Parenting Choices...so hard to make...

Teen parents disagree on child-rearing

I know that P. doesn't always jump right into my zany ideas. We're going on a year of deciding to homeschool. He thought extended breastfeeding was odd, but understood the benefits. When it came to co-sleeping, P. was actually the one to suggest it and I had to research the safety of it before I agreed.

I know Christian parents married to their Jewish partners have a struggle...Chanukah? Christmas? Even within the Christian community, there can be fundamental differences that led to parenting strife.

But...
Crips vs. Ballers?

It's like a whole other world to me. I wonder at anyone that has this as the primary concern for the well-being of their toddler.

I'm just thunderstruck. Even providing for myself at age 18yo, I had at least had enough of a headstart to have a high school diploma, to be attending college. Yes, I feel like my college loans will stay with me just as long as any initiation scar or gang tat...but damn I was lucky. And here's a second generation...maybe third...beginning all over again.

I wonder if the two parents felt like some sort of Romeo and Juliet. Now reality has set in and they have to decide, "Yo- what colors do we decorate the nursery? Her gangs or mines?"

It jsut kind of makes me step back. I know I have problems but at least...I know I have problems. As as such, I can take the steps to keep moving forward. I can get help, education, loving community support.

Where people in these situations likely join a gang because they feel even less like they belong than I do. They need the protection for self preservation, for the lower levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I can see how fortunate I am to be in the upper half of that particular pyramid. If I don't keep my struggle to keep climbing up, that slope is steep, footing can be lost and the slide down can begin.


Quoting the article in case it goes into the net netherworlds:

Should Our 4-Year-Old Child Be a Crip or a Baller?


A 19-year-old father was arrested for disorderly conduct, harassment, and domestic violence after an altercation with his girlfriend over which gang their four-year-old toddler should join.

Joseph Manzanares, a member of the Westside Ballers, walked into the Hollywood Video store where his Crip girlfriend worked, threatening to kill her and vandalizing the store. The police were called and the father was later arrested at his home.

"They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" Commerce City Police Sgt Joe Sandoval said. Manzanares pleaded guilty and was sentenced to a year of probation.

For those with Mothers We Don't Celebrate

Nobody knows what a hard job it is to be a mom, until they are a mom. This is for those of us who have a hard time with celebrating the mother in our life.

I can't remember the last time I celebrated Mother's Day for my mother. Sadly, some women really shouldn't have kids. My mom had five, and at one point or another we all agreed she shouldn't have had any- or at least stopped at the first when she realized she was shit at playing mom.

So I celebrate my aunt, who made it possible for my to visit my beloved Gram more often before she died. I celebrate my sis and sister-in-law, sis is a step-mom and puts more effort into her step-son than his mom does, sister-in-law has the same parenting philosophy I do. I celebrate my good friend who was a sister figure, mother figure and friend all rolled into one. I celebrate my former boss, whose kindness and compassion led me to my faith that has enabled me to survive the aftermath of two crippling betrayals.

There are many women in your world who make you who you are, celebrate them. Sometimes the role of 'mother' is untraditional. One of my favorite 'traditions' started w/ the pregnancy of my daughter was the moms in my playgroup throwing a Blessingway instead of a baby shower. We celebrate the bond of women, who have walked the path before us, beside us and behind us. Recently, I changed the format a bit to create a "Healingway" for a good friend. We got together as women and celebrated her and poured our strength and love into her. There is something awesome (in a powerful way- not like totally rad ) about the power of women who hold each other up.

Celebrate that. Celebrate what is IN your life. Understand that some traditions go back further than Mother's Day. When you look around at the women in your life you can celebrate, know that while it's not what the card companies sell- it is what matters.

So Happy Mother's day, because I am sure that in some way, at some time- you have filled that role for someone in your life.

Four Times a Rule Breaker

No solid food and no milk products after midnight-
whoops, she nursed. Although breastmilk is technically not dairy so I'll let myself slide. It isn't on the list of acceptable clear liquids though.

Notify surgeon if symptoms of a cold appear-
we had a ped check up on Monday, she was free and clear. Tuesday afternoon a runny nose started. I didn't feel she was too sick, so I didn't call. I was right, her lungs were checked and cleared.

No siblings please-
with P. out of town and us leaving at 4:15 am, there was nobody to watch C. So to the hospital he came with us.

Please note women who are pregnant or breastfeeding may not enter the operating room-
uh, ok. I wasn't actively breastfeeding. That counts, right? What- my breasts were going to spread diseases just by having milk in them? Next on Dateline: More dangerous than a runny nose, more infectious than an open sore- it's the lactating breast!

It was a hard, scary experience. But J. sailed through it and C. was a trouper during all the waiting. What was it? Fixing of the teeth. You can see her modelling her new choppers above. While dentists are hesitant to confirm it, I am convinced bad teeth (esp. baby teeth) run in our family. I believe it's enamel hypoplasia (or something like that). I had the same problems with my top 4 teeth, so did C. and J. From what I understand so did two of my brothers and at least one neice. Most dentists blame it on 'bottle-mouth' but not all of us were bottlefed (C. and J. sure weren't). I'm just glad this one was able to fix everything for J. Two of her front uper teeth were chipping away from the inside, one of the center teeth was rotting away (you could see a black circle). C. had the same problem, the same cavities. His dentist said it was because of night nursing, I still don't get that. The nipple is pulled back to the soft palate (well behind the front teeth) and only releases milk when sucked. Since neither child is a tummy sleeper, there's no way they didn't swallow milk and it pooled in the front of the mouth.

C.'s dentist also papoosed him (tied him down to work on him) since he was 3yo and uncooperative. He then yanked two teeth and filled the other with metal amalgam, finishing off with two ugly side caps. With this dentist, we can't even tell these aren't J's teeth.

I love my little girl, and now I can love her smile!

By inches and ounces

Two revelations today. The first was that if I had stuck to Weight Watchers I'd be my ideal weight by now. Or at least at a plateau near my ideal weight.

At the steady-ish 2lbs a week I was losing, I could be within spitting distance of a body I can live with in 6mos and a body I can be proud of in a year. Isn't that much better than hating myself for squeezing into clothes, because the fear of buying up would be permission to gain even more weight. So back to counting points it will be. You be sure to remind me of this!

Today, C and I had an argument about the TV. At one point C smacked me. My first reaction was to hit him back. And third, fourth and sixth reaction. I managed to hold it in, but felt bad for the way I responded otherwise, including yelling.

I know that how I treat him directly reflects how he treats us. Never is it more clear that my childhood causes these urges, and I don't want to breed that into him. If you've read my AP page, you know I don't believe in spanking. But putting it into practice when you know hitting is hard. So I have slipped and spanked and hit C. I beat myself up everytime.

My realization today was that when I do resist that urge, instead of overlooking that and berating myself for the yelling, I should first be proud for resisting the urge. Look at the positive- what I have changed. Then look at what I should change. I'm hoping that change will happen faster when I give myself the positive reinforcement. I have to learn to treat myself nicely, not just the kids.

Mom-to-Mom Answers

What?
There's a book that was put out before, called the Mom-to-Mom Guide to the Baby Years. It involved a series of surveys that were compiled into a book. I'm ashamed to say, I made it into the book. Ashamed because my most doofus answers were in that book.

They've created another one and this time around it's going to be actually distributed in bookstores. If it's like the first, I wouldn't put my $15.95 down for it.

But this time, I did my best to have more complete answers. Before I had been under the impression that there would be some clarification process.




Here they are!
1) Is there any way for an expectant mom to prepare for nursing in order to relieve any potential soreness she might feel? Did you do this and did it work for you?

You can check and see if you have flat or inverted nipples. If that's the case, you can wear shells prior to birth to draw them out. Otherwise, most cases of nipple soreness aren't because the nipples aren't "tough" enough, but can be attributed to bad latch or postioning.

I'd highly reccomend reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding published by La Leche League (or any other good breastfeeding book reccomended by a lactation consultant such as Dr. Sear's The Breastfeeding Book). Breastfeeding is one of those things you learn by example, so the best way to prepare is to talk to people who have been there. Just like with pregnancy chats, try to make sure those you talk to are mainly positive!


2) What is the best way to cope with sore nipples from nursing?

I found that a good lanolin like Lanisoh worked wonders for my occasional soreness. the other thing that corrected most soreness is to make sure I was holding baby in the correct position (tummy to tummy) and the latch was good (not just sucking on the tip of the nipple.)


3) What essential tips can you share with new moms who are having trouble nursing?

Find support. Many people are leery of La Leche League, but I found that their extreme reputation is unwarranted. The women in my group were just like me. If you're cautious about going to a meeting right off, you can call a local leader (find one at www.lalecheleague.org or 1-800-LALECHE)

Make sure you let your family know that you need their support. You don't want to hear about giving up. Give away those formula samples.

If you make it through the first 8 weeks, it's generally smooth sailing after that!


4) What products were "must haves" to make nursing easier/more comfortable?

To begin with all I needed was a good chair and a nursing pillow. I loved the My Brest Friend pillow because it had a strap to velcro around my waist and a pocket for the phone or whatever. That wasn't too great at night though (before I learned to nurse lying down!) because the velcro was so loud coming off. In that case, a Boppy was good. A nursing pillow is like training wheels. It helps you get used to holding baby up in a good latch position.


5) What is your favorite bottle (brand and type) and what makes it your favorite?

I liked the Advent bottles. But it really doesn't matter what mom likes, baby will make up it's own mind. So I'd say try not to buy to many bottlles until you know what works. Also keep in mind that bottles can contribute to nipple confusion (nipple preference it's also called). You don't have to use bottles. There are soft spout sippy cups (take out the no-spill device), bendable cups and even syringes (no needles of course!) that drip milk into baby's mouth instead of teaching them a lazy suck like bottles do. These can be used with infants of all ages.

1) What is your favorite place to get baby pictures taken and why?

I liked Picture People because generally I could find someone who was really good with my child. There are cute props there, but they also know how to highlight your child, instead of some character background or something.

I don't like that almost no national portrait place will take even discreet nursing pictures. It's a beautiful time in our lives and it would be nice if mothers can document it in a beautiful way.

2) What is your favorite way to preserve memories from the baby years (i.e., baby book, time capsule, bronzing shoes, etc.) Why do you prefer this method?

I've gotten into Creative Memories. What I learned from my consultant is to scrapbook simply to make sure it's done and to journal! We want to know the stories behind the pictures.

One tip-besides your regular camera, keep a disposable one in the baby bag. For those "I wish I had a camera" moments.

3) If you know how to make scrapbooks, what is an easy way for a novice to get started and what products/tips or strategies can you recommend for a beginner? Why do you recommend them?

I'd say talk to a Creative Memories consultant. These people are scrapbookers themselves and can help tailor what you need and can afford to get started with. They can give you tips on how to start and get caught up. Many of them offer workshops or scrapbooking times when you can go to their place and scrapbook in peace with extra supplies at your fingertips.

4) What products (camcorders, digital cameras, software tools) can you recommend for moms who want an easy way to capture everyday memories of their kids? Please be specific with brands, etc. and tell me why you prefer this one.

We love our Casio digital camera. It's small so we can take it anywhere. It takes a universal card that also fits into my PDA so I can look at pictures there. It also take mini-movies (ours our soundless but I understand some you can record sounds too). And it cost around $200. We can take all the pictures we want!

1. What is the best way to soothe a colicky baby?
I can't say.

2. What tips can you share for relieving constipation in babies?

I can't say. Exclusively breastfed babies rarely get constipated.

3. What tips can you share for coaxing a burp out of a gassy baby?

Hold the baby sitting up on your lap, tummy against your forearm. With the other hand rotate your figertips up baby's spine in a firm, circular massaging motion. Repeat as needed.

4. How do you make bath time with a newborn easier and more fun?

Have everything ready. Make it quick, washing head to toe. You can also get in the bath with baby resting on your legs. Skin to skin contact is great for newborns.

1. What are your favorite, most creative ways to save money on baby products, gear, clothing, food and household essentials?

Baby gear- All I really used was the carseat and a sling. Babies are so simple, all they really want is your arms.
Clothing- I hit the sales, bought ahead for the next season. Checked out consignment shops.
Food- I use less prepackaged foods.
There's a great book called Tiptionary that helps you know how to save on household stuff and more.


2. Have you started a college fund yet? If so, what type(s) of fund, plan or investment vehicle did you choose? Why?

We've just started a savings account until we have more ready cash for other investments. Some friends and family have gotten savings bonds.

3. What web sites can you recommend to new moms to help them save money on baby and household purchases and why?

Ebay. You can decide how much you're willing to pay. You can find just about anything.

4. How do you save money on child care or babysitting?

I stay at home. Our playgroup created a babysitting co-op. We all started out with a certain amount of hour and half hour poker chips and paid each other with those. That way our children were with someone they knew- and had the bonus of having a child they knew to play with.

1. What are your favorite sources (stores, catalogs, web sites) for baby furniture, bedding, window treatments and decorative accessories? Please be specific, and tell me why you like them.

I made most of the decorations, curtains are simple. As for the rest, we ended up co-sleeping so it's a moot question. Ask me about the rewards of being close together at night and I can talk your ear off!

2. What furniture, bedding and accessory pieces are "must haves" for a new baby's room? Why?

Start simple, you need to see how it actually is with baby instead of how your expect it to be. Maybe a comfortable chair for nursing anda convertable crib (if you must have one). A dresser that can double as a changing table and maybe a small bookcase for toys and books.


3. What ideas can you share for saving money on baby furniture, bedding, and other nursery essentials? If you have specific stores, catalogs and web sites you used, please share them and tell me what you loved about them.

Use furniture that has a double purpose, such as a low dresser for a changing table. Furniture that grows with the child, such as a convertable crib is also great.


4. Do you recommend a new mom buy a rocking chair for the baby's room? If so, what kind (brand and type) do you recommend and why?

I loved mine, but keep in mind it takes up more room to rock. Also an active baby can get fingers smooshed. It's one of those things that feels right or doesn't, there is no one answer.

5. What is your favorite brand of crib and why?

I couldn't say brand, but type: convertible. It grows with your child, and if you decide to co-sleep (or baby decides to co-sleep)! you can take one side off and fasten it to the side of your bed for a spot to keep baby nearby and safe.

1. What are the best, easiest or most creative ways you've heard of to announce a baby's birth? What makes them so wonderful?

Having family far away, I love the websites like www.growthspurts.com or www.babiesonline.com
I also liked one idea a family I knew did. They used fabric paint to write the stats on a onsie then took a picture of the baby in it and sent it out. It seemed so much more personal.


2. Can you recommend a favorite catalog, web site or store for baby announcements? Please specify and tell me what makes it your favorite.

I designed my own in the fashion of a movie premier. Print Shop is pretty great, but there are so many desktop publishing options available now that even parents who would normally have to use generic announcements can now personalize for not much more.


3. What advice/tips can you offer new moms for getting thank-you notes for baby gifts done easily and quickly?

Do what you can ahead of time. Address and stamp envelopes, write part of a note (We're so glad to have you to share our joy with...).

4. What secrets can you share for making the planning of a baptism, bris, baby naming or christening as stress-free (for the mom) as possible?

Get what you can in place beforehand. Delegate what can't be done before baby is born to others. After all, you're a new mom and when baby is born, it's time to relax and enjoy that babymoon!

1) New moms have to deal with unsolicited advice, unwelcome visits and pressures about their choices, from breastfeeding (or not) to sleeping, burping and everything in between.
What was the biggest problem that came up for you as a new mom in dealing with relatives? And what advice can you offer new moms who are going through similar challenges right now?

Generally we avoided problems by not discussing our parenting choices (which are somewhat alternative). For example, if they asked how he was sleeping at night, we'd just say fine. He was sleeping fine- for a baby, not for what others expected.

For new moms I'd say adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Keep it social unless you're discussing with someone you know will understand. If someone decides to be intrusive and you can't avoid it, then ask them "Why do you want to know?"

You can joke it off, you can blow it off, you can handle it however the situation merits. But remember that it doesn't matter what others think you are doing right or wrong, only what is working for your child.

2) How can a new mom set limits with well-meaning relatives who drive her crazy? What words can she use?

There's not one thing that works for all situations. In general I'd say "I have made informed choices that I am happy with and so is my child. They're not up for discussion." I often have information to back myself up if needed. Or interesting facts to distract them.


3) What advice can you offer new moms about having relatives visit the hospital, either during or after delivery? Did you have visitors? Did you like it or would you have preferred they stay home? How can a new mom communicate her wishes to relatives beforehand?

Set the limits. You're the parent and don't feel like you have to bend for others in this tender period of your life with a new infant.

We had no visitors in the hospital. We had offers to come and stay to help for a few weeks, but I refused. We wanted to enjoy our babymoon as a family. My husband did really well taking care of me for the first week he had off.

I simply said, "We're looking forward to spending time together alone as a family for the first few weeks. You're welcome to come for a day, but remember, we are getting used to being a mom and dad with a baby and need to work it out on our own."

1) Think about the qualities you looked for when buying your first stroller. For example, perhaps you wanted it to be able to accommodate an infant carrier or be lightweight, have a big basket or a cup-holder for you. Which qualities would you recommend a new mom look for when shopping for a first stroller?

We barely used our large stroller. Once I got the hang of the sling, both of us were much happier. Slings have the added advantage that people out in public will be less likely to get in baby's face and touch. Unpadded slings can be put with baby in a carseat so they can be lifted out and carried without being woken up.

We got the most use from our umbrella stroller. I made sure to look for one that reclines a bit. There are some neat strollers out now that seem to be hybrids. Lightweight and compact like umbrella strollers, but still have reclining and baskets to hold your stuff.


2) What brand of stroller do you recommend? (Note: If you're recommending a snap 'n go, please note that there are two brands: The Snap 'N Go by Swan Infant Products and the Universal Carrier by Kolcraft). You may like more than one brand (after all, many moms do end up with more than one stroller), but please choose the brand you'd recommend for a first stroller only, and tell us WHY you'd recommend it.


3. What features/qualities should a new mom look for in a first car seat (for a newborn)?

Safety. Do some research, ask other people how their carseat is working. Most stores will let you try the carseat out in your car. Make sure if you get a convertible it reclines enough for a tiny newborn. Remember that there are often height as well as weight restrictions. My son was out of his bucket carseat height-wise byfive months, even if he could still be in it according to the weight standards.


4. What brand of car seat do you recommend to new moms for a first car seat? Why do you recommend it?

Britax. It has excellent safety records and is very comfortable for the child. They are more costly than some carseats, but you can choose one which will last for more than a year.

1. What products are on your list of "must haves" for new moms? Why do you recommend them?

A sling. If you find a good sling, you can use it for years. I know some moms that still use theirs occasionaly with their 4 year olds. You can go from cradle hold to back carry positions and everything in between. I can't tell you how often I have been stopped and asked where to get one, or older ladies saying they wish they had one when their kids were young.

An unpadded one is great, such as the Maya Wrap or Taylor Made Treasure (www.mayawrap.com or www.taylormadetreasure.com )

Cloth diapers are fun now. Believe it or not, the moms that I know that cloth diaper love it. No pins needed and the prints are absolutely adorable! There are limitless choices out there. And you can be assured that for an extra load or two of laundry a week, you are not only keeping those chemicals from your infants bottom, but you are reducing what goes into landfills.

Besides those things and clothes, all my baby needed was a breast to nurse from and arms to be held in, and I already have that.

2. What products would you recommend a new mom avoid (i.e., they weren't worth the money)? Why?

One of those SUV type strollers. They are just a hassle. Anything that substitues for the arms and love of a parent for too long, because it's all right to hold your baby; that's what they need.


3. What is your favorite brand of baby clothes and why?

We just hit what was on sale. No brand loyalty here. Target has great baby clothes, made under the Carter name.

4. Where is your favorite place to get baby products and gear? Why do you recommend it?

Target and Ikea. Between those two places there is such a variety and the prices are reasonable.


5. Where would you recommend a new mom register for baby products, bedding, clothes and/or gear?

My first choice would be to ask for gift certificates so you can see what you actually need once the baby is here. For stuff you know you will need, like clothes register at a store that has a selection you like.

6. What is your favorite brand and model of high chair? Why?

It's hard to find now, but there was a highchair that converted to a small chair and a table. It's great because it will take forever for a child to grow out of.


7. What is your favorite brand and type of bottle? Why do you recommend it?



8. What is the one baby product you wish someone would invent?

I think there should be fewer baby gadgets. All of these products aren't for the babies, but parents instead. To make their lives easier or to follow what society says a baby needs. Babies don't read the parenting books. Babies are simple creatures who just need love, food and security. As parents, we come equipped with those.

1. What tips or tricks can you share with new moms about getting a shower? Remember, we're talking about new moms, here. Remember when you felt so overwhelmed, you couldn't remember if you brushed your teeth that day?

They tell you to nap with the baby, but I would sneak in a quick shower during one of those naps. My baby was always near-by, and I would poke my head out for any little sound I heard.

2. Most new moms don't realize how much work a baby is until after they have one. What ideas/strategies can you share for relieving the stress of new motherhood?

Realize it's all about the baby, don't worry about the house or taking care of others. Let them take care of you. Also, let go and let them take care of baby too. Baths, changing diapers, whatever can help you out.

3) How can a mom get dad to pitch in and help more?

Realize that he won't do everything your way and let it go. Let him know how much he is needed in your little family.

4) What are some fun dates, outings or bonding rituals new moms can share with their babies?

Going outside on a nice day and look up at the leaves on a tree. Your baby will find it so fascinating- and you will find your baby so fascinating!

Take a mom and baby class, such as yoga, swimming or massage.

5) What tips/ideas can you share with new moms about carving out time for yourself?

If you have a hobby like scrapbooking, writing, sewing, whatever, have a little project set up so you can accomplish something in those moments you didn't expect a break. It will relax you.

For those planned moments alone, don't think of them as leaving your child, but instead as letting baby have time with a loved one. And if you don't need a break from your baby, don't feel bad about that either.

For Stay at Home Moms:

1) How do you cope when you're exhausted, overwhelmed, bored and/or stressed to the max from being at home alone with baby (and/or kids)?

I call a friend who has been there. Sometimes bathtime is great- giving a bath even when it's not "time." It is a nice change of pace, he's contained in an area and enjoying the novelty of it all. I can sit there and read a book while he plays.

2) What is the one thing you didn't expect and nobody told you about being home with baby (or kids)?

Everyone talks about the terrible twos. From my time working daycare I was convinced that it was the terrible threes. They are just wanting to be so independent, yet don't have the verbal or motor skills to follow through. They get frustrated, you get frustrated; it's like having a tiny teenager.

3) How can you stop other moms/relatives/friends/your husband from asking you to do everything from go to the grocery store to watching their kids just because you're at home?

Of course I run errands for my husband. But as for the rest, it's never happened unless it was for another mom staying at home. I have a playgroup of other stay-at-home moms and we put together a babysitting co-op so that we could have help with things like errands and doctor's appointments.

4) We know the debate between working and stay at home moms is often contentious. We also know that moms should be working together; not fighting each other. That's what this book is all about. Raising kids is hard, no matter what choices you make. What is the one thing you'd like to hear from working moms to help end the debate?

That staying at home is a job. I had planned on going back to work, but since I worked with children staying at home just changed my job from "paid" to "non-paid" status.

1. What tips/ideas can you share for making long car trips with babies and little kids easier (on you) and more fun (for them)?

Don't try to "make good time." Plan for stops and let little bodies stretch. Have some toys set aside for the trip that they haven't seen before (or seen in a long time.) Have some new music to play. think of what would make it fun for you if you were a child and do those things.

2) How can you make traveling by plane with a baby easy and stress-free?

Pack light, be prepared to make use of a skycap if needed. My sling was great for holding baby while I held everything else. If you' buying two seats, you can request an aisle and a window seat in the back and usually there will be an open seat you can use. If not, normally people are good about switching so you can sit together.


I have to say that my long trips to visit extended family (one trip was just me and baby) gave me a chance to really appreciate the simplicity of baby breastfeeding. That and a sling and a few diapers were all we needed- even flying cross country. Of course, when he got older, some toys were helpful too.


3) What essential, must-have items should moms bring with them to make travel with little kids easier?

A change of clothes and some kind of wipes for cleanup. Plastic bags to put messes in. Otherwise, I'm of the mindset the simpler, the better. Little kids might like quiet toys or a book on tape they can listen to through headphones (for traveling when other people might not want to hear Dr. Seuss one more time).


4) What was the biggest obstacle/challenge you've faced when traveling with kids, and how did you handle it?

The balancing act. I try to travel light. I also use backpack bags instead of regular diaper bags. My luggage can be dragged along on wheels behind me, but I always have my child right there in the sling with me.

1. How did you know your child was ready for potty training?

He started showing awareness of what was going on and talking to me about it. He also showed interest in the whole bathroom scene.

2. What struggles, if any, did you experience with potty training and what can advice can you share with other moms about those struggles -- in other words, what did you learn?

I'd potty trained many two-year olds when I was working daycare. Mainly I would start by having them go before they went to sleep and as soon as they woke up from naptime. You learn a child's rhythm.

I've since learned that some children potty train later than others. I know of kids that taught themselves at 18 months and others at 4 years. That's all within the acceptable range.

Don't stress about it. If a child must be trained for daycare, pay attention to his cues. Normally after eating, drinking or waking up a child has to go potty. Help them get used to the feeling of the need to go. Trying to force it won't help, because using the potty is one of the few things in life the child has total control of.

3. What tips/techniques help make the process of potty training easier?

With my own son, we had switched to cloth diapers when he was 18 months old. I could see a definite change in him because he could actually feel the wetness. And when he had a BM, he was involved in flushing it. I also let him have some naked time. He could see a connection between the feeling in his body and what was happening (instead of a suddenly dirty of wet diaper). I saw a real progression in his awareness. Starting with the realization that something was happening and ending with him controlling what was happening. By the time he was 2 1/2 he had "potty learned." There was no training involved and no stress.

4. How can you get a picky eater to eat?

Offer a variety of foods and realize that toddlers often don't eat much. Give them things to dip their food in. Some kids like certain textures and hate others, find out what your child likes and get foods that work for her. Don't make it an issue- food is one of the three things that a child has total control over.

5. How do you get your little one to eat veggies?

He used to eat broccoli raw or straight from the freezer. Now he's not so eager, so I do things like cook zucchini bread or shred vegetables into spaghetti sauce or some other food I know that he eats. I also add some to smoothies- carrots are great additions to smoothies. But my surefire way to get him to try a food is to have him involved in making it in some way.

6. What is the easiest way to get rid of the pacifier?

Don't have one. Ok, not always practical. But your child's need for sucking will eventually go away; wait for that and in the meantime, try to limit when he has a pacifier.

7. What is the easiest way to stop thumb-sucking?

8. How do you help little kids cope when they're afraid of monsters, clowns and other scary stuff?

I don't force him into a situation that he feels unsafe in. He knows he always has someone he can turn to. So far, nothing has gone beyond him saying "Scary" and looking to us for comfort. If it ever does, I suppose I would do my best to give him the tools to deal with that fear instead of acting as a crutch or trivializing his fear.

The contradictions of parenting

So many parents are stuck on the idea that they have to make their children independent. An entire industry has sprung up from the desire. Cribs, swings, bouncy seats...I could go on and on. All of these designed to seperate a child from its parent.

Books are written about how to get your child to be independent. So many parents let their tiny infants cry themselves to sleep because they "have to learn to do it sometime." I suppose that means that sooner is better than later.

Toddlers are told to be big boys and girls, pressured to use the potty before they might be ready. Faced with the disappointment of those they love, they struggle not to have an accident and are faced with the failure of their body, not their heart, when their immature bowels take over.

The first day of school, they are told to go- you can leave. Go into that room full of people you don't know in that huge building you've never been in. You can do it- no, you have to do it. There is no room for fear, only room to disappoint.

In middle school- you gotta do it on your own. Deal with that bully on your own. There will be bullies to deal with the rest of your life. Rely on your own strength- I can't give you mine.

So when a child gets to the high school age and is living what s/he has been taught, why do parents get thrown for a loop. I see teenagers fighting for independence, the same that their parents have been trying to instill in them from day one. Isn't this what a parent has dreamed of since they hardened their heart to the little soft baby crying forlornly for them in its crib?

Maybe what we're looking for in the end isn't independence, but interdependence. We want our children to want to be with us. But we're told by society that it's not to the good of the child. If all of this is good, then why are there so many teen problems?

Maybe we need to think harder about the results we want before we take that first step and let our little bundles of joy cry for us.

Once you become a parent, it seems like everyone wants to give you a performance report. Puts baby in socks and hat: A. Gets rid of all pets that might suck the breath out of baby: F. Trains baby to sleep through the night: C. I was ready for all that, you get your first taste of it as a pregnant mother when you first begin to show. Suddenly everyone is a nutrition and exercise expert. What I wasn’t ready for was how some people feel it is all right to tell you how you are as a wife and mother based on an outdated TV show. There’s the ever popular comment, “Well, aren’t you lucky to be able to stay at home. I sure wish I could.” As if we didn’t make choices and sacrifices so that one of us could stay home. But occasionally you will hear a comment like one I came across recently. The person was asking how come modern stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) were so lazy. Why couldn’t they be more like June Cleaver? When given the luxury of staying home while our husbands did the real work of putting food on the table and a roof over our heads, how come we couldn't keep a sparkling clean house while looking beautiful and serving the man of the house a martini while putting his slippers on? Why do we whine about the fact that he doesn't pick up his own socks or spend time with his kids? Why can't we be perfect housewives? After all, June Cleaver did it with style and a smile.

I was not raised to be June Cleaver. My parents made a conscious effort to raise me to be a self-sufficient woman. No matter what happened, I was not supposed to rely on a man. My husband knew that before he married me (he also knew I wasn't much of a housekeeper, but I digress.) In June Cleaver’s world, most women joined the workforce only as long as it took to find a husband to take care of them. They were raised knowing that to be a "wife" meant being a "housewife." My husband and I planned things differently. I had always expected to go back to work after having children. But that changed when we became parents. Everything changed- our whole paradigm shifted. We realized that nobody could give our son the love and attention that his own mother could. It has been a hard adjustment for me, one that June Cleaver didn't have to make.

I knew what it meant to be a parent- then I became one. Suddenly I found myself following my instincts instead of my cherished lists of "supposed to's." I held my child- often, we discovered the family bed, replaced strict discipline with gentle guidance and even nursed past the first year. I don't wear lovely housedresses or style my hair with hot-rollers on a daily basis. For now my idea of great art is anything I don’t have to wash off the walls and floor. I have a hard time creating "Good Housekeeping" meals because my toddler seems to always have a meltdown just as it's time to cook dinner. So we have a lot of one-dish meals because I feel that how my son turns out is more important than how dinner turns out.

That brings me to another point. I want my son to grow up ready to be a good husband and father. As we all know, children do as we do, not as we say. So I ask my husband to pick his socks up off of the living room floor (again!) and to spend his after work time winding down with his son instead of the evening newspaper (or in today's world- television.) I don't feel too guilty for making these requests. After all, it's OUR son who needs an involved father. It's also our home and it doesn't matter who pays for it, we all live in it and should all have a hand in keeping it clean.

Yes, my husband works hard; he also knows he's appreciated by us and his employer. Ask almost any SAHM if most people she "works for" appreciate the sacrifices they make. At least my husband gets something tangible- a paycheck- to show that he's "really working." I have to open my eyes to the intangible. He also gets to leave the house and get adult interaction on a regular basis. He gets weekends off, sometimes even Fridays. I'm on duty every minute of every hour of every day. If I slack off on the weekend, I have to do catch-up and work four times as hard on Monday. A few weeks ago I was sick for the first time in years. We're talking fever, sore throat, fatigue...to top it off, my son was throwing up from a stomach virus he caught at playgroup. Did I get a day off? Nope. I had to take care of my sick self and a queasy toddler (toddlers don't like throwing up IN anything in case you didn't know...they turn their heads to throw up ON things- at least mine does.) When my husband came down with what I had later that week, not only did he get a day off, he got two- and with no sick toddler to watch out for! And just in case you're wondering…June Cleaver never got sick.

Ah, and that brings me to my final point.

June Clever was a product of someone's imagination (probably a man!) I'm a REAL woman. My house gets a little messy and so do I. My child did not appear to me half grown with freckles and a cute little cowlick (ok, he has the cowlick.) I have given more of my true self to my family than I ever dreamed I would. Sometimes you can feel the stubble on my legs because my shower got interrupted by a little child who decided that NOW is the time to dial Australia. My husband and I don't have our own little matching twin beds- our whole family sleeps together in one glorious king-sized bed.

I learn as much as I can about the world that my son is growing up in instead of creating my own in the form of a sterile house and a superficial family. It’s creating an environment where my child can feel at home and he can learn through exploration. It’s about believing that it’s more important for my husband to come home to a happy family than to a pristine house. Staying at home for modern women means making choices about what you want for your family. Usually that doesn’t include a home like June Cleaver’s. You could hire someone to clean your house. The job that you do when you stay home can’t be done by anyone else.

I'm not June Cleaver. After all, who would want to be. Where's the spontaneity, the passion- the fun? Not in June Cleaver's house (although I'm sure there are some fresh, baked from scratch cookies there.) But that's all right, because in my house we have these in abundance...even a cookie or two!