owes them because their parents gave them everything but their time.

So no, I won't apologize because I have deeply held beliefs. I believe nobody can take care of a child as well as it's parents (be they biological or adopted...parents mean the people who carry a child in the HEART.) I believe that human milk is for human babies, nothing could ever be as good. I believe that we should not mutilate our children's genitals. I believe we should not hit a child just because they are smaller. We find alternatives in our interactions with other adults, why not show children the same effort and respect? I believe that if a child is lonely at night, there should always be a warm welcome in a cozy family bed. I believe that every child deserves the human closeness they desire, if they need to be held, they should be. I believe a child's cries should be responded to, their needs are no less real or important than our own. I believe that by giving these simple things to our children now, they will give back to the world in wondrous ways.